Cold. Snowy. A blanket that didn't deserve the title, seeing that it gave off absolutely no warmth. That's the condition I found her in. She would have stayed that way too. I keep telling them, it was fate.
Fate...
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 3rd Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 27th, 2016
BewhoUr
I don't care if you're black, white, bisexual, straight, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich, or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that.
BewhoUr
Joined 3rd Aug, 2014 ·
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Nice and sweet
5087189
Aww, thanks!
Hi, hope you don't mind me pointing out some errors.
This is kinda redundant since you've already mentioned the flames and the smoke earlier, so we know what the glass is shielding.
It took me a moment to figure out what this meant, mostly because of the renegade in there. Break/Shatter/Crack, etc, would all work just as well and be less jarring. Maybe try changing the first or second Offered to something like Provided, since word repetition - unless it's a small word - can spin you out of a story.
Ellipses are three dots. Always. No exceptions.
When I first read this, I thought it was saying that Bon Bon had passed away; reading further on, that's not the case, so this should be amended to something like "... since Bon Bon left/went away over two years ago."
Sensed and Exciting, respectively.
Of.
For.
Lose.
This is a nit-pick, but hear me out. Maybe your experience is different on this, but when I think of a python slithering around my neck, it's usually in the context of a nightmare. You should use something warm and comforting sounding instead.
Encased.
If I saw a strange child wandering around in the snow, my first instinct would be to find who their parents are.
Rather than go straight to this, if the child is an orphan/abandoned/whatever, Lyra should ask for a name, and upon not getting one, come up with something.
There's.
Still, a cute story, just needs some work.
5087404
Thanks for mention of the errors. My computer has been funny lately, not taking many of my edits. I'll take that into mind though!
This was really cute.
And well told good job. and great work as always.
Fav'd
5087556
Thanks! It was fun writing about Lyra, and especially making up the tale of the fire. Just writing the whole thing gave me the warm fuzzies
Thanks for reading and faving, stay awesome!
Sequel
?
have a like anyway
5088069
Thank you so much! Possible sequel where Taffy and Lyra find the truth about Taffy's parents.
OK, If I know me then there will be a sequel.
5088098 Jippie
Yes until that human part. Not completely out of left feild, but unneeded
5089015
Thanks for the opinion kind sir!
I was mostly adding the last sentence for the funnies
5087510
You still need to go through the story again for further cleanup. There's further misspelling and a number of missing words throughout.
That's the most egregious one. What did Bon Bon do two years ago?
5089245
Yeah, my editing system is being a huge jerk… it won't save it the way I want. I might need to download a new one
It was supposed to be moved away.
5089253
Kinda figured. It's the missing words that're currently bugging me the most. It's a nice story otherwise.
5089266
Thanks! I'm glad that you notified me of the problem.
This was a fun read, but you have quite a few spelling errors. Do you have plans for a follow up to the story?
5091890
Thank you for your opinion! I edit my own stories, usually late at night, so I thought there might be a couple mistakes. I'm glad you told me though!
And I am planning a sequel in which, years later, Lyra has to deal with giving Taffy up to her rightful mother. Thanks for reading!
5091890
Thank you for your opinion! I edit my own stories, usually late at night, so I thought there might be a couple mistakes. I'm glad you told me though!
And I am planning a sequel in which, years later, Lyra has to deal with giving Taffy up to her rightful mother. Thanks for reading!
Some nights I stay up, cashing in my bad luck, some nights I call it a draw...
5091981 The same mother who abandoned or somehow lost their child under a hedge in the snow? I child who is not old even old enough to speak?
Yeah, my sympathy is with Lyra, biological parents are overrated.
and taking her away from Lyra would do more harm than good. Family is not shared blood, Family is a bond of love, and it means being there for the ones you care for. And the fact that this filly was alone on a cold night (a night which would have surely been her death), lost due to either negligence or apathy, she has already failed as a parent, and Lyra who took her in, and cared for her as her own, while her biological mother was off doing who knows what for the intervening years, Lyra is infinitely more deserving of that title. Not to mention that taking away a child from the person she perceives as her mother, will cause lasting damage, as well as resentment for person who did it, biological mother or no. If she truly cared for her filly and wanted to reconnect to her lost daughter, she would leave her where she is, and try and insinuate herself as gently as possible into her life, without getting between her and Lyra, visit regularly, play with her daughter, that sort of thing, not rip her away from the only family she knows.
I would be interested in a sequel though, its a lovely little story.
It would also be interesting to see bon-bon back, seeing a changed, more responsible Lyra, who is taking care of a foal.