It was a glorious day in Equestria. The sun was shining warm and bright among the clouds in the blue sky. Young aspiring stallions from all over Equestria gathered upon the majestic city of Canterlot with each of them hoping to become proud members of the Royal Guard. Streamers, loud horns and banners paraded the barracks, welcoming the new recruits. The usual dull gray walls of the barracks suddenly became colorful for the very event.
About a group of fifty ponies, unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies combined, gathered in the entrance gate of the barracks surrounded by the peering eyes of the guards leaning on the walls of the barracks. Mixed emotions circulated within the circle. Some were getting restless and fidgety. Some were getting sweaty and anxious while others were yawning. Some of the guards watching the group of stallions made bets to see who will enter or leave while some were measuring the capabilities of each of the potential recruits by sight alone.
In the back of the crowd stood a particular white unicorn stallion with a blue mane. His eyes and expression were calm and composed; unaffected neither by the constantly peering eyes of the guards nor by the anxious gossips and whispers of the crowd beside him.
“You’re sure to pass!” a purple unicorn filly suddenly popped behind his back with a small purple baby dragon asleep sucking his thumb. “You aced every part of the examination there is.” She grinned towards her brother.
“Thanks,” he turned around with a warm thankful smile on his face. The innocent cutesy grin of his sister alone was able to eliminate every ounce of doubt and worry deep inside him. “But we still can’t be sure of ourselves Twily…” he ruffled her mane in delight.
The massive gate finally opened with the roaring sound of the horn blown in chorus. The slow creaking sound of the door opening made everypony in the circle feel like they lost their will already. From inside the barracks came three armored ponies marching towards the lot. The two in the sides seemed like the regular guardspony but the one in the middle had more distinct equipment over the rest. He was adorned in a heavier looking armor and a larger helmet compared to the two beside him.
In front of the circle, he stood high and mighty dwarfing the entire crowd with his presence alone. All of the guards, including the potential new recruits performed a salute in respect of the arrival of the captain of the royal guards.
“NOW LISTEN UP! JUST BECAUSE YOU MAGGOTS HAVE PASSED THE EXAMINATIONS DOESN’T MEAN IT’S GOING TO BE THE SAME AROUND HERE!” his thunderous voice roared throughout the barracks. His voice alone sent chills down the spines of several of the aspiring stallions. Some were taken aback while others were given a dash of reality.
“I’D LIKE TO KEEP THIS SHORT SINCE I’M NO POLITICIAN!” he stretched out his hoof and one of the guards swooped down from above handing out a scroll to the captain. “THOSE WHOSE NAMES I HAVE CALLED ARE THOSE WHO PASSED! AND JUST A HEADS-UP, THE LIST IS ARRANGED ALPHABETICALLY SO IF YOUR NAME WAS SKIPPED THEN GO HOME AND BE A FAMILY STALLION!”
One by one he read out the names of the stallions listed in the scroll. When the stallion’s name was announced, he prompted his way in front of the captain and performed a salute before he enters the barracks. The numbers quickly dwindled as the captain approached the bottom of the list. With just a handful of stallions remaining, the white unicorn in the back also began to feel the tension eating him up.
“AND LASTLY, SHINING ARMOR!” A huge sigh of relief fell upon the young unicorn the moment his name was called. The guards surrounding him all saluted Shining Armor standing in the center, welcoming him to their ranks. Quickly regaining his composure, he saluted the line of guards in return with a proud and warm smile on his face.
After the ceremonies, the young purple filly along with her baby dragon was asked to leave the area. The young filly was hesitant in leaving her precious brother, grasping tightly to his hoof.
“Don’t worry Twily, it’s not like we’re not going to see each other again.” He patted the filly’s head and smiled a warm smile which gave the young filly a form of reassurance.
The young Twilight slowly detached herself from her brother as she was escorted out of the area along with her baby dragon. Her eyes didn’t stray away from her brother the moment she left the barrack until it was no longer to be seen and Shining Armor’s eyes didn’t leave his little sister either from boarding until the chariot was no more to be seen.
A month has passed since Shining Armor’s enlistment into the Royal Guard. He had been stationed in an outpost town on guard duty. The location itself was strategic due to the lush green forest residing beside the outpost town. The town itself was built on the flat portion of the mountain to serve as checkpoint for anyone entering Equestria’s borders. The town was fortified with thick wooden walls and four watch towers towering in the four corners of the town; two in the north section and two in the south.
