Hey. Hey guys! I have an idea! Lets wage war against the being who moves celestial bodies! and her sister too! .......BRILLIANT. ---- erm. isn't kidnapping a diplomat basically an act of war in and of itself.....? (and I hope that mature rating doesn't deal with torture of a certain type....you probably know what I mean here.)
6699703 Actually, I don't know what form you specifically mean, so if you wish to message me in private, or be more specific here, I can answer your question. Actually, you may want to do so in private, so no spoilers are revealed.
Wow. This chapter in particular is sloppily written, with jumping between past and present tense, bad capitalization, and plenty of other grammatical mistakes. As for the "action", it flows jerkily and occurs so rapidly that there really is no sense of scale. The sudden change from fairly in keeping with canon to outright bloodshed and swearing feels jarring, as does the strange integration of backrounders into different roles than we know they hold, especially the Octavia being Spitfire's mother for some reason. That would be a strange choice in the best of times, and this fic doesn't have the level of writing necessary to push through such choices with grace.
6700162 this could have been a better review if you have given examples, or offered suggestions on how to improve. That would be referred to as constructive criticism.
She had no more time to think of Spike when she slammed hard into the front wall of the train car, landing on her wing and snapping one of the bones in the process. Immediately following her impact with the wall, Fleetfoot impacts with her, dislocating her shoulder. Twilight screamed out in pain, almost passing out from the shock of her injuries
With the knowledge that she is alive, their top priority became securing the area so that she may be kept safe.
“We’ll find him, Princess. Don’t worry,” the Pegasus tells her reassuringly.
His report was interrupted by a warning cry of incoming, and everypony who was able took whatever cover they could find.
(You should probably have quotes here.)
I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE IS!” Twilight cried out in desperation and pain.
(You missed the opening quote on Twilight's statement.)
She is allowed to reach a nearly standing position before the Major drew back a fist and punched her in her broken wing.
Hey.
Hey guys!
I have an idea!
Lets wage war against the being who moves celestial bodies!
and her sister too!
.......BRILLIANT.
----
erm. isn't kidnapping a diplomat basically an act of war in and of itself.....?
(and I hope that mature rating doesn't deal with torture of a certain type....you probably know what I mean here.)
6699703 Actually, I don't know what form you specifically mean, so if you wish to message me in private, or be more specific here, I can answer your question.
Actually, you may want to do so in private, so no spoilers are revealed.
Wow. This chapter in particular is sloppily written, with jumping between past and present tense, bad capitalization, and plenty of other grammatical mistakes. As for the "action", it flows jerkily and occurs so rapidly that there really is no sense of scale. The sudden change from fairly in keeping with canon to outright bloodshed and swearing feels jarring, as does the strange integration of backrounders into different roles than we know they hold, especially the Octavia being Spitfire's mother for some reason. That would be a strange choice in the best of times, and this fic doesn't have the level of writing necessary to push through such choices with grace.
6700162 this could have been a better review if you have given examples, or offered suggestions on how to improve. That would be referred to as constructive criticism.
when they get twilight back celestia is going on a murder spree
...Jeezus.
6701657 the griffins know not what they have wrought
6701748
They do not.
BTW, you mixed present/past verb tenses in some of your scenes. You might want to work on that.
6701757 can you point out where? That would be helpful
6701783
(You should probably have quotes here.)
(You missed the opening quote on Twilight's statement.)
6702413 Thank you. THAT is the constructive comment I appreciate. (also an example of why I wish to have a full editing team)
btw, the last few paragraphs of this chapter is full bold. Not sure if you meant to do that or not.
6710914 DAMNIT!!!! I thought I fixed that!!! Must have missed closing the coding there
Thank you
6710914 FIxed. Thank you again.
Noo Fleetfoot I'm gonna go cry now