A new delivery colt in town

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you that read wrong

you that read wrong #1 · Sep 28th, 2014 · · ·

As a wise youtuber once said:

FIRST.
Ok time to actually read this.

you that read wrong

you that read wrong #2 · Sep 28th, 2014 · · ·

5067137
Now that ive read it.....

Well, im amazed this is what it takes to get a story on fimfiction.
First of, why is "every single fucking piece of dialogue in italics like this?" honestly wtf, i get this is you first try but seriously?
Oh and by the way, i dont think you proof read any of this once you where done or atleast not very well becuase you diddint put any quotation marks form an entire paragraph of dialogue:

hello ma'am I'm here dropping off the PlayHoof 4 you ordered,I just need you to sign for it and I'll take the 120 bits he said taking a clipboard out of his saddle bag.

I understand a line, but an entire. Fucking. Paragraph? Dear god what is this wourld comeing to? Oh umm, we have a grammical error here:

she looks at him and says through her breaths "you know I have a lot of deliveries coming,perhaps I can pay you this way with those too?" she says winking

Hmm, what else? Oh yeah, the story forgot what perspective it was being told in here:

Through heavy breaths she looks at him "that felt amazing...I'm going to need you to do overtime like that more" she says smiling
After we clean up the mess she yawns "well the day is over now your free to go home,make sure you come extra early tomorrow morning..." she says winking

One thing i noticed (aside from the stiff naration) was that there are a lot of grammical errors like,this with the a comma replaceing a space, thats a pretty hard mistake to make on a pc..... Unless you typed this on a phone or tablet, witch is kinda a bad exuse for it considering im typeing this with a phone.

Umm... Lets see the other problems here are: bland (but tolerate-able) dialogue and extremely basic narration, with a dab of lack of character motivation (i would just say the dilivery guy was horny and buttons mom whassent getting the good stuff from her husband for whatever reason.)
Um.... positives..... positives.... Oh, um i like the BM viedio reference, that was good.

Sorry if i seem like a dick, and i congratualate you on your first story. have a nice day.

Toxic Charm

Toxic Charm #3 · Sep 28th, 2014 · · ·

5067277 I will say,thank you for your input and concerns and I will be fixing the grammer issues and I will fix that asap. As well as the quotes being like this was just a test a favorite author of mine does that as quotes and I like it becuase the quotes stand out more and it's easier for the eyes to pick up if it's in a large bulk of text.

lolznspades

lolznspades #4 · Sep 28th, 2014 · · ·

...simple, but the errors make it difficult to enjoy. Also, very rushed in sex, and lack of detail too...

Toxic Charm

Toxic Charm #5 · Sep 28th, 2014 · · ·

5069434 sorry about that,I am running through the story now to fix some errors. (I'm slightly new to writing XD) In future stories/chapters there will be more story and hopefully more detail. I thank you for reading this fic and for your opinion it really does help me out.

steven69