The Twilight Zone

by Bad Horse

1. The Pony (with help from Edgar Allen Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, clicking, clicking, weak and weary,
Browsing many a vile and bilious image on slash-b of yore,
Through the trolling, tired and phony, suddenly I saw a pony -
With noodly arms like macaroni, and a pastel-hued decor.
"'Tis some anime," I muttered, "with those big eyes that I abhor—
Only this, and nothing more."

Yet so heavy was my sadness, I was seized with sudden madness,
braving years of pony badness for a torrent of that mare.
Quick I turned with pirate scheming, to a Youtube channel streaming
to the phosphor brightly gleaming, vector art from everywhere.
Rainbow-coloured pony gladness, in the monitor's flickering glare.
"Just one show is all, I swear."

Pony followed on the heel of pony, pleasant was the feel of
ponies on the print from We Love Fine that soon adorned my chest.
Daymares took me on fantastic flights of fancy, and the plastic
figurines I'd purchased "for my niece" still lingered on my desk.
Half the ringtones on my phone were songs composed by Sherclop Pones,
Daniel Ingram wrote the rest.

Heretofore, I'd been laconic; yet those ponies, so iconic
(plus a little gin and tonic) had me writing fics galore.
Others, seeing me so Byronic, feared that I had turned moronic,
I swore that it was all ironic, as my fics grew by the score.
Soon my ships turned less platonic; soon I tagged them "sex" and "gore".
FlutterMac forevermore!

Far too late 'twas, when I realized I had struck a Faustian deal, and
tiny hooves would softly steal the reins that held my soul in sway.
And my stomach soon was feeling, like the remnants, still congealing,
of another Happy Meal, forebodings of the price I'd pay.
And at the pony gods I hurled the vilest curse I yet could say:
"Sweet Celestia, what the hay?"

"Ponies!" said I, "things of Hasbro!—atop the pyramid of Maslow,
By the grace of Leader Kibo, leave me browse in peace once more!
Haunt not all mine waking hours with thine pastel-coloured flowers,
Choreographed thundershowers have no place in Edinburgh!"
But the ponies kept returning, with pony plots my brain was churning,
With a never-ending roar.

And the ponies, always grinning, now I fear are just beginning
To drive my feverish brain to spinning ponyfictions evermore.
And my eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is scheming,
As the lamp-light o'er me streaming throws my shadow on the floor;
Pointed ears and nostrils flaring, in my shadow on the floor.
Ponified—forevermore!

Author's Note:

on slash-b of yore: The Brony phenomenon began on boards.4chan.org/b, 4chan's "random" channel, when bored trolls began posting pictures of ponies instead of porn.

braving years of pony badness: Previous (and subsequent) incarnations of My Little Pony had, let us say, a narrower appeal.

the feel of ponies on the print from We Love Fine that soon adored my chest: We Love Fine was an online T-shirt store that often printed fan-made pony T-shirt designs.

Sherclop Pones: the author of the songs used on Friendship is Witchcraft

Daniel Ingram: MLP G4's composer

FlutterMac: a popular but contentious pairing of Fluttershy with Big Mac

a Faustian deal: a reference to Faust, the scholar who sold his soul to the devil for enlightenment; also to Lauren Faust, the creator of MLP G4

like the remnants.. of another Happy Meal: In 2011, the easiest way to get a pony figurine was in a McDonalds Happy Meal.

atop the pyramid of Maslow: meaning that ponies are the ultimate human value which all other values are instrumental in achieving

Leader Kibo: "Leader Kibo", sometimes called the last person who read everything on the Internet, helped set the tone of Internet humor by posting whacky satires every day all over Usenet (what we had before the Web).  He would reply to any comment made anywhere on Usenet that mentioned his name. The newsgroup alt.religion.kibology is devoted to the worship of him.

Edinburgh (Ed-in-burra, Ed-in-bra): Me trying to think of a place name that rhymes with "more".

pony plots: the plots of pony stories; also, sexy pictures of pony hindquarters

Comments

[Bad Horse]

It's hard to rhyme with Hasbro.

I based the picture on altair4's picture below, redrawing it with fewer levels and words so it wouldn't be so busy, and adding the Magic level and the fireworks. GIMP is awesome!

[Altair4]

noooo, don't stop there...

this would make a great full length poem.
(and ponys atop the piramid of maslow works so well)

[Bad Horse]

850511 "(and ponys atop the piramid of maslow works so well) "
Does it, or is that sarcasm? I was thinking about how I could get rid of that line. It has meaning, but it doesn't scan well.

[Altair4]

851434
no really, I liked it,
maslow's hierarchy of needs would be 20% cooler with ponies atop it.
see?
flickr.com/photos/51040258@N02/7497486604/
Click for Maslow's pony, Inline image not working.