Before the relocation, the platoon was told that there had been changeling sightings around the area. Although none of them knew what a changeling is, they were only told that they should look out for anything that looks suspicious.
Accompanied with a yellow stallion Pegasus, Shining Armor was stationed at the northern end of the town. As the sun descended over the horizon, night took place over Equestria; however, this change in time didn’t wave Shining Armor’s dedication to his duty. He stood attentively on his watch tower, surveying the forest.
“It’s been hours already. And what we have seen so far are trees, bushes and more trees.” The pegasus yawned and grumbled after he lighted the torches in the tower. “How ‘bout it? We ditch duty and head over to the local pub for some drinks and mares.”
“They could be out there. I just can’t leave my post.” Shining Armor took out a pair of binoculars, ignoring his fellow guard’s suggestion. “Who knows what could jump out in the night?”
“Come on, just one or two mugs. Besides, we’re just offsetting our shift for an hour. What could possibly happen?” The pegasus replied nudging Shining Armor to come with him. “Just this one time…”
“No thanks, but maybe I’ll catch up as soon as my shifts over.” Shining Armor continued to ignore the pegasus’ nudging and persuasion as he looked left and right, continuing to survey and scan the area.
“What’s the point of ditching if you’re just going to leave on time?” The pegasus scratched his head. “Besides, there are many things that could happen in the pub within just an hour. If you know what I mean.” The pegasus nudged his elbow on Shining Armor’s shoulder with a ridiculous perverted grin on his face.
Shining Armor sighed and removed the binoculars from his sight. “Look, I’ll catch up with you, make sure that those mares are still there by the time I arrive. After all, you have to balance work and play right?” He turned towards his companion and gave a small chuckle. “Besides, I’ll be staying to vouch for you when the captain comes to check up on us just in case… We’ll just meet up there, okay?” Shining Armor resumed scanning the forest area with the binoculars back in his sight.
“I didn’t think about it like that.” The pegasus stopped and thought for a while. “Gee… Thanks buddy. I’ll make it up to you someday.” He replied while excitedly heading down. “You better not ditch me later.”
“That Sharpeye.” Shining Armor simply smiled as he slowly shook his head to his companion’s eagerness to hit the pub. “At least things have been more peaceful without him around.” he said while turning his attention back to the forest.
After half an hour, the area still remained stagnant; no problems caught Shining Armor’s attention. Boredom and complacency soon took its place in the stallion’s mind. He began to think about what Sharpeye had said earlier. The temptation of the drinks and mares were slowly getting to him as he looked inside town, seeing all the shops and homes lit and the pubs active for the night.
The peace and tranquility was soon disturbed by a sudden fierce rustling sound of the bushes and leaves. Shining Armor quickly responded to the sound by turning back with his binoculars in place and saw something moving back and forth behind the bushes nearby. Focusing his sight on the target, he saw a faint silhouette creeping behind the forest. At first glance, he saw something similar to wings of insects, but the figure somewhat resembled that of a pony.
“What was that?” he thought to himself wondering what in Equestria did he just saw.
With curiosity and hesitation mixing in his mind, his movement stuttered between going or not. With the thought of losing the creature, he cleared his mind and shook his head, removing the doubt and fear shrouding his mind. The next thing on his mind was capturing the said creature. Leaving the watchtower unmanned, he left a note behind saying that he’ll be out investigating the forest.
With his horn illuminating the way, he walked through the thick forest in search of that mysterious ‘thing’ he saw earlier. Looking left and right, back and forth, all he saw were trees and bushes. His heart pounding with excitement and fear, he continued the search and soon found himself in a clearing. With no luck in finding the creature, he decided to go back to his post until the same shadow figure rustled back and forth in the surrounding bushes and trees.
“Whoever or whatever you are, come out!” Shining Armor shouted as he attempted to follow the swift movement of the creature with his horn charged-up.
From the bushes, the mysterious creature jumped out. Shining Armor was shocked to see the creature for it wasn’t anything like he had seen before. Its entire body was dark and had a long teal mane and tail with different pupils for its green eyes as well. At his first glance, it seemed like a regular mare, but upon closer inspection its legs had several holes in them. It also had a pair of wings and a horn that were slightly more different than those of a pegasus and unicorn. The wings were similar to that of an insect with holes and her horn was crooked and twisted-looking compared to that of a unicorn. Unlike usual circular shaped pupils, its pupils were elongated and oblong-shaped.
Shining Armor sensed the creature’s hostile eyes as it stared at him fiercely as if he was food. Both of them stared down at each other sizing up one another while slowly moving in circles around the clearing. The beating of his chest intensified, unsure of how he will fight the creature despite remembering all the training he did.
