Cottoncandy Soldier, a twenty-year-old colt living in the harsh and unforgiving city of Manehatten, during the harsh, cold, unforgiving reign of Apathy, feels that things are never going to get better for him. He has never felt the magic of friendship, or the power of love. Each day he goes to work alone, walks home alone, goes to bed alone and does practically everything alone. He has been bullied all his life, and is a social outcast. He feels that no-one wants him, no-one needs him. But boy is he wrong. There is a filly who sees him as a friend, a confidant, and a savior. A filly who's had multiple dreams about him. A filly to whom he means so much. And there's a planet that needs him. A planet which only they are qualified to save. Because they are the only children left with the power of kindness, the only children who truly, truly have the friendship of magic within them. And the Elements of Harmony, well, they are looking for new bearers. In this futuristic world, old royalty lies dead, old comradery lies waiting rebirth.
This is set in a future where Equestria is a lot like Earth and had most of the same technologies.
5709215 Well maybe she's confused and just a bit scared. Take into account that she's fourteen and he's twenty. And these things are really really really really complicated. And her mom won't let her date until she's eighteen. And she likes him as a friend but she also has a crush on him. She doesn't want to go into a relatioinship yet because she doesn't think that it will work out. She's not nearly mature enough for that and neither is he. And they'll have a lot of figuring out and talking to do if they want to make it work. And she never ever wants to lose him ever. But couples break up all the time. Friends don't do that as much. There is so much stuff considered and if this has to be a thing it has to be a whole-life thing (did I mention that she doesn't ever want to lose him?) and they aren't mature enough for this shit yet. And when couples break up it's a horrible experience that she doesn't have strength enough to handle. And she doesn't want to put him through that either. And when couples don't break up but are still dysfunctional it also causes a lot of pain. And she doesn't want that. Friendship is a way to be with him without anyone getting hurt and for the moment (maybe not forever, maybe forever) that's honestly all that's gonna actually work. Romance is a very hard, complicated thing and she's looking out for everyone's best interests at the moment. She's really sorry but it's what she feels is the best for everyone, including CS. She understands how boys can feel from being friendzoned but sometimes both boys and girls need to understand that romance is a serious thing and can't be rushed into whenever anyone has a crush on anyone. Equestria at the time has a 50% divorce rate and that's not even including that 90% of non-married couples break up. And she doesn't wanna be in any of those statistics.
But she spends every day hoping that the two of them will get married one day and have a family together - their kids would be so beautiful! - and live happily ever after.
5931060 I know. Magic+technology=powerful. More power than anyone should probably have especially mortal, flawed beings.
They ain't secret to me
my best friend is german
6142334 How'd you know?
I'll take the risk of commenting and giving my opinion, even if I'm probably not qualified for that. I'm wondering, at this point, where the story is going to go.
1) The first thing that I noticed was that the story could probably be about humans without much problem (at this point, it will probably be otherwise later, at least I hope so). In fact, it seems to be a "self insert" story (don't know if it is). But back to the pony thing:
This is both great and sort of bad. Sort of bad because Lauren Faust would be "disappointed" to hear about cars in her universe (but she isn't here, so who cares?). Great because it reinforces the depressing atmosphere of the story (at least for me). You probably chose to simply talk about stuff you know (a car to go to work), but symbolicaly speaking, this is very rich, even more for ponies.
Having phone and cold weather are not as impactful, but show that this is more human than pony (not a bad thing, you will just have to deliver in the end).
Using the word "God" was amusing given you use "Celestia" later in the text.
Thirteen? The strange thing is you either used the fact they are ponies to play with it, or you are making a human-like world and I find it difficult to imagine that you invented the "thirteen". As a cop told me once "fiction is always based on facts". But still, thirteen, that's young... And I hope we will hear about the brother later in the story.
2) There is a slight weird thing in the text, as you say:
Which pretty much means "he had met one colt, but now he is all alone".
