Two 'Princes' From the East
The audience chamber’s anteroom was crowded with quiet, watchful shadows... or maybe the candles were just burning a bit too low.
“Are you sure about this, Flam?” Flim adjusted his gold-plated headpiece once again, causing his many bracelets to jangle, and he checked to make sure the beaded shawl concealing his cutie mark was in place.
Flam shot him a dirty look. “How many times have we gone over it, brother of mine? I am Prince Mustachio the Flambious, and you are Prince Flimberlino. We don't have any other names.”
“It's just—” Flim folded and unfolded his butterfly wings. “—I'm not totally sure we're ready for this yet. I mean, if he doesn't—”
“We'll have none of that talk now, brother of mine. You know as well as I this prince hardly ever holds audiences. We have to strike while the iron's hot!” Flam's false beard almost came loose in his enthusiasm, but he quickly tucked it back into place, causing his own jingling clamor of bracelets and necklaces. “This is the sale of a lifetime, and we're not passing it up!”
Flim nodded noisily. “You're right of course, brother of mine. Still, I wish—”
Outside the little room, trumpets blared.
“That would be our cue, Prince Flimberlino.”
“You're right, Your Flambiousness.” Flim – with ease born from years of practice – strutted through the door alongside his brother. He never showed the slightest hint of his doubt or concern.
The two of them gave a shallow bow as they approached the throne, as befitting a greeting between royal equals.
As rehearsed, the moment their bow was returned, they sprung into action. Flam rushed up to one side of the throne; Flim swirled around to the other.
Flam whispered into the Prince's ear, “We're very glad, oh prince so high, to hear of your open court...”
“... Your sad affliction, hardly fair, has broken our caring hearts,” Flim finished.
“You see, fair Prince, we don't think you deserve such an unfortunate condition...”
Prince Blueblood's eyes grew wider and wider as the two 'exotic princes' whispered into his ears.
“... You see, wise Prince, it's time your rule came to its fruition.”
The two of them jumped back, joining each other in front of the throne. “Because there's one thing you surely lack,” they chanted together, “one thing that's holding you back.”
“Just one insignificant thing.”
“Just one unfortunate thing.”
They bumped together, back to back. “And that thing is wings!” Together, they unfurled their beautiful butterfly wings.
Prince Blueblood opened his mouth as if to say something, but he never got the chance.
Flim leaned in toward his partner, faux gold chains jingling. “But what could we do about that, Prince Mustachio the Flambious?”
Flam leaned in as well. “Why, I know just the thing, Prince Flimberlino.” He reached into a pocket of his ornately embroidered saddlebags and drew out a glittering blue stone.
They both stared at it as if enraptured by its beauty. “Alicornium!”
“It's the rarest mineral in all the world, known only to our kind!”
“Transforms ponies into flutterpony alicorns like him and I!”
Flam sidled up to the Prince. “But, of course, because it is so exceedingly rare...”
“It's beyond compare!”
“... and it is so amazingly grand...”
“It's important that you understand...”
Both of them leaned in close to the Prince. “That we may need just a bit of compensation. Nothing that would be a problem for a pony of such station.”
“What would you say, Prince Flimberlino, what do you think is fair?”
Blueblood glanced from one to the other.
“Don't forget, Prince Mustachio, this is the last known alicornium anywhere!”
The Prince's eyes went wide at that.
“Well, we would be taking a loss...”
“... a shameful loss...”
“... But I think we could let it go for a mere five million bits.”
Before Prince Blueblood could level his skeptical glare at them, Flim shot a hoof up into his brother's face, making both of them rattle. “Hold it right there, Your Flambiousness! Prince Blueblood is our friend! We couldn't possibly charge him more than two million square!”
They both glanced at Blueblood expectantly.
He glanced at them, but his eyes kept glancing back to the 'alicornium'.
“Just think, my unicorn friend—” Flam nudged him from the left “—of no longer being 'second-rate royal'.”
“Just think, my lordly Prince—” Flim nudged him from the right “—of the authority you so deserve!”
“One one condition.” Blueblood still looked at them through narrowed eyes, but Flim could see the glint of greed. It was as good as sold. Blueblood looked Flim in the eyes. “I become an alicorn first, then you get your money.”
“Of course!” Flam smiled. “Your satisfaction's guaranteed, or you don't pay a single bit!”
“And you won't just be some garden variety alicorn, no sir!” Flim took the 'alicornium' from his brother and held it up. “You'll be a flutterpony alicorn, the only such from here to our far-flung home!”
Blueblood nodded. “Deal.” Of course he did. Flim and his brother never failed on a sale, not once he'd seen that glimmer of greed.
