A dream demon. A creature able to force any being into a world where their worst dreams are made real. They have been all but exterminated, banished to pits of Tartarus.
Except for one, it seems.
Celestia and the Elements of Harmony have been captured by one such demon and Luna now must brave the twisted, warped world if she wishes to save those close to her heart. But can she survive this new world or will she enter a dream that will never end?
Teen for now, but it might change in the future. The sex tag for references done to the main character
Chapters (4)
Interesting premise.
Starting in media res isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you might want to build a tiny bit so that we're not completely in the dark here. Maybe have a short flash of action or something to get an idea of what this demon can do? Or just to lead to Luna's pursuit? Why is Discord there? When did Luna find out about this? How has she tracked the demon down? How did she plan to deal with him? Etc...
You also want to give a better picture of the surroundings, you said it was a cavern, okay. Is this cavern a vast yawning maw stretching on to the abyss? Or perhaps a winding labyrinth of blackness? Maybe it's a hideous scar in the landscape carved by the demon in it's flight? Perhaps a stalactite and stalagmite festooned network of natural tunnels long abandoned/condemned as haunted or something?
As to the demon- I won't tell you how to write your story, it's yours. But if this being is capable of keeping Celestia and the EoH bound and isolated, how is Discord able to just run up and hit it with a hammer to almost kill it? Surely Celestia could have handled something like this? Maybe imply the demon was weakened in a fight with Celestia?
Of course, if this is all explained later I humbly apologize, but if you want readers you really need a good hook to draw them in. First impressions are everything, and it's what makes or breaks a story for someone on the fence about spending their time reading it.
5001979 Thank you for this and I will do my best to address each of your questions.
The depth of the demon's potential power will be further developed as we go on, but you are right. The opening scene can and should be expanded upon. My main thought was to simply set up the scene but I can see a few things I can add now.
The same above applies to this question so I will not repeat myself.
The demon, I think I have a few ideas to improve on here, but for Discord portion, the demon was caught off guard as well as attacked by something far more powerful than it.
Thank you for this, and I hope the next few chapters explain a bit more.
5001979 I did a simple rewrite of it, the first chapter. Care to look if it explains things better?
5003532 I see, and that does make a lot of sense.
I know, I know. Have any suggestions for this story?
Well that certainly escalated.
Interesting, interesting. I do love alternate realities where characters personalities are turned on their heads. I like that it's a dream here because of how harsh it is. I don't like seeing characters I know and love go through so much torture, so knowing it's not real helps. Not sure I could read it if it were actually an alternate reality. I'm guessing that the 'her' Schortching Armor is referring to is Cadence.
7872063 I will need to come back to this and you have good guesses, my friend
Even though I don't remember this fic much, you've managed to hook me once again. You're very good at that.
8618897
Thanks; we try!
8618917
We?
8618919
Anon and myself.