A momentous historical occasion arrives at Twilight's doorstep: The missing Griffon Sun Opal has been discovered! Celestia plans to return the gem to the rightful owners, the griffon kings and tasks Twilight to organize a gala in their honor. Everything seems be running smoothly until disaster strikes: The jewel is stolen! Twilight will find an unlikely ally to unravel the mystery of the theft.
The story is a re-imagining of Agatha Christie's “The Jewel Robbery at the Grand Metropolitan”
In canon with MayorofEquestria's "Trottin' On Sunshine".
Many, many thanks to the fantastic Missangest for that gorgeous cover image!
Chapters (4)
So I stumbled across this by chance and I plan to read the whole thing, so let's make this a good review, chapter-by-chapter.
Corrections / suggestions:
"... the all-important Grand Griffon Gala.
Glancing at the Great Hall around her one last time, she took the list from Spike, lifted a quill with magic and crossed off..."
The line-break seems unnecessary.
"Two Weeks Ago"
“Twilight Sparkle, thank you for..."
I'd centre the time and give a line break.
"... the homonymous hamlet..."
Capital letters for place name,
"... a little awkward looks."
NEVER use "a" when talking in the plural. "Somewhat" is a much better fit.
"Celestia and I will pay visit to the Griffon Kingdom in the first half of the festivities to take place in High Rock, the griffon capital,”
So perhaps you want to us "Celestia and I will visit the Griffon Kingdom's capital High Rock for the first half of the festivities,"
"He’d gotten tangled in the first draft and ended up looking like a mummy, trying to carry it."
Adding again that Spike was trying to carry the draft is not required. Perhaps: "The first draft of everything Twilight thought she'd need almost mummified Spike when he tripped while carrying it."
"Hasn’t he a smelting workshop?"
That's more Rarity's style of speaking than Spike's.
“What’s Crazy Quills doing in Canterlot?”
This is a third-person inquiry and most people ask it of the person in question if they are in earshot.
“Oh good!” Twilight said happily. “There’s another two stacks. I think if we work methodically we should get through it by tomorrow.” She complimented the relieved sigh with a gesture to the table where another two sizeable stacks of cards were tidily waiting."
Unless the character's words are contradicted by something's appearance, you don't need to repeat them with the description.
"Crazy Quills froze and stared at Twilight Sparkle, then at Spike, who shrugged, then..."
So, you over-use commas here, and I know how tempting that can be. Still this is better handled by: "Crazy Quills froze, staring. She stared at Twilight Sparkle. She stared at the stacks. She stared at the shrugging dragon before conveying a weary sigh and a stern expression towards Twiligt."
“I was trying to tell you the same!” Spike huffed.
Hokay, I get it. You re-badged Rarity's dialouge as Spike's, yet you still need to proof-read it for consistency.
So, I think you have GREAT potential so far and you will definitely get better as you've already got better grammar and spelling than many of the featured authors. When you blend the descriptions and dialouge without repeating anything you're on a winner.
A.G.
4967525
I'll get right to fixin' those niggles.
<3 Can I just say how much I love you for doing a proper review, mate? Just sayin'.
Let's look at the 2nd chapter.
Corrections / suggestions:
"... since I was in school,” she said."
Easy trap to fall into. You use "She" when both characters in a conversation are female.
"Anything that was going to go wrong has already done that and I’ve solved it."
I'd say "handled" rather than solved since 1) we don't want to forshadow a mystery too much, and 2) When things go right or wrong they are seen and compensated for. Perhaps the better phrasing would be "Only one thing has gone wrong and I've already gotten around that."
"And, I’d be happy of you and Codex and Sunny came to the Gala as my guests."
1) "IF you and" and 2) NEVER start a sentence with "AND".
"Let’s go, I wonder..."
Full stop after "go".
"... on a ladder to do the ceiling trims, heehee,”
Full stop after "trims". Also it's clearer to say that she started giggling.
"I know how things tend to go so I insisted the guards step it up for the duration of the celebrations just in case…”
Uh, this is a reference to the episode "The Best Night Ever", yes? Otherwise the only other precedent for extra security was "A Royal Canterlot Wedding".
"... pillars, magically maintained fresh by the florist ponies..."
I think "... kept fresh by magical stasis ..." works better.
“No, no, more to the right! Your other right, Codex!! That’s why I sent you up the ladder, so you can see what you’re doing!”
It'd help to know if that's Rarity or not, and if you recall the episode "Green isn't Your Colour" you know she doesn't yell at others, though you need to differentiate her raising her voice to be heard from the bottom of a ladder and her getting irritated, even if it's after the fact.
"Fortunately for the decorations’ progress, Twilight and Quills arrived."
You already established that they arrived, so perhaps swapping that with "spoke up" works better?
"... do you think we could get to see the Griffon Sun Opal?” Rarity said suddenly, sidling up..."
Rarity asked, not said. "Said" implies a statement, not an inquiry.
