A few thoughts: Zero pity for spitfire at this point. Mr. Ironbeak is a genius. Piss off the nation whose leader can raise and lower the celestial bodies. BRILLIANT!
5195499 Yeah, but messing with the Sun and Moon like that would also effect her ponies... Also, if she fears that Twilight will be harmed, or even killed, she will be VERY reluctant to go in and save her.
They do forget that not only has Celestia shown the resolve to do what is needed, no matter how much it kills her on the inside, she has been around thousands of years and has dealt with a good number of foes that were much craftier than he is.
He does have smarts, but not enough to realize that he has greatly underestimated his opponent.
Okay, razor beak is an idiot. There is still the matter of other nations that recognize CE as an independent state, these countries may not give a damn about purplesmart. There is also the obvious issue of vengeance, twily has political power now and may not be so happy when she gets back; I imagine a war much like ww2, where liberation turns into a takeover and dismantling of the invading nation.
There were a few places I noticed the text briefly slip into present tense (unfortunately I was text-to-speech listening to it and failed to note where), but other than that I'm definitely enjoying this.
5241324 That is one of my big weaknesses, staying consistent with tense usage. Common among dyslexic people, I understand. Taken years to get to where I can keep it under wraps usually, but it still slips past now and then. Pisses me off when it does happen, too.
An interesting story so far, and I like that we've got both some interpersonal drama as well as the set up for a more epic external problem. Looking forward to the next chapters!
This is looking interesting and while I am used to longer chapters and each individual characters' scenes are somewhat too short, there's the minimum amount I need to establish emotions and character and plot development.
Enjoyed this story so far. I like the personality you've put together for Soarin'. He's a little more mature here. I dislike how many authors stay so close to the canon goofy demeanor from the show or just make Soarin' a door mat. Always good to see another SoarinFire story as well. And though we haven't gotten to it yet, the description of the plot sounds very interesting. Putting Soarin' and Spitfire on a rescue team and forcing them to work together in light of the history between them should make for some tense moments. I look forward to following the two of them in future chapters.
6669337 Eventually, I shall have a full editing team going over the whole fic, and it will be re-written to correct any deficiencies, such as tense usage, grammar, ect. There is one huge reason I want this gone over by a good team of proofreaders/editors. This is the fic that I wish to use to follow in the footsteps of Pen Stroke, Kkat, Silentbelle, and very soon, Changar Cordath. I wish to have this fic printed as a book.
I am glad that you approve of the story, and I do hope that once the story is completed, you will be most pleased with what I have written.
This just may be my own opinion as well, but the language didn't sit very well either. Now, I'm completely fine with salty dialogue if the story warrants it (if you've ever seen Black Lagoon...whoo boy), but I got the impression that the swearing here was only put in to give a more serious or "edgy" feel to it. I figure it could be scaled back, and you still can give the tone you want to portray. As a bonus, if you limit the cussing, it makes in much more effective and powerful when you do have it in dialogue. But the impact seems to lessen if it's commonplace throughout the story.
Examples, please, so I can know exactly what you are talking about. I do have a purpose for things, and any chance to improve the story, the better the end product can be.
6669337 Also, here is a sneak peek at what will come up near the end...
The battle had only just begun, though. Over the rise across the valley, a large formation of Griffins appeared. This was it. It was no patrol, or even a platoon this time. It was a Griffin batallion coming down upon them. Nearly five hundred Griffins, all fresh and eager for their blood.
First Sergeant Silverwing simply extended his hoof blades, and pulled out his spear, setting it in his wing for him to carry. “Mares and gentlecolts, prepare to defend yourselves!”
Ten ponies of Equestria’s Royal Guard stood before the advance of the Griffin battalion. Five hundred seasoned fighters, all armed with bows and daggers, on top of their razor sharp talons and beaks, which could tear through flesh just as easily as a blade or broadhead. The Griffins knew it was over for the Equestrian platoon they had been searching for, and they walked down the side of the hill into the valley, confident and prideful. There was no rush to them. Only an assured pace as they held their formations as they crested the hill and advanced into the valley proper. Upon reaching the bottom of the hill, the battalion spread out. They formation formed up three companies across, with smaller divisions for the individual platoons within each company. With a signal from their Colonel, they marched forward once again.
The mares and stallions under Dusty’s command were the finest warriors he had ever known. Following the lead of the First Sergeant, everypony clicked their hoof blades open and grabbed a spear, the Unicorns holding theirs in their magic, the Pegasi had theirs tucked into a wing, and the Earth Ponies tucked it into their armor with the points forward towards the enemy. If they were to dine in Tartarus this evening, then they would show up to the table as the family they were, and they would show up covered in the blood of their enemies.
