Ivanhoe Mane finds himself waking up on the train as it stops at his destination: Ponyville. With only his bag to his name and a mysterious note advising him to come to this seemingly pleasant little town, he is unsure whether there is a deeper mystery here, or if it's just an excuse for a vacation. Soon, however, terrible things are starting to happen to Ponyville and its inhabitants. Ivanhoe finds himself and some of the kind locals in the middle of an adventure where he is constantly drawn towards finding the only things that can stop this calamity not only threatening Ponyville, but the entire world.
***
The first, and by far worst story I've written for the public. Be warned! Even without taking into account my flawed writing style, the poorly handled OCs, Out-of-character moments and general clichés should be enough to make you want to avoid it. Still, it's always fun to write, and I'm not going to just remove old stuff because I'm trying to grow away from it. It has some neat ideas, though, some of which would have been better suited for a story unrelated to FIM.
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471141 Alright, that wasn't very constructive, but I'm still sort of psyched about it because that was my first "first" ever.
*looks at the attention this story has gotten*
That's... kinda sad. OK first off: I really like where this is going. Even by the first chapter I can feel that there's something brewing on the horizon.
Though it's also my job to point out flaws in this, so here's some constructive criticism:
First off: This is treading dangerously close to the infamous wall 'o text. Add that the pacing is somewhat rushed, and you feel like everything is messy.
Ivanhoe seems like an interesting character, yet we never really got to know him (probably later in the story, but for the first chapter, that's usually important) and his responses feels a bit... "off" sometimes.
Though you have a really good story going with the whole "hints" thing, and I'll gladly read the rest of this!
Bless your step.
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-Glassed
Damn... this is getting GOOD! Why doesn't this have more view than it does?
*looks at the clock*
Damn, its getting late and I have finals tomorrow...
Oh well, I'll take the last few chapters tomorrow then.
Ta-ta!
-Glassed
670512 Thank you very much for your criticism
. I'm also glad you're enjoying the start of the story. And you're right. I'm pretty new to writing that paces itself, but I'm still learning.
on my phone, only the first five chapters appear, so like there is something terribly terribly wrong, i want to read the last chapter but on all three inernet browsers on my phone, it doesnt exist
1747748 Don't worry, it was just poorly edited, so I unpublished most of the chapters. I'm currently editing them right now. They will be up again soon enough, please be patient.
thank you, i was just seriously worried that something happend to my phone, like some update had made the chapters impossible to read or somethin
thank you, I already read everything but the last chapter and i thought it was exelent reading last chapter now...
amazin'
I came across this randomly (literally so: I was using a random number generator to pick a story to read!) and it was quite an interesting experience. It does have its problems, eg Spike's dialogue being rather unconvincing at times, and the Derpy voice subplot is just weird. (And makes the fic show its age.) But the underlying story is good and I did enjoy the twists near the end.