cover art source: http://adailey.deviantart.com/art/Watching-316189762%0A
Queen Chrysalis' plan to invade Equestria was not only due to provide sustenance to her subjects but also a form of revenge towards a certain Captain. It includes the attempt to marry Shining Armor even if it means sharing the same roof with a pony and not to mention stealing him from his love.
Before Shining Armor became Captain of the Royal Guards, he met a certain creature during one of this guard duties. he soon found himself befriending this creature let alone have feelings for her.
Before she became the evil queen that tried to invade Equestria, Chysalis was no more than a young successor to the queenship of the changelings. Being separated from her people, she soon wanders off to a town and met a certain unicorn which will change her entire view on what is 'love'
Hmmmm...
Haven't read the story but from what I could glean from the description, feels kind of like a tragic love story, yet theres no tag for that (Perhaps that is intentional.) I'll edit in my thoughts after I read the chapter
ALRIGHT HERE WE GO FIRST IMPRESSIONS!
For one thing I gotta say that the whole premise of a Shining Armor Meeting a young Chrysalis to be a nice concept at it's heart so you've got yourself a nice idea here.
However the execution has definite room for improvement.
- Now I'm not a grammar Nazi, I can't proofread to save my life, but even I noticed some pretty glaring technical issues. You shifted between Present Tense and Past tense quite often and it was jarring constantly seeing the tense changes.
- Details are a tad lacking, at least this isn't a story where you thought you were done after belting out 500 words and calling it a masterpiece. But at the same time, most of your descriptions are lacking and do a poor job at engrossing the reader. For example in your first scene, why not tell us a bit of the scenery, where are they? What else is going on besides Shining Armor and Little Twilight? Where was Shining Armor stationed that allowed him to meet little Chrysalis?
- Dialogue between Shining armor and Chrysalis lacked coherent flow, it felt very forced and it was hard for me to envision this as a natural conversation between two potential lovers. Also, the dialogue failed to convey a sense of motivation from Chrysalis as to why she was hanging around Shining Armor, what was she doing there? Why'd she tackle him? I thought the whole point of a changeling was deceit and sucking the love right out of a unsuspecting victim.
- More grammar stuff :/, sorry for hitting you over the head with it, but heres a suggestion. Before you publish anything, read it back out loud and you will very quickly find unnatural or just plain glaring mistakes within the context. It's a good habit to get into to read out loud what you write. Also, Don't be afraid to rewrite your stuff, can it, and rewrite it again. That's the whole process of writing after all, a bunch of writing and rewriting until your happy with what you got. (Now I am extremely sorry if you already know all this stuff, I don't mean to insult you.)
- Finally, yes, this feels like a tragic love story, and yet theres no tag denoting it as such. Does this mean that Shining Armor and Chrysalis ultimately stay together? is this an alternate Universe where Shining Armor hits it off with Chrysalis and not Cadance? (I get the feeling that I may be asking these questions prematurely but as a reader, this feels like a doomed from the start kind of relationship.)
- Last point, VOICE. don't be afraid to let your humor and personality color your writing, its what makes it ultimately entertaining for the reader to see how your viewpoints and wording plays out the events in the story. Also, the point of view feels kind of Omniscient Third person (Think of it like an all knowing God narrator.) But for this kind of story, maybe it would benefit if you anchored it in Shining Armor's or Chrysalis' point of view (This is a romance between them, after all.) tell the story from their perspective, make them entertaining, make it interesting give the readers something that we haven't seen before. That will go a long way with getting your stories more popular.
Overall, a good concept, but the execution could use some work. Because surely you must of seen all the Chrysalis fics going on, you've got some stiff competition as to why readers should pay attention to YOUR story. Where's the hook? As an author it's your job to convince me, the reader, as to why I should care about your story right from the get go.
:S and I apologize if you took offense to my analysis, but be proud man, you had the guts to publish and post a story for critique, and it ultimately will make you a better writer for it in the future.
sounds cool will read later
496729
Thanks for the comments i really needed that... Since i also feel that it needs revisions but i don't know what. Although i don't really get the 'voice' part... can you give an example? I'll work on the revisions first before i do the 2nd chapter...
Interesting premise.
Will have to read later.
497308 What he probably means by voice is to let it flow through you, the writing I mean. What would the characters do, not what you think they should do.
That's what I do in my stories. Actually, sometimes the my own characters surprise me. In my Resistance: Equestria story, I wanted to take it in a few different places, but when I got down to it, that didn't feel right. Instead, I went more for what the characters themselves would do, feel, and react to situations.
That's my two cents, take it for what it is.
Okay what would be a good example of voice...