And then, you say:
"It was exactly what he wanted to see, a notification that Whirlwind had texted him. That filly. The only friend he had. "
Which contradicts the previous statement. And it's a quite rushed introduction of Whirlwind's character.
If I may, I could propose a slight modification to introduce the idea there:
I would propose (for what it's worth) "He hated the way he looked. He hated himself. He hated everypony but one/her." => to introduce the idea that there is another pony we haven't heard about.
Other than that, I notice that I'm not in the targeted public.
...
Well, let's see what the rest of the story has in store.
I have to admit, I like how you intersect both points of view. At first, I was telling myself "Yeah, sure, how did she happen to be there, all of a sudden", and then I obtained my answer, all very fluidly.
Can't help but think of Madoka Magica for that mother. Don't know if this is a reference or not.
Now, to be quite honest, I didn't understand at first that he was trying to end it with a knife. And for once, I can't blame my poor knowledge of english.
This is a bit fast. Maybe I'm at fault there, but just before there was a very long repetitive passage with references to how miserable he was feeling (pretty much just as the first chapter), so I just opted for a passive reading waiting for a signal that things were happening. And I only noticed that something had happened when I read about Whirlwind bursting into the room.
A change of tone, or a change of rythm, or even a repetition of the word "knife" would have helped greatly.
The repetition of the word "but" seems kind of gratuitious and missplaced, given the importance of that dialogue.
Also, but that's very personal:
Video games do not show what being a soldier means. Not even operation flashpoint and that's the closest simulation to reality I've ever encountered. Nothing to do with the story, but I guess I'm getting invested in your story and therefore in what is being said.
Okay, I should really read everything before commenting on it... lesson learned.
Allowed. This one is too big not to be corrected. ... sorry.
Back to the story itself. At this point, I'm mostly wishing for Whirlwind to be sort of a concrete illusion born from CS's mind. Because it would be awesome, for one, but also mostly because the way she speaks and answers what he says feels incredibly weird. Like she knows everything and is way wiser than any normal person.
In detail:
Cliché, but always great. I'm all for it.
Okay... hard to believe someone used such words in such circumstances. I mean, those are great words, and beautiful, but isn't she supposed to be a filly that didn't expect to be there at that moment and wouldn't normally know what is going on and what to say?
There, it must be a cultural thing. Just weird for me to see the word "Baby" used in such circumstances.
This is a great response, but still, given without any hesitation, or time to think it about it. At this point, she is either a genius, a guardian angel or a fifty years old very wise mother.
The dialogue all alone gives a very cold feeling and, again, the impression Whirlwind is way to wise for her age and the circumstances. If I take that passage, it could be written like that for example:
""What if you can't?"
She didn't know. Well, she wasn't sure. Did it even matter?
"I believe that you can, Cottoncandy Soldier!"
Yeah, that was right. She didn't care if it was possible or not. She believed in him and saying his name out loud felt so great. She cuddled with him and added:
"You need to believe in yourself too.""
Just to show what I mean. Just to show a bit more of emotions, doubts and difficulties for the filly to handle the situation and get away from a classical greek drama.
Also, if I may, the formulation "I need you to believe in yourself too" could be more realistic, as people tend, in such circumstances, to still be very selfish. And also because, on a psychological point of view, people tend to be paradoxically more inclined to do things for others than themselves when they are feeling down.
I would like to say "Best mom ever", but I remember parents that let their 14 years old daughter date a 19 years old man and I couldn't help but feel there was something wrong there.
I find it weird you decided to have the parents accept. It's kind of hard to accept the idea that Equestria has gone to shit when people are acting normally (as human standards go).
Also, when it comes to the message:
It would be all okay if she hadn't shown such great wisdom before. Because "he deserves a really bad beating" is a very childish way of thinking about justice (from the point of view of the human rights convention).
I'm just wondering how that message will evolve through the story. For the moment, it's just highly subject to polemic.
Hum... in the shape of what? I'm confused. Is it intentional? This seems weird.