“That's a smart deal there!”
“And at a price that's more than fair!”
Blueblood took the rock in his magical grip. “So... how does it work?”
Flim gestured at it, his bracelets clattering. “First, hold the stone with magic, just as you are.”
Blueblood nodded.
Flam wrapped a hoof around him. “And close your eyes. Think of how you'll go far.”
As soon as Blueblood's eyes closed, Flim lit up his horn. He was glad Flam would be handling the difficult part. Casting the 'allow earth ponies to fly for three days' spell was something Flim had never quite been able to do. But Flam had been able to do it twice – with a day's rest each time – and the third time would be the charm.
Flim's own part was much simpler. He only needed to cast a fire-starting spell on the 'alicornium'. As soon as the wing spell began to wrap around the Prince, Flim triggered his own spell.
The 'alicornium' burst into flame. Of course it did. It was just coal liberally coated with glue and blue glitter, after all.
The flame made Blueblood open his eyes – just as planned – just in time to see the 'alicornium' consume in flame, shedding glittering specks.
One now-familiar flash of light later, and Blueblood sat on his throne, blinking and subconsciously flexing his brand-new wings.
“Why, now you're just like one of us!” Flim cried out dramatically. It was essential that he keep Blueblood distracted for a few moments while Flam recovered. “Now the other royals have nothing on you! The locals will come flocking to see something so new! They'll be so amazed that anything you order, they'll gladly do!”
The distraction was almost unnecessary. Blueblood had eyes only for his new wings. “They're... they're beautiful.”
“And well worth the price.” Flam stepped up again. Expert showpony that he was, even Flim couldn't see any sign of the strain on him.
Flim nodded. “It's only fair.”
“You're right...” Blueblood still didn't take his eyes off his new wings. He lifted up a scroll and quill with his magic, and scribbled out a hasty note. Stamping it with a rubber seal, he floated it over to Flam. “Here, take this to the royal exchequer, and he'll pay you in full.”
“Why thank you, most benevolent of princes!” Flam gave an exorbitant bow.
Flim followed suit. “May our paths cross many times again!”
* * *
Blueblood walked – uninvited – into Celestia's royal audience chamber, strutting as he had never strut before. An occasional flap of his glimmering wings gave his step an unnatural lightness.
“Celestia!” he yelled, interrupting whatever unimportant minutia she might have been debating at the time. “As you can see, I have ascended into full alicorn-hood, as befitting my station.” He stopped dead-center in the hall. “And I have decided that as my royal duties, I will be in charge of the treasury and the royal guard, as well as the city of Las Pegasus.”
Celestia blinked at him. “How did this happen? Where did you get wings like those?”
He shot his very smuggest grin at her. “They're flutterpony wings, given to me with the assistance of two flutterpony princes from the Far East.”
“Blueblood...” She sighed. “There's no such thing as 'flutterponies'. They're just a legend based on early sightings of breezies.”
“How little you know!” Blueblood laughed. “I spoke with two of them mere hours ago!”
“I have seen wings like those before, though...” She stared at him.
“Aha! See, even you admit it now: they do exist!” Blueblood's grin widened.
“It's a relatively simple spell, though it consumes a great deal of energy.” Celestia's brow scrunched in concentration, and her horn glowed. Waving lines of force encircled one of her grey unicorn guards. “Princess Twilight did it once. It's spectacular, but it only lasts for three days...”
There was a flash, and the unicorn guard had shimmering wings to match Blueblood's own.
None of the guards – not even the newly alicorned one – so much as glanced at the new appendages. Blueblood wished he had guards so well-disciplined. He wished he had his own cadre of guards at all! Oh, the things he could get up to if he had his own private reserve of buff stallions answering to his every—
“Blueblood?”
He shook his head. Must have gotten a little distracted there.
“Prince Blueblood, what I'm trying to tell you is that somepony has played a cruel joke on you.” Celestia winced. “If you would like my assistance in removing the wings, I could...”
Blueblood's eyes opened wide. “Two million,” he whispered to himself.
Before Celestia could say another word, Blueblood shot away. He had a couple of 'flutterponies' to catch, and fast!
* * *
Flim ran as fast as he could alongside his brother, their jewelry clinking and clattering almost as much as the cartload of bits behind them.
“So,” Flam panted, “what did I... tell you?”
“You were right!” Flim huffed. “Best scam ever!”
The two of them careened on down the westward road to Las Pegasus, their breathless laughter lost in the wind.
* * *
High above, a temporarily winged prince soared away in the opposite direction, searching for the two flutterpony princes and their mythical eastern kingdom.
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That was a fun read. I got a few chuckles from it as well. Great job!