I'd say something like: Let some idiosyncrasies run around, let little quirks of your personality bleed into your characters. Try and come up with a unique point of view that is the characters way of looking out into the world. Ask yourself, how would Shining Armor describe the situation he's in. What would be the details he notices? How would he respond to them, in what way? Doing this will add lots of detail and depth to the story. (At least, I think so. This is all my personal opinion so it's not perfect advice.)
Finished with the revisions Sorry that it took a while, i hope it's better than the first version. BTW i also used one my OC's from another fic i made i hope that's okay.
interesting tracking
"GO HOME AND BE A FAMILY STALLION!”
Captain Sonic Boom?
oooOOOooo!
Plot development!
Well, I like where this is going, keep writing!
After reading Transcend i have been rethinking on some of the scenes so i guess it may take some time for the next Chapter...
Ooo, poor Chrysalis.
And Shining doesn't even really notice... I wonder if he's already gotten engaged to Cadence?
That could change things to a pretty great degree is Chrysalis found out...
Well, either way, I have to admit that this iteration of a sympathetic Chrysalis is much better than basically all of the others.
684656
this is set prior to the events of the Royal Wedding... in fact it's set even before that but i do plan to make her like that before she got all evil and stuff...
552972
and yes Captain Sonic Boom is official there...
685202
Yeah, but it isn't mentioned in the show how long Cadence and Shining Armor had been engaged for, which means that they could have been engaged for a long time.
But if you say they weren't, they weren't, it is, after all, your story.
I was just wondering, is all.
685824
let's just say it's been set even before that...
687425
Okay, works for me.
oh dear....
chrysalis, what are you planning...
chrysalis, might i suggest "accidentally" breaking your horn and try to make peace with the equestrians.
of course, why would she do that. it would be a very boring story then, but you never know....
can't wait for more
714187
Don't worry I ain't gonna do that... my goal for this fic is by the end of it you guys will have a different viewpoint about the season 2 finale... I just hope that I would be able to pull it off...
720663
can't wait for more
well, i look forward to it.
Finally after 2 weeks of mixing Diablo 3 and this fic and some changes in the planned story line, it's out. I hope you guys liked this new chapter.
oh no....
mother, shut up now, please!
750588
I'm quite surprised and happy to have something react to my story like this
751617
Some"thing"?
But, you're quite welcome. Honestly, this deserves to be featured.
751950
oops sorry about that... just got excited
752968
i know the feeling
The next chapter might take a bit long but thank Celestia i've lowered my playing time on D3. Right now I'm finding some inspirations to use in the next chapter, hopefully it doesn't take as long as those two previous chapters...
nice story so far, enjoying myself
im starting to get into this odd shipping pair. i know something like this cant be cannon but thats why im here. i mean this is fimfiction, right? 
cant wait to see how chrysalis mother is gonna change everything in the next chapter. 
Hmmm....
I think mummy is being a little bit overprotective, don't ya' think?
Edit: this story kind of reminds me of this song.
836167
is the too overprotective much, bad?
btw just recently heard that song in your link
856177
i'm being silly with the overprotective comment. should have probably labeled it sarcasm...
don't you think the song works?
856582
with regards to the song
Eeyup
I've already plotted out everything, i'm just finding it hard to connect it all and putting down the details which takes a lot of time... and that game as well
861593
heh, that sound oh so familiar....
i have an entire story planned out, but no details to connect anything
861700
like there are some scenes in this fic that i had it in my mind and when i worded it it turns out different. even though i had done three fics i still can't get myself out of that problem.
ugh... the entire scene for the next chapter is done but i'm having a hard time piecing and detailing the chapters together
, please bare with me and the long gap between chapters...
Oh shit! This isnt good...
970627
and at first i thought of splitting chapter 8 but at least now i can say Part 1 is over Commencing Part 2 aka the Chapters ahead...
it was really maddening to complete this
976423
*puts on a tactical vest* strap in and load up folks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride
976761
At least now i can focus more on this compared in the past with all the distractions. I hope it turns out well.
it's just sad that views, likes and fav are getting less and less but still the few support gets me going. heck i even did a 50k+ words fic with just a a measly few readers.
982061
Heh. You have better work ethic than me.
Nice Chapter, I'm looking forward to more updates. Keep up the good work
I suspect granny to smack shining armor
1054097
i did considered that thought, since i feel it would make the history of the apple farm inconsistent. so i might be using minor OC's
but seriously why would granny smack shining armor?
1056910 trespassing her cocaine barn ?
Care to give me suggestions in designing this OC farmer? stumped at the moment with this farmer pony
cocaine barn
1057621
1062149 how about making it carrot top granny
But seriosly though Cocaine. Barn.
1064576
hmmm... cocaine barn... cocaine barn really giving it thought, but it would ruin the for everyone category
1067336
Ok so making her a druglord is worse than kidnapping, death threats, faking death to escape said death threats, lying to family, homophopia and dismissing your job.
I smell shenanigans