When I read "multi colored man" I thought of Rainbow Dash. I had to go back to find a picture of Celestia to confirm that she also has a multi colored mane. It's simply a matter of association of words.
From Whirlwind's point of view, it's perfectly normal, as she cannot understand. Even though she just asked:
But that's a detail. What is important, however, is that I, as a reader, know exactly what a butterfly shaped stone means. Si it creates a weird effect to read in my head "I don't understand" because I cannot prevent myself to immediately respond "But I do understand".
Weird effect, but well, I wanted to quickly speak about it.
Other than those elements, the plots begins and it's promising. Bringing the Windigos back is a good idea and also goes well with the whole "climatic change" thing that you were talking about in the beginning of the story. Don't know if it was the intention, but that's interesting (whether we appreciate it or not).
And using the dream to slowly bring Celestia up was well done in my opinion. I thought it would be the tree of harmony, but ended up positively surprised.
What? With friends like she has? Okay... why not. I'm not sure what you wanted to show or do.
Something happened here...
You never showed how... I mean, she has a good mother, great, but CS has good parents it seems. Heck, his parents are, very arguably, better than mine.
The weird thing is, I'm reading it while living in a country where studying fees are basically free. So the parallel of the story loses some of its impact. As I said, I'm probably not in the targeted public.
But I understand the feeling.
I imagine you just want to show how badly the character is feeling when learning about her world. But at the same time, you're discussing political and societal subjects. And very touchy ones at that. I don't really mind, but I'm kind of worried because it feels like you want to shout what thoughts oppress you rather than focus on the story itself.
Well, again, I'm just not in the targeted public.
This one is great. I imagine you wrote that as another fact about the world as you see it (and basically as it actually is from my understanding), but that last part does feel, from my own point of view, as an exaggeration that show that not only has Equestria become as bad as "our" world, but also that is had become worst.
And going just a bit further with that would bring back the tone of the story into fiction and make a great payoff.
"Children of the night". It has to be a reference.
I don't understand why you're repeating that idea/message. You already said it sooner in the story. Yes, the contrast of "lucky/unlucky" is a good one and nice to read, but the whole passage felt quite empty.
Another weird effet... I read "unemotionally" and then "Okay, so here you go," and therefore gave an unemotional tone to what CS was saying, which is probably not the intention...
Okay, so the whole chapter is basically about how the world sucks. Still, I sort of hope the dark blue coat mare will be used at some point in the story.
Well, next chapter.
Weil ich liebe dich. Oder "Weil ich dich liebe", es hängt davon ab wo man Deutsch lernt. Ich spinne, es macht keine Unterschied. Ich schreibe nur gern Deutsch.
Way better dialogue than the last one I criticized ^^.
French now? Or is it "petite" another word you tend to incoroporate into english?
Aeres? Is that another name for the moon? Is it in another language again? I only understand french and german...
It still feels kind of rushed for hope to bloom. But it works.
Shouldn't there be a "t" here?
... hum....
I like the mothers in that story :P.
I personnally love those little author's comment that give more depth to a character or, in this case, a relationship.
I have a friend who is like that. Cannot go to the bar without commenting on how the lady server looks. So f***ing annoying and shaming.
You really like german. Or is it a rammstein reference? "Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein"
Too far... but at least, selt insert story sort of confirmed... I guess? Not that it matters in the end.
As said, I like those little comments. It's a personal thing, but I feel it make the story more lively.
5709273
I'm still wondering why she had to be fourteen. Because if they go one step further in their relaltionship, I'll strongly disagree...
Also, I just noticed we have no idea how they came to meet each other. So I'm still hoping for her to be some sort of guardian angel. Or spirit. I know it isn't the case, but it's fun to imagine.
Well done. I mean, I was awaiting for the story to finally go on and now you've set up the rules. They must discover the five first elements to unleash the sixth and use those powers. With a probable twist at the end.
All for it.
Only one problem, I can only remember the butterfly and this new balloons, but I don't know/remember what the third stone was shaped like.
