Hi, I'm just a typical Brony and a fan of Twilight and Rainbow Dash, as well as background ponies Blossomforth, Thunderlane, Comet Tail and Cloud Kicker. I'm also an amateur story writer.
Twillight prefers to work alone, though is... Sometimes willing to make an exception.
Working too hard is never good for anypony and it can cause even the smartest purple Alicorn princesses to make a few mistakes. Of course, she can always rely on her loyal friend Rainbow Dash to let her know that she's messed up. Much to her displeasure.
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nice story make some more just for me please???
Well that was confusing... Was she talking about the problem Twilight was on or something else?
5195845 Could you please be more specific? During which part of the story?
5194919 Of course.
Anything that you'd particularly like to see?
But what did Twilight get wrong? I must know!
First off, thank you for contributing to best ship.
Unlike many stories, I think your cover description is pretty good. It actually gives me a rough idea of what the story is and made me want to read more. You didn't put a bunch of distracting and useless stuff like a lot of people do. Just the story. Great job on that, I mean it.
As far as the plot goes, it works fine for a quick little slice of life bit. Twilight is overworked, self-inflicted for sure, and Rainbow comes to the rescue. There are some hints at some attraction that are reasonably subtle, which was surprising in an enjoyable way.
The problem is, that you have to pause and reread what is going on several times in order to make any of that out. I wasn't really looking for grammar errors, and none were so bad that they leapt out at me if there are any. But the passing is so ridiculously fast that we have no real chance to let any part of the scene sink in.
Take the brief but with Spike. You have him tagged as an important part of the story but he has no lines and does nothing important for the story at all. You could cut all mention of him from the story and it would change nothing. You could go two ways to improve this. The easy way would be to take his tag off the story. You would probably still want to edit the story a bit to improve it, but this route keeps your existing story as-is. The other route would be to give Spike a significant role. Perhaps write a bit of dialog between them. Have him either try to get Twi to take a break as he plays the role of occasional wisdom when she gets slightly nutty, or have him go oblivious assistant mode, and feed her obsession with her project. You have at least three different choices there that, if worked into your existing story, could lead to a lot of improvement.
Then you have the project itself. Expand on it. Let us spend some time with slightly crazy, tired, and focused Twilight. She's a fun character to read about, so write about her. The project doesn't sound super interesting, but it does sound like something Twilight would study. Give us one of her pages of notes;perhaps have her reading some details about the Cakes being earth ponies and having a unicorn and a pegasus children. Surely she would interview them about their parents and grandparents as far back as she could, as well as sibling, aunts and uncles, and even cousins, nephews and nieces.
When Rainbow shows up, things get even more confusing, compounded by the too-fast pacing. Rather than be the sort of conflict that would be expected, Twilight immediately sets her work aside and suggests a break herself. I guess technically Rainbow showing up prompted Twilight, but this isn't what we were led to believe was going to happen.
Having Rainbow be interested in helping Twilight is an interesting touch, but it is a little out of character. It would work a lot better if you didn't the time selling it. As a suggestion on how to do this, I would expect Twilight to at least at first be resistant to doing her research. Rainbow would try a few things to get her to stop, the first few ideas fail, so she tries something unexpected. Having her offer to help would not only be more believable in that context, it would make for a lengthier scene, and slow the pace down as is desperately needed.
Now, I'm not all that sure what you were trying to convey exactly by having Twilight make a mistake and have Rainbow point it out. This is mostly because you were so vague with it and rushed through everything that it was hard to really follow. Bit continuing on with my suggestions so far, having Rainbow point out some little mistake could be how she finally gets Twi to realize she needs a break, and she admits defeat.
The near-kiss teasing was cute, and Twilight developing slight feelings for Rainbow was subtly done as I suggested before. I'd keep that and work it into the new version of the story, and see if you can build up to it a bit more. Other little things like the nose-to-cheek affectionate greeting were also good. Try to work more little things like that into the extended interaction. They can serve both as distractions that Rainbow would do on purpose to get Twilight to mess up, and would send signals to Twilight (perhaps wrong) that Rainbow is flirting with her which drives her into more worry mode.
Overall, needs to be longer. Even if you like none of my suggestions, at least so something to slow the story down. Take your time with the scene, the characters, and what they're doing, saying, and thinking.
5195960
When Dash said she was wrong was it the problem that Twilight was working on or their relationship?
5200231 It says that Dash is staring at her written work, so it's something in Twilight's research notes that is wrong.
5196900 Best ship indeed. :') Thank you so much for these tips, you've helped me massively with this piece. I have updated it and added loads of new stuff. Hopefully it's better now. Please don't hesitate to give me more tips, I appreciate them immensely.
5200903
Jeez I read it like five times and I didn't get it. I must have been tired.
5203777 Don't worry about it. I re-wrote it recently, so it should all be much clearer.
Love the reference
5219091 Aha, I'm glad you noticed. :3 She's probably my favourite of the pre-designs for the mane six, followed closely by Firefly, who I hope to write about soon. I ship Surprise and Firefly haha.
Over from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeQXUFQOp-M&feature=em-uploademail and Goomba Brony's reading.
Gotta say as someone that gets sick of "Mane 6" Ship-spam fics, this was finally one I'd call GOOD for a change.
I just get so sick of all the same old and over-reused crud, so having something that's actually written good for a change was a well needed breath of fresh air. I thank you for that, along with my note left to Goombasa on his vid/reading of it.
*(was actually cute & likable, rather than just being "gay for the hey of it" like so many)
(lolz)
Stay awesome. >_<)'7
okay
this was a thing
its not bad
i just don't get it
i mean i understand
but why?
...what ever have a thumbs up
Liking the title ;)