Some asshole who will write stories that are the opposite of the common take of the subject. And who also says "mate" a lot.
The portal was...beautiful, to say the least. It whispered promises of happiness, promises of love.
It spoke of bright colours, of friends beyond counting, of warm homes, and of large families.
But it lied. It lied to me, and I couldn't see through those lies. It took me from what I love. It took me from my life.
I should never have opened it.
I should never have entered it.
This is an experiment on my part. Plus, after reading many HiE's and PoE's, I felt that this was needed.
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I really like the style, but it obviously wouldn't work if more than the two characters are talking, at least not in the usual way since unless the perspective narrator mentions who is always talking when there are 3 or more, things would get confusing. Consider this if there are scenes with more people, if not, you are fine. It seems you are focused on the thoughts of the characters (so no descriptions of the scene unless they would mentally say it) which can work to your advantage since you can leave more to the reader's imagination. A fun thing might be to have Twilight have the educated scholar style of scanning things and Jay... well, we have yet to see Jay's character, but having a personality that contrasts would be nice. Stereotype ways might be the artists who see beauty in all or the people person who sees emotional data like shifts in conversation or subtle changes of the face to see if people are upset or happy. Maybe even just not being as perspective as Twilight might be another. I don't know if you intended this, but the echo of "Something big. I personally think, because of it's size, that we're on a moon" made me think of this.
You know, I'm making a mental to use this style in future, I never have and now analysing it for pros and cons shows how much fun it must be to write to tell a narrative. Moving on.
I like the concept, it might be interesting to see how you develop it. Nothing more to be said since I don't know the plot line.
The humour was good, made me chuckle which was strange. Maybe it is because I'm sleep deprived. The introduction was good, but is the tone going to stay "Silly"? These 2 people seemed to get started at getting the basic survival supplies very fast. I liked it, but if it is going to get serious quickly, keep this chapter in mind. People reading this for the first time will notice if the tone shifts quickly from first to say fourth chapter. It might seem out of place compared to what will come.
I would very much enjoy seeing where this goes, um if it's not to much trouble?
You know, the Big Bad here made the mistake of his/her/it's life
And now commenting once again here, if you aren't dead I would like to see were this is going, however the coloring of the names off puts me and breaks the suspension of unbelief
6121154
I'm not dead, just burned out.
I've been struggling with ideas on how to continue, how to make flashbacks work, that stuff.
And, as I said in the description, the coloured speech is just an experiment. I'll probably write a different version with normal dialogue, but it won't be for some time, most likely.
ARE you still writing this story?
Yes you should writing this story