An Identity Aquired
I was finally able to locate something to reveal my idenity.
My name is Quick Silver, a seventeen year old pegasus. I'm from Cloudsdale and now I have identified my location to be Las Pegasus. My parents are Uranus Shine and Steel Frame. My mother, Uranus was actually an earth pony from Appaloosa and Steel was an older generation of the league of the flyers, The Wonderbolts in Cloudsdale.
Yep, I found my birth certificate. Lucky me... Not.
Frankly, I don't know why I'm here in this weird body. Or where my real body is. I don't care.
I just want to go back.
I'm not sure if its smart to go out of my house. Who knows where I stand in the community... I could be something I don't know anything about being. Or who I'm friends with or who the buck knows, I might even have a coltfriend or something to that extend.
I'm not really sure...
I don't really want to stay in here all day. But I don't know what might happen if I leave.
If I stay here, I'll be bored to death and I might not figure out whats going on.
But if I leave, I could risk my idenity and my pride. Or whatever is on the line there.
I think I'm losing my mind.
Well, there really isn't anything to do here. There isn't even a single real book in here. Just weird comic books like Spike used to read...
Spike...I wish he was here...
Well no books equals no life in my terms, so I don't have anything good for ideas.
Books. I wish I just had books. Books could give me ideas. I miss my library... Where I had every book I needed.
The thought of my tree library home made my heart twinge with sadness.
I miss my home...
Well, I give up. I'm going to go out there and figure out what to do.
And the first stop, is a library!
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Hmm. This is somewhat of a good story.
The concept is interesting, and not too worn out. It is written in a nice way, with very little grammar mistakes. My only quarrel with it would be the lack of a punctuation other then a period. Try variety! Also, take more time to write and try and give more detail. No ones rushing you
You're doing well! I'll continue watching!
Mysterious...
Need MOAR
5078485 Lol
I'm excited to see where this goes. You're the first middle-schooler I've known to write a decent story. Nice work you did. You're gonna go far, kid!
[youtube=5_LxyhCJpsM]
Alright then. I can't say what compelled me to do this, but I guess I just tend to gain an interest in new users for some reason. Anyway, I found the some mistakes in the first "chapter", but lucky you; there's really nothing wrong with your other two "chapters".
Anyway, here's what I got:
Of shouldn't be capitalized in Princess of Friendship.
Nowhere is written as a single word, not separately.
Not a mistake, but I thought this was pretty funny. Perhaps not the best choice of name for a character in a serious fic, since the reader may lose immersion should this be presented to him.
Anyway, regarding the commas... It's not necessarily bad, per se. It's not. You can write without commas. It's really not a mistake. Writing without commas is fine. Still, it might draw away readers. I'd implement the tiresome things if I were you.
You should attempt to learn the usage of commas and other punctuation marks, as it is really rewarding. Writing is a beautiful dance of words and other elements that can be arranged in so many different ways; it's truly magnificent the way a person can express the same thing in so many distinct ways.
Anyway...
Fairly solid all around. Read, study the way others write, and you'll do great. Inspirational things aside, I can see you've already got some experience with writing. It's only a matter of practice, luck, and contacts for you to succeed. Consider this comment as the tutorial message in some shitty videogame. In the wonderful land of Fimfiction friendship truly is magic, as a few good friends with a lot of followers can make sure your stories get plenty of exposure aside from the mere minutes in the front page.
Have a good one.
5102784 Thanks. And tecnically Uranus Shine isn't actually an important character so I just made some shit up for him.
5102812 Not a problem. Best of luck.
A wonderful idea for a story! I would like to make a suggestion, maybe comine all of the chapters into one, or make them all longer? It gets kinda distracting when they are so short.
Finally got to reading this chapter, and all I have to say is: #voteUranusShinebestpony2014
On a serious note, please try to make the chapters longer. It's kinda annoying when a chapter ends so quickly. I should know, I made the same mistake back when I gave a hoot about writing. A good minimum for chapters is one thousand words.
5216895 the thing about that is, I don't have enough ideas to put into one chapter to make it that long.
5217483 You could always just wait until you have enough ideas instead of what you're currently doing. It'd take more time, sure, but I think it would be better. :P
5218256 I have no new ideas. Plus I have too much school work to work on anything anymore. I'm failing math