[Bad Horse]

851989
It IS 20% cooler! But I can't figure out how to download the picture.

[Altair4]

if you follow the link you should be able to right click, ill pm it to you if you want it, and try to save it bigger if I can.
flicker links don't seem to display here.

[ForSpite]

805036
Somehow missed this reply last time, so I'll just stay I'm always astonished by how many people miss plenty of plotholes yet want to make ones where there aren't any. Spectral riders on undead pterodactyls are so metal you'd think more people would realize they make a serviceable eagle deterrent (the eagles were probably circling just across the boarder waiting for an opening, thus providing quick response time).... Unless it's that people forget everyone said the Nazgul would die with the ring because their deaths go by pretty fast?

[Bad Horse]

1059064
Nah, I still think it's a plot hole. The plan they used, walking in, was even worse, knowing that there was a giant wall patrolled by guards around Mordor. They didn't know about the passage underneath then. Flying in had to be easier. They only had to fly over the wall; they could do it at night. Just fly up a few thousand feet, over the wall, and down. And they certainly could have flown the hobbits all the way to Mordor.

It's generous to call what they did a plan at all. It should have been clear from the start that the Fellowship was not going to walk into Mordor, but they never worked out what they would do when they got there.

[A cubed]

1066898 I didn't get that at all. Sorry...

1066913
img208.imageshack.us/img208/245/discordcallstrollestiae.jpg

THANK YOU!!!

[Flying Spaghetti Monster]

576806

Hm?

[Bad Horse]

1236004
I didn't have that idea at all, until you said that. Well, I still don't, exactly. I'm imagining a story where Celestia and Discord represent order and chaos, and Harmony must strike the proper balance between them... and the balance has swung too far in the direction of order.

[Bad Horse]

1462065 NOT MY THUMB! GIVE BACK MY THUMB!
Wait. Horses don't have thumbs.

[Pvt PartyPooper]

God I love this, can't go wrong with poe.

[toafan]

This was great and silly, even with the sharp turn for the dark at the end.

I didn't get the Kibo reference, but if it's just for rhyming then it may not matter.

Did this really happen to you, or does it just make good poetry?

[Bad Horse]

2008089 It's more-or-less autobiographical. I miss my thumbs the most.
Kibo is a real person who was once the unofficial god/leader of the internet. Much like DaVinci, who it is said was the last person ever to know everything there was to know, Kibo was the last person ever to know everything that was on the internet.

[toafan]

2032526 Oh yes, that Kibo

[Jahoosaphat]

despite the years of pony badness

That sounds like Fawful...

[Alondro]

I skipped the whole pyramid. I liked G1 to begin with.

As soon as I found out Lauren Faust was involved in G4, I was so there.

And I like Dragon Ball Z... I mean, yes it's stupid... but it's awesomely stupid.

I don't know why that's significant, but I feel a force of the universe declaring that it must be said.

[Rakaziel]

1236884 That sounds a bit like Star Wars - the Orderly Side of Harmony and the Chaotic Side of Harmony - force powers are already covered, clone warriors are aready covered, NMM or Sombra work well in a Darth Vader role... AJ would work as Sykwalker, Pinkie as Darth Maul, Twi or Rares as Mace Windu, Flutters as Yoda, RD as Han Solo, with Chrysalis or NMM as Palpatine...

Also, good poem

[JentleJeniusKat]

2032526
As someone whose first exposure to the internet was around 1994 and mostly consisted of reading Usenet, I got to the Leader Kibo reference and cracked up for almost a full minute. Pinkie would fit right in on a.r.k.

[TDR]

Oooh nice rewrite. Hit a little too close to home though.

[Kevin Lee]

Edgar Allen Poe would be suitably proud of what you did...
Or Eldrichly horrified by what you did to his poem...
Or more likely....both....

But I liked it
You're at 500 thumbs up & faved

[Lord LunaEquie is me]

I can appreciate the work that must have gone into this, but I have a hard time liking it because on top going through none of this myself, I kind of hate a lot of the prototypical attitude that this describes of the primeval Brony: that of the gatekeeper, the collector, the shipper, the fanatic. I realize that this does describe how a lot of people got into the fandom, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Also, I feel the Edinburgh rhyme is a little weak. You should have instead gone with a city ending in -born(e) or -port, or lesser rhymes with -worth or -ford.

[Bad Horse]

9722871
The Edinburgh rhyme is weak. No worse than -worth, though. It's pronounced "Edinburra" or "Edinbruh". I should try thinking of some other direction to go with the second half of that line. But it's not a top priority for me now.