“I do hope nothing happened to her…”
If you pause with the full intent of saying more, then the triple full stop. For Fluttershy's quiet voice a simple comma at the end of the sentence is what is needed.
The two paragraphs that depict Fluttershy losing grip on Codex and Quills saving him can be amalgamated as they feel like they are repeating things.
"Rarity shook her head vigorously and looked around in disbelief."
Using "and" between those actions makes it sound like she's doing them at the same time. As that would be impossible, might I suggest wording it as: "Rarity looked about hastily in disbelief."
“You can count on me, darling,”
Though Rarity's supposedly "serious and stern", the phrasing doesn't match it. Perhaps "I shall see to this Twilight." commands more althority?
"... that played part in the drama standing right across it."
"Played part" should be "played such a part" yes? Otherwise replace "played" with "took", and that's an awkward use of a past tense.
“And I should hope not!”
She hoped she DIDN'T have a well-maintained mane? Context doesn't match there. o.O
"... sat in a silver setting shamed like a pair of elegant griffon..."
I think you mean "shaped" not "shamed".
Fluttershy sighed. “Alright, if you say so…”
Once again, the comma instead of the tripple full stop.
"Twilight, don’t get me wrong. I just worry that somepony is taking advantage of the general excitement to cause mischief."
That's one sentence, though you want to show her changing verbal targets from Codex to Twilight.
Personal note:
Great ending to the chapter, and a brilliant hook. Hope this has helped you, and I'm sorry for the review's delay. ^.^;
A.G.
4981367 Don't worry at all about delays :) Life comes first.
Anyway, again, thank you so much for taking the time! I'll get right to editing. :) I'm glad the story's keeping your interest
Let's look at the 3rd chapter.
Corrections / suggestions:
"and picked up with magic a piece of paper she stepped on."
this sentence structure kinda throws the reader. Perhaps re-word it to: "Peach said kindly, levitating some paper she stepped on."?
"I’m kind of busy helping Twilight Sparkle with the Gala right now, so I’ll be happy to sign your book after that."
I'd lose the "so" and replace it with a "then" because it sounds like being busy is what will make her happy to sign.
"the other one scolded, pushing him over to pick up a piece of paper from under his hoof."
I think a royal guard would show more class than to topple one of his fellows. Perhaps "gesturing him aside to..." works better.
“Indeed. Well, I’ve kept you long enough. Thanks again, gents. Come on Codex! To the Library, we’ve got work to do!”
Quills herded Codex downstairs and eventually into the Library. Hurriedly, she grabbed a piece of paper and a quill and frantically wrote on it.
Needs a line-break.
Personal notes:
VERY impressive! I was more than half-way finished before I found anything to quibble over, and the hook for the next chapter was good too.
Now, on an unrelated note could you imagine Crazy Quills in this sort of pose?
rosiepowell2000.typepad.com/.a/6a00e5500c8a2a8833014e60d80bb6970c-800wi
There's no particular reason I'm asking, I'm just curious. o.-
Next chapter when I have the time.
A.G.
Let's look at the 4th chapter.
Corrections / suggestions:
"So he just took the Opal out at his leisure and just waited."
Unless using the repitition of "just" as a rhetorical device, perhaps substituting the second with the word "simply" works better.
"Quills giggled and sipped her rum cola."
Given that her laughter gets more intense you may want to add that she'd only started giggling OR you want want to add a description of it intensifying.
"And you did a great job."
Sentence begining with "and".
Either I'm getting worse or you're getting better. *Looks at you hard.* Also I'm gonna PM you. ^.-
A.G.
4984541
Wow, I'm glad to hear that my proofreading did work at some level, hehehe. Thank you again ^_^ I did the corrections so far and they have really helped.
As for Quills in that pose... maybe not exactly, as her butt is pretty big (it's going to be a running gag) and I don't think it's fair to the poor mare to make it such a focus.
But perhaps in something similar. And I hope to be able to show off her partners more in a future mystery. Because every good investigator is nothing without their assistants!
4985213 Yaaaaaay, improvement! Success!
Wonder if it was "making her big brother into a fan of that game(which apparently the Equestrian version of D&D is "Oubliettes and Ogres""
5010402
XD No, actually Codex works for the company that makes Warhoof 40k. But he plays O&O with Quills (her bard drives him nuts). XD
...But I'm totally going to pitch that to Codex's creator :D
Mystery stories are horrendously hard to stumble across on fimfic. Thanks a lot for writing one that's short and fun. I can recognize Christie's plot twists in there just by looking at it (and I haven't read enough of those either).
Only thing I'd try to improve would be the beginning, which was quite dry and took a long time to get really going, as well as using terms like 'peach unicorn', making it a bit more difficult to follow who's who (especially in a more OC heavy story... not that I mind that, of course).
In short, I enjoyed this a lot, and it's certainly a better first pony-story than my own first attempt. I'd very much enjoy seeing more mystery in the future.
And finished!
Great read 