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