At his surprise, the creature immediately bore its sharp fangs and propelled itself towards him. Shining Armor erected one of his barrier spells in desperation; deflecting the creature’s attacks and sending it flying to the ground.
The creature quickly stood up; unfazed by the damage he caused, and went deep inside the forest. Refusing to let the creature flee, Shining Armor quickly chased it. Hunger and weariness soon took its toll for the creature as it quickly lost stamina, slowing it down. With their distance closing-in, the creature quickly opened its wings and started to take off from the ground.
Seeing this turn of events, Shining Armor mustered all of his strength and stamina and dashed towards the creature, giving him the momentum needed to tackle the creature down before it even took off; However in doing so, both of them rolled off far deeper into the forest down a cliff without either of them noticing.
“Ugh…” Shining Armor was still feeling the after effects of the fall tried to stand on his hooves; his vision was still blurry as he looked around. Although everything was hazy, there was one figure that he noticed quickly. The creature that he persistently pursued was staggering trying to take flight and escape. It desperately tried to fly away but it seemed that one of its wings was injured during the fall. With one wing propelling it, the creature quickly fell down to the ground the moment it got up.
“Wait!” Shining Armor quickly got up on his hooves. He immediately approached the creature, unfazed by the constant jolts of pain gushing throughout his body. “Just what are you exactly?” he asked the creature while trying to resist from falling down.
“I am a changeling!” It suddenly spoke, with an echoing voice. “Now if you will excuse me, I have to get back to the Queen.”
“You can talk?!” Shining Armor was shocked to hear the creature talk in words he could understand. Clearly the creature (or ‘changeling’ as it called itself) was capable of speech unlike creatures that he had met so far.
“Of course I can.” The creature looked irritated as it stared at the white unicorn. “That’s the problem with you ponies, always thinking that you’re the only ones who are civilized.” The creature swiftly turned away from Shining Armor and started struggling to drag its feet away from him.
Shining Armor was taken aback with its words, feeling ashamed of himself thinking like that. He looked towards the injured changeling. “Where is this Queen you speak of?”
“And what? You’ll send your other pony friends to come and attack us.” The creature seemed cynical and critical to every word he had said.
“No!” He strongly denied the accusation. “It’s not like that, I want to help you. Besides it’s my fault that you ended up like this.” He felt sorry for himself while looking down to the ground.
“Help me?” The creature soon burst into laughter but the pain suddenly shot through its senses, reminding itself of its injuries.
Shining Armor quickly came to her aid without hesitation. “You’re injured, you can’t possibly go back, not the way you are right now.”
“Just leave me alone!” It suddenly screamed at him and pushed him away. “I don’t need your help.” It staggered to get up. “Especially not from a pony.” The creature soon fell to the ground, noticing that its ankle seems to be sprained from the fall earlier.
“Why is it that you hate ponies so much?” Shining Armor started to lose his temper over the creature’s disdain towards his kind.
“I am a changeling!” The creature pointed a hoof to itself. “Do you even know what we think of ponies?”
“Sadly I don’t!” he replied as he continued to approach the changeling.
“For us, you are food. That is why Equestria banned us from even entering your borders.” The changeling continued to raise its voice in its explanation.
Shining Armor was shocked to hear that statement, stopping him in his tracks. He touched his forehead while slowly walking away from the changeling, confused and terrified. “But that’s…”
“Now that you know, it’s best that you leave me be before I consume you.” The changeling whipped its mane away from him and turned towards itself, looking at her swollen hoof.
Shining Armor closed his eyes and strongly shook his head. With his determination renewed, he opened his eyes and said “No! I will help you get back to your queen. I have given my word and that’s final!”
“What?!” The changeling suddenly turned towards him with a surprised look on its face and its prideful persistence slowly died down. “Ok fine! Since you’re so persistent about it.”
“I’m Shining Armor.” He chuckled to see the creature agreeing with him. “By the way, do have a name?”
“Of course I do!” The changeling suddenly became agitated with his question. “What do you think I am?”
“I’m so sorry about that… may I know your name?” Shining Armor apologized with a sincere and honest look in his eyes.
“Fine! It’s Chrysalis, Princess Chrysalis.” She replied.
Hmmmm...
Haven't read the story but from what I could glean from the description, feels kind of like a tragic love story, yet theres no tag for that (Perhaps that is intentional.) I'll edit in my thoughts after I read the chapter
ALRIGHT HERE WE GO FIRST IMPRESSIONS!
