Part One of the In the Hour Glass Series
A long ago King Sombra appeared and ruled over the Crystal Empire with an Iron Hoof. So why did he not use the power of the Crystal Heart? That is a story of a pony, one that will come to light. Over a thousand years passed and the light of the Crystal Heart grows dim. Twilight Sparkle and her friends will soon discover not just the pony but powers, heroes, and evils long forgotten. Spike finds the only remaining Firstborn Dragon and discovers more about the ancient dragons from her.
Regret. Anger. Sadness. The desire to consume all things into darkness. All things shall come forward and war threatens to engulf Equestria in shadow.
This is still 1000 Years: Aqua Star, just a different name.
May 29, 2020: This is currently going through another update so some chapters will not be the same as they used to be.
You need to talk to your proof reader. Celestia, Cadence, the Mane 6 are all flat. Also the thoughts you gave them do not gel with the show or comic. The most interesting and fully alive is Sombra and Aqua, but I think that is because both are essentially your own creation.
You really need a proof reader more focused on content rather than grammar or have someone work with you on it.
The concept is great and truly believable. I could see it as a story arc but the problems I pointed out have to be fixed. Good luck
To ladyarcana,
I'm sorry, I don't have a proof reader. I've been trying to work on this on my own so I don't catch most of the mistakes made. I really am sorry.
Were those Aqua Stars parents ? Also will we be seeing more of Sombra soon.
great story so far hope u finish this soon
Um. Equestria is older than a thousand years. Need to fix that.
Ok this chapter is suffering from a terrible case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. There is no reason to freaking write people talking as their description when it's an easy assumption every likely reader will know who the original white unicorn is. This then causes problems later on when i accidently confused one white unicorn (Rarity) for the other white unicorn (Shining Armor). This is why you don't see stories talking about the "insert vague descriptor here." We invented the use of names for a reason.
I hope they can find away to revive Aqua Star.
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I agree, the flaw in this tale lies not in the heart of the story but in the telling. A story must be more than stated facts and scattered elements of the tale: it must be spun and woven together, with the breath of life given to each character that they may lift from the page and gift that life in turn to the reader's imagination. Part of this breath of life is understanding of the characters -- to know them utterly. This understanding allows the author to write not merely the actions as if spoken by a youngling, but to express these characters in their words, their actions, and their reactions.
The author in this case appears to be capable of this with his or her own work, but when it comes to others, they lack in depth and understanding -- carrying largely upon the preconceptions of the reader.
Still, don't give up. The spark is there but it lacks in the experience and effort to nurture it.
That last part...the feels
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Thanks for pointing that out, fixed it!
If the main OCs in this story series were voiced, what would they sound like?
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Aqua Star: Solemn, quiet, and stern. When stressed it strains to keep herself under control. Her tone is normally deep but not masculine.
Midnight Sun- Sarcastic, he doesn't want to be there. If there was a voice actor I would say Richard Armitage
Comet: He sounds uninterested in everything that happens around him, preferring to hide his emotions.
Aurora- Her voice would be loud, clear, booming, but overall feminine and modulated so ponies don't cover their ears.
Inkwell: His voice would be very tremulous, he gets nervous easily so his voice wavers. If there was a voice actor for him I would say Martin Freeman.
The Crystal Heart: Combination of many voices but has a clear ringing behind it.
The Tree of Harmony: Combination of many voices but with a humming mixed in.
Gryph: Pleasant, low voice, almost gravelly.
For the second part...
Lethoras: High pitched and hyper until he loses it and drops to his normal low tone.
The Guardian: Distant and feminine.
Maple: Higher tone of the female range, tries to talk slowly but fails.
Raven: Gravelly and low, alto.
DurgUa: Dark, harsh, quieter, baritone. Benedict Cumberbatch
Gears: Has a "Matter of fact" voice.
Moonlight Wisp: Like Inkwell tremulous, she is also rather quiet.
Hades: I would have him voiced by Jeremy Irons. Sarcastic, doesn't give a crap, and tries to sound uninterested.
Abyssia: Guttural, dark, and cruel. The only way to describes how she sounds.
Why do you ask?
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I meant in terms of voice actors. As for why, it's because I narrate the characters voices in my head when I read.
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Ohhhh that makes more sense. Well then
Aqua Star: Catherine Taber
Sombra: Alvin Sanders
Midnight Sun: Matt Lanter
Comet: Taylor Gray
Aurora: Kath Soucie
Inkwell: Matthew Wood
The Crystal Heart: Adrienne Wilkinson
The Tree of Harmony: A mix of Olivia D'Abo and Tom Kane
Gryph: Jim Cummings
Lethoras: Jon Curry
The Guardian: Mary Jane Wells
Maple: Ashley Eckstein
Raven: Tara Strong
DurgUa: Jason Isaacs
Gears: Georgina Cordova
Moonlight Wisp: Olivia Hack
Hades: Lars Mikkelson
Abyssia: Barbara Goodson