Under a minute now, and then the Griffins would be right on top of them. But Royal Guard do not stand still and wait to be slaughtered like cattle the Griffins mistakenly thought of them as. The Royal Guard would fight to the last. From Corporal Dancing dead came forth their battle cry. “FOR EQUESTRIA!!!” And they charged forward to meet their fate as lions, and not sheep.
Missing a word there, you think?
5192854 Right in the description, too... Thank you. Will correct that now
[youtube=AuJqJ7j7HVY]
5192939 Flashback 80's
quickmeme.com/img/3a/3ac67e34497632c44e9ecccb8a8912b9b551a9cd134a9a9f24975e414c36161d.jpg
I like this so far. But, ah why is chapter two "Chapter 2" while one is "Chapter One"?
You can get that in Los Pegasus for around 100 bits
Sounds interesting. I'll have to give it a try.
5193017 LMAO!!! Sounds expensive... I AM SO THERE!
5193018 Wow... you live up to your name. That was FAST.
I really need to read this one. Top of priority list.
5193297 I do hope that you'll enjoy it
5193305
I'll be sure to let you know.
Hmmmmmmm.
Do continue....I am interested in this....
A few thoughts:
Zero pity for spitfire at this point.
Mr. Ironbeak is a genius. Piss off the nation whose leader can raise and lower the celestial bodies. BRILLIANT!
5195499 Yeah, but messing with the Sun and Moon like that would also effect her ponies...
Also, if she fears that Twilight will be harmed, or even killed, she will be VERY reluctant to go in and save her.
They do forget that not only has Celestia shown the resolve to do what is needed, no matter how much it kills her on the inside, she has been around thousands of years and has dealt with a good number of foes that were much craftier than he is.
He does have smarts, but not enough to realize that he has greatly underestimated his opponent.
Okay, razor beak is an idiot. There is still the matter of other nations that recognize CE as an independent state, these countries may not give a damn about purplesmart. There is also the obvious issue of vengeance, twily has political power now and may not be so happy when she gets back; I imagine a war much like ww2, where liberation turns into a takeover and dismantling of the invading nation.
5197367 Razorbeak is crafty... just that he underestimates his opponents.
clever griffins and their crafty ways. please continue.
Looking good.
There were a few places I noticed the text briefly slip into present tense (unfortunately I was text-to-speech listening to it and failed to note where), but other than that I'm definitely enjoying this.
5241324 That is one of my big weaknesses, staying consistent with tense usage. Common among dyslexic people, I understand. Taken years to get to where I can keep it under wraps usually, but it still slips past now and then. Pisses me off when it does happen, too.
An interesting story so far, and I like that we've got both some interpersonal drama as well as the set up for a more epic external problem. Looking forward to the next chapters!
5294833 Hit a brick wall working on the next chapter... chisiling away at that said wall though
This is looking interesting and while I am used to longer chapters and each individual characters' scenes are somewhat too short, there's the minimum amount I need to establish emotions and character and plot development.
Enjoyed this story so far. I like the personality you've put together for Soarin'. He's a little more mature here. I dislike how many authors stay so close to the canon goofy demeanor from the show or just make Soarin' a door mat. Always good to see another SoarinFire story as well. And though we haven't gotten to it yet, the description of the plot sounds very interesting. Putting Soarin' and Spitfire on a rescue team and forcing them to work together in light of the history between them should make for some tense moments. I look forward to following the two of them in future chapters.
6634847 Yes. I am currently up to Chapter 8 in my Gdocs. I want to get the 50k words in first and foremost, then I will start editing chapters for posting.
So...
webtrax.hu/myfacewhen/faces/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic/soon-sweetie-belle.jpg
6635226 lol for NaNo? Yeah, it is
6669337
Eventually, I shall have a full editing team going over the whole fic, and it will be re-written to correct any deficiencies, such as tense usage, grammar, ect. There is one huge reason I want this gone over by a good team of proofreaders/editors. This is the fic that I wish to use to follow in the footsteps of Pen Stroke, Kkat, Silentbelle, and very soon, Changar Cordath. I wish to have this fic printed as a book.
I am glad that you approve of the story, and I do hope that once the story is completed, you will be most pleased with what I have written.
Examples, please, so I can know exactly what you are talking about. I do have a purpose for things, and any chance to improve the story, the better the end product can be.
Thank you.
6669337 Also, here is a sneak peek at what will come up near the end...