Cumulus Sky
Joined 21st Apr, 2012 ·
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Um...is it wrong to say I might have laughed once or twice?
479821 At the horrible writing? Or was it funny? xD
479862
No, it was funny (to me anyway) but that might just be because I am a very disturbed individual. And there is nothing wrong with the writing: a few mistakes here and there, but generally very good for a first fanfic. Well done, mister.
Another attempt to be the next "Cupcakes" but with no real plot.
What made "Cupcakes" so successful was the time the writer spent showing how and why Pinkie became a crazed killer. Your story lacks any reason or motivation for Sweetie Belle becoming a killer.
Yes you do mentiom once or twice SB feeling some sort of bloodlust, and wanting to see more blood but IMO it is not nearly enough.
Maybe if you were to play up the feelings of power or control in SB while maiming Scoots, while also giving at least some reason like jealousy, bullying, or abuse in SB background for her to do this.
Now i'm not the greatest when it comes to spelling or grammer, but you do have some basic errors.
First, everytime you switch dialogue from one character to another, you start a new line. You don't lump them all together in one paragraph.
Next, do not EVER center align your stories, other than the title. Always align left, align center is a lazy gimmck, and distracting to the reader.
I laughed a bit, but it would have been funnier if the two ponies were conscious through their dismemberment, since it kind of defeats the point of torture if the subject is not awake to experience the pain.
Thanks for the criticism guys! I'm taking your advice into my next story. It's not a Dark, its more of a serious, sad story. Keep an eye out for it :) The first part should be out by tomorrow morning!
A buddy told me that there was a fic out there that had almost the exact same name as mine (The Cutie Mark Killers). So I decided to check it out.
You know what? I like it.
On thing though, it's good practice to start a new line for each separate line of dialogue. Other than that, well done.
How did this get not get more attention?