I can only give the advice to use the kid-friendly formulation "You might get hurt" for a character like Celestia.
Reference to the NSA I imagine.
Well, this is kinda weird, but okay, why not. Let's the "action" part begin. Even so I thought there wouldn't be one, which would also have been fine.
You make the whole thing very complicated. I wonder if the show's approach wouldn't have been more efficient, forgetting about realism and just having Celestia send them without explanation, then them having the weirdest impossible plan and the plan working somehow out of luck, cunning and a bit of help from destiny.
Well, so that's how far the story has come. Weird story, one could wonder if a plan was made at the beginning, but with very interesting elements and a lot of risks taken.
It was pleasant to read. I disagree with a lot of the political/economical stuff, but ignored that because I had fun just following the characters through their struggle. The "action" turn of the story felt quite weird. I really thought you would go with a pure slice of life all the way, finding the epicness and hugeness in the little but important things in life, with a slow evolution of the tone of the story.
Glad I took the time to discover it. Very weird, unfinished (I should probably have checked that before beginning to read), but interesting. It was almost like watching another world and that is not only entertaining but enlightening to some extent.
6400548 Well thanks a lot. And about the political stuff, it's not left-wing radicalism. Because in the show Equestrian was still run in pretty much the same system as it is now, but the people themselves have become incredibly detached from each other and superficial. This is happening for a reason that will later become apparent.
6400564 For the second part, it's more of a reference to how he has to deal with bulls hit every day. It's more figurative than literal.
6400481 Ares is Mars is Greek mythology.
6447729 I love you.
6447953 That's okay.
How are you?
6447970 Calm down let's talk.
6448000 So you're reading my blog? Yay! Seriously those stairs feel like a old church it's so cool.
6448000 I wish you could see them. How do you feel about adventure? Did you ever do anything like this when you were in school?
6448023 You're still following me? That's cute. Also, you don't count fucks in percentages retard.
6448044 Well that's okay I'd always assumed you were off my follower list anyways. Also I'm telling everyone that you once said you wanted to sleep with me.
6448071 That's cool. Are you calmed down though or not?
6400143
The beauty of these fictions is that we can take them however we want. Faust created this series, but I don't think we should be held to the ideas she wanted to stick to. The show itself should have kept going the way she had in mind, but to limit the writers of the fiction is to limit the large possibilities of stories and nature within each world.
In our own history, coming of age was as low as whenever a girl gets her first period. Depending on the society they belonged to. They would marry even younger than 13.
I think the aim here was to give an example. Using somebody he may have connected with more than any other. The colt got married and had less time to be able to see his friends. This is something that is very common irl, so I feel this was reasonable.
One thing I gotta say to this story is that it's all too quick. I'd like to know a lot more about these two. Between where they met, which could very well come up in my perspective, their day to day stuff. I'm not feeling like I'm getting enough of their story.
6400233
I can imagine being a parent, suddenly getting a knock at the door. My child is there with a friend, likely haven't heard from the child of mine for a long time. I would be confused, but I wouldn't hesitate to accept them into my home.
Also, 'baby' is a pet name in the US. Like 'love' in Europe.
9252879
I agree to that. I don't know if I was more close-minded three years ago, but I sure agree to that today.
I... am not very aware of the american culture, despite way too many hours watching their news.
9253208
Lol.
I'd imagine people from other cultures would be more likely to hear that term overused in crap music and shows/movies.
We all learn over time. I wouldn't consider it closed minded, as much as I would having taken on a larger perspective.
I know enough German to have been able to figure that out before consulting my app. 🤣
Okay I had to reload this page a few times...
Missing so much potential for character building!
On another note, to add onto your note, life is about love and building happiness with others, but, at the same time, we are, unfortunately, fallen to believe a lot of what we do. We live on our own habits, and a lot of these habits are built around the system. Businesses, brands, religion, etc. Not all bad, but they need to be questioned.
6448026
It's comments like this that make me need to know what deleted comments said.