On her quest for her destiny, Applejack, a small country filly heads out to the big city. But if her destiny truly lied in Manehatten, a future will unfold
that nopony could have predicted.
Not my cover art!
Chapters (1)
TheFanficFanPony
Joined 16th Jun, 2014 ·
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Moar!!!!!!
4890087
I will! Thanks for the fave!!!
Yay
The idea here is interesting, but there are a number of technical issues, and the dialogue feels stiff. One particular line that really stands out is Applejack saying "Hello, I am Apple Jewel," which makes her sound like a robot. A small child in an unfamiliar setting attempting to pronounce things using a specific dialect is probably going to say something closer to "H-hello, I'm Apple Jewel."
Another really odd one is "Well, let us go to the party!" Even though "let's" is a contraction of "let us", absolutely no one ever actually says "Let us go to", it's always "Let's go to", baring a few very rare exceptions.
Said tags should be short. This should be an action tag instead: "Smoke Stack, the train conductor, ushered a hoard of ponies out, before welcoming even more ponies aboard."
If you look carefully in my edit above, you will notice I replaced "many" with "a hoard". This is a classic example of Show, Don't Tell. Instead of telling me there's a lot of ponies, show me there are a lot of ponies.
I would write this as "down in a line, with Applejack in between", because it flows better. Try reading your story out loud and see if flows off the tongue nicely. If you find yourself subconsciously inserting words or stumbling over the dialogue, you should probably rewrite it so it feels more natural. Written language was invented after spoken language, and should always strive to imitate speech.
This is another Show, Don't Tell issue. You shouldn't need to TELL us that applejack found it pretty. You should use applejack's body language and behavior to communicate it. Try to imagine yourself describing a scene in a movie. Movies almost never have narrators that can tell us what the characters are doing, they have to demonstrate it to us through actions and behavior. If you find yourself describing a character's mood, try instead to imagine what they would be doing in a movie scene. Would they be hunched over, pouting, perhaps batting at their bangs in boredom? Would they be tensed up, a hoof raised in trepidation as their eyes jerk side to side? Reading "She was scared" is not nearly as entertaining as "Her heart pounded in her chest, and sweat glistened on her brow. The only sound in the forest was her own, ragged breaths as she crouched in terror beneath the great castle."
I suggest reading the Writer's Guide, because it touches on a lot of this stuff.
4890822
Thanks for the advice!
Everypony, I have edited the story a bit, but the plot is still the same. Just a few grammatical things and the like.
Oh hoh! This is interesting! I always wondered if maybe some part of Applejack did want to stay in Maneatten, and that was why her relationship with Rarity was so strained (living how she subconsciously wanted to live). I'm following this now, so you BETTER continue.
Or else...
4958097
I am! I pinkie promise!
Hmmm, I really like this, because you never get to see an exploration of what this time period was like for Applejack... why was she so sad? She seemed to really like living in the big city and being sophisticated and acting all feminine... what was the deciding factor that made her what to run back to the farm so bad, and later rebel against anything 'fru-fru'? I really don't think it was that little conversation at dinner with those rich snobs! Anyway, I can't wait to see where you take this, as there are so few stories covering AJ's fillyhood in Manehatten.
5188495
Well, this technically is a what if type story, like if she liked Manehatten, what would her destiny and personality be like? Would she go back to the farm?
5188531
my mistake!
oppssssss, sorry!
5188543
It's OK!
Im looking forward to June when you update this! Otherwise, I'll be writing my own version to satisfy my need for MOREEEEEEE!!!!
Oh that was super great!!
Hope you continue sometime! Been nearly 3 years!
I know you probably won’t see this comment, but I really wanted to say it anyway. I really love this story even if it’s incomplete. The concept is cool, the writing is good. It’s a truly great story. And though it probably won’t happen, I would absolutely be ecstatic if this story was to ever be continued. But what I mainly care about is knowing if your doing well. Have a wonderful day and weekend