Agony

Dear Friends…

I’m so sorry that it has come to this, but I have no other choice. By the time you are reading this it will be too late to change to my destiny. I know what you’re thinking right now, that this is your fault. Don’t blame yourselves for this; this is my fault and mine alone. And yet, while this will hurt me to say it, I feel I owe all of you this one final explanation of my true reality.

Throughout my entire life I’ve been shy and always tried to hide in the background. It was only when I became friends with the six of you that I began to open up a little, and even then, not by much. However, even though I haven’t ever wanted to be the center of attention, I always did my best to make sure that everypony knew I would always be there for them no matter what. Of course, it was only the animals who seemed to take notice of that since nopony ever really talked to me. But as my reputation for being a kind, loving caretaker for animals grew, so did my presence in Ponyville. I still hardly ever spoke to anypony and when they tried to talk to me, I became too afraid to speak, as I’m sure you remember Twilight. The only reason I was even able to talk to you was Spike. Far from making me happy that I had finally managed to speak to another pony, this made me have an even lower opinion of myself. I could speak to animals without a moment’s hesitation, but ponies? Only through animals could I speak with them and even with that, any conversations were usually brief. It was then that I realized that I wasn’t the pony I had always wanted to be. Somepony like me barely even deserved to be considered a pony. I had failed. Everypony called me kind, the Elements of Harmony themselves recognized me as kind. And yet, I was everything but kind. A pony like me…who in their right mind could see me that way? I didn’t and still don’t, understand why I have any friends at all, especially since I don’t deserve you guys. Would you care if I left? I don’t think so, but soon we shall find out.

And at that point, I couldn’t handle it anymore. All my sorrows and fears came back to me, and crushed me under their indescribable weight. I could feel the agony, slowly at first, then more and more as it grew, bringing demons and shadows with it. I was helpless as the shadows began to encircle my heart and the demons devoured my soul, piece by piece. There was nothing I could do, for I had become a prisoner of my own emotions.

Each and every night I cried myself to sleep. That was the only thing I had left, the only release. I doubt that you ever noticed the pain I was in since I had become a master at hiding it. But even if you did know, would you have cared? Of course not. You never thought to ask me how I was feeling, or anything about my past. It was always all about you. Of course, that’s partially my fault for not trying to tell you my feelings. I never wanted to trouble you with my problems, not when you all had your own.

I could cry endlessly, spilling all of my pain for the rest of eternity to see, except for you that is. Any life left within me could bleed out of me right before your eyes, but would you see it? No, of course not. I’ve hidden it too well, for far too long. In the grand scheme of the world, I mean nothing. I am nothing. Everypony else has done so much more, and yet, I’m still here. Not for much longer though. Soon, this burden that is me shall be lifted from your shoulders. I was never anything special. The world can stand to lose a useless being like me. In fact, I’m sure I’ll be forgotten quite soon after I am gone.

Every time I look into a mirror, the reflection that stares back at me frightens me. All I see is a monster, not a pony. And most certainly not the pony I’ve always wanted to be. I’m not even who I thought I was. If I wasn’t so weak, then maybe I would’ve been able to push through this. But since I’m me, there’s no way for that to happen. I can see the brilliant shine on the steel, just waiting for me. It seems so beautiful, so easy, just to grab that blade and end all of my suffering. It’s almost as if it’s drawing me closer, so close that there’s no backing out now. Will this be the beginning of the end?

Soon I will find the answer to that question, for I can no longer stand to be in this world. Whether you care or not, I’m sorry. Sorry for the pathetic excuse for a pony that I was. Sorry for the miserable failure that I was and will forever be. Just promise me one thing, don’t grieve for me, alright? I’m not worth it…

For the last time, I’m so sorry…..and I love you more than you could ever know….

Five ponies and one dragon stood silently, huddled close together as they looked at the gravestone before them. Engraved upon its surface were the words:

Here lies Fluttershy
The very embodiment of kindness
She has left a permanent mark on all the lives that she touched
And her legacy shall be forever treasured in our hearts

As one, all six of her friends knelt before the grave and said, “I’m so sorry….”

Six tears fell, and formed a pool in the shape of a broken heart on top of the words. So, so sorry…

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