For one thing I gotta say that the whole premise of a Shining Armor Meeting a young Chrysalis to be a nice concept at it's heart so you've got yourself a nice idea here.
However the execution has definite room for improvement.
- Now I'm not a grammar Nazi, I can't proofread to save my life, but even I noticed some pretty glaring technical issues. You shifted between Present Tense and Past tense quite often and it was jarring constantly seeing the tense changes.
- Details are a tad lacking, at least this isn't a story where you thought you were done after belting out 500 words and calling it a masterpiece. But at the same time, most of your descriptions are lacking and do a poor job at engrossing the reader. For example in your first scene, why not tell us a bit of the scenery, where are they? What else is going on besides Shining Armor and Little Twilight? Where was Shining Armor stationed that allowed him to meet little Chrysalis?
- Dialogue between Shining armor and Chrysalis lacked coherent flow, it felt very forced and it was hard for me to envision this as a natural conversation between two potential lovers. Also, the dialogue failed to convey a sense of motivation from Chrysalis as to why she was hanging around Shining Armor, what was she doing there? Why'd she tackle him? I thought the whole point of a changeling was deceit and sucking the love right out of a unsuspecting victim.
- More grammar stuff :/, sorry for hitting you over the head with it, but heres a suggestion. Before you publish anything, read it back out loud and you will very quickly find unnatural or just plain glaring mistakes within the context. It's a good habit to get into to read out loud what you write. Also, Don't be afraid to rewrite your stuff, can it, and rewrite it again. That's the whole process of writing after all, a bunch of writing and rewriting until your happy with what you got. (Now I am extremely sorry if you already know all this stuff, I don't mean to insult you.)
- Finally, yes, this feels like a tragic love story, and yet theres no tag denoting it as such. Does this mean that Shining Armor and Chrysalis ultimately stay together? is this an alternate Universe where Shining Armor hits it off with Chrysalis and not Cadance? (I get the feeling that I may be asking these questions prematurely but as a reader, this feels like a doomed from the start kind of relationship.)
- Last point, VOICE. don't be afraid to let your humor and personality color your writing, its what makes it ultimately entertaining for the reader to see how your viewpoints and wording plays out the events in the story. Also, the point of view feels kind of Omniscient Third person (Think of it like an all knowing God narrator.) But for this kind of story, maybe it would benefit if you anchored it in Shining Armor's or Chrysalis' point of view (This is a romance between them, after all.) tell the story from their perspective, make them entertaining, make it interesting give the readers something that we haven't seen before. That will go a long way with getting your stories more popular.
Overall, a good concept, but the execution could use some work. Because surely you must of seen all the Chrysalis fics going on, you've got some stiff competition as to why readers should pay attention to YOUR story. Where's the hook? As an author it's your job to convince me, the reader, as to why I should care about your story right from the get go.
:S and I apologize if you took offense to my analysis, but be proud man, you had the guts to publish and post a story for critique, and it ultimately will make you a better writer for it in the future.
sounds cool will read later
496729
Thanks for the comments i really needed that... Since i also feel that it needs revisions but i don't know what. Although i don't really get the 'voice' part... can you give an example? I'll work on the revisions first before i do the 2nd chapter...
Interesting premise.
Will have to read later.
497308 What he probably means by voice is to let it flow through you, the writing I mean. What would the characters do, not what you think they should do.
That's what I do in my stories. Actually, sometimes the my own characters surprise me. In my Resistance: Equestria story, I wanted to take it in a few different places, but when I got down to it, that didn't feel right. Instead, I went more for what the characters themselves would do, feel, and react to situations.
That's my two cents, take it for what it is.
Okay what would be a good example of voice...
I'd say something like: Let some idiosyncrasies run around, let little quirks of your personality bleed into your characters. Try and come up with a unique point of view that is the characters way of looking out into the world. Ask yourself, how would Shining Armor describe the situation he's in. What would be the details he notices? How would he respond to them, in what way? Doing this will add lots of detail and depth to the story. (At least, I think so. This is all my personal opinion so it's not perfect advice.)
Finished with the revisions Sorry that it took a while, i hope it's better than the first version. BTW i also used one my OC's from another fic i made i hope that's okay.
"GO HOME AND BE A FAMILY STALLION!”
Captain Sonic Boom?
Characters feel a little thin.
Chasing a sighting is no less abandoning one's post.
A few errors…
lit
shift's
bared (bore is the past of bear)