Ahahahahahahahahah
I can think of no pony more deserving of such a blessing. I just hope Blueblood has to pay back the state for what his gullibility cost it.
With any luck, Flim and Flam will do something actually constructive with the money. Maybe market automobiles. They probably won't think that practically, but there's always hope.
Thank you for this.
5151549 We the "dicks" of the story are happy that some dicks played a good joke on a dick.
We are still dicks for that. I dont understand why we condone illegal retribution to villains and antagonists. Makes us just as bad as them.
5151717
Because it's all fictional, and I wouldn't condone this sort of thing in reality?
MST3K Mantra, my friend. Just relax and repeat to yourself, "It's just a story."
5151783 The cruel reality however proves you wrong as this happens in reality. My problem extends and is beyond the story in itself.
If this was just the story there wouldnt be retribution and vengeance or revenge in the real world. The story and your comment is just an excuse for me to have adressed a real problem.
And now i am done.
5151462
5151527
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!
5151783
5151889
Heh, goodness, guys. Relax.
This story is not an endorsement of vigilante revenge.
It's just a funny thing that happened.
Oh, that was funny!
5151897 The comment suggests the person is in favor. I know the story isnt.
5151900
Glad you liked it!
5151914
True.
Yes in our world this should not be condoned. However, in Celestias world I must say that it couldn't have happened to a nicer pony.
5152302 Could have happened to anyone. Well almost...
Flim and Flam's voices came through very well here, but I'm not sure if I was sold on the story itself - the bit with Celestia was kind of bland, really.
Congratulations to the great Alicorn Prince Blue Blood... XDDD
Does it still count as Karma when the ones pulling the scam are probably bigger dicks than the dick getting scammed?
5152633
Hm...yeah.
I might have spent so much time and effort perfecting Flim and Flam's voices that I forgot to do much with the rest of it.
(In fairness, those two are hard to write!)
5153767
Is it weird that I have another alicorn Blueblood story on the way?
5154760
Sort of... but then the scammers need some karma, too.
Epilogue: Blueblood's wings melted in the hot sun and he died. The end.
5155322
I'm not sure why people hate Blueblood so much.
Sure, he was a dick to Rarity for one night... but of all the MLP antagonists, he's pretty much the most benign.
5155339 I don't hate him, it's just funny to watch him get into trouble caused by his own vanity or stupidity. Celestia did forget to warn him that the wings can spontaneously fizzle out.
5155319
Eenope
I wonder how will be that history, and waiting
You need to write a sequel to this about the alicorn guard going power-crazy for alicornhood/addicted to the spell.
Plus the Flim/Flam song was awesome!
5156819
Or, better yet, have him gay out being a pretty pony princess, and the other guards resent his fabulousness.
5155439
In that story, I've found out that Blueblood/Discord interactions are very fun to write.
Oh how glad I am that I am not the only person with that headcanon!
5195391
Of course Blueblood is gay. ^.^
5195708
5247710
That was hilarious!
5271479
Thanks! ^.^
Blueblood, Blueblood, Blueblood....
5327008
No no. That's not it at all.
It's: Flam, Blueblood, Flim
5328436 I meant that by Blueblood heading the wrong direction
Once again, you write a hilarious story! Finally Flim and Flam scam somepony who deserves it.
5686892
Heh. That part, at least, was not my idea, actually. This one was a commission. ^.^
I am a complete sucker for well done fics like this. Naturally, this is at the top of those lists. This is hilarious, from Flim and Flam fretting to their complete professionalism to how Blue gets completely suckered into it. Love it from start to finish, ten outta ten, more please?
5769108
Glad I could deliver! ^.^
This isn't my only Blueblood story, at least... so you might get more that way. I don't think I've ever done any other Flim Flam ones though... certainly not this good.
5771462 Hm...clearly this needs to be remedied asap.
I saw this in the Seattle Angels' review, and when I saw who wrote it I just had to look. :)
Glad I did! It was a fun little story. I liked the back-and-forth of Flim and Flam, I think you did a great job capturing their style -- which doesn't seem easy to do in writing!
Blueblood's "distraction" at the idea of having his own buff, private cadre of guards made me chuckle.
He seemed a bit quiet during the initial scam, though I suppose if anyone could talk over him that much it might be those two.
Nice end scene, Blueblood ain't too bright, is he?
7323075
Glad you liked it! ^.^
Cute. Not spectacular but enjoyable.
Probably the funniest bit was just that I reached the scene with Celestia and thought, oooh, that's why he wasn't really interested in Rarity.
7330757
Love how accurate the Flim Flam brothers are!
7403137
Getting characters right. ^.^ It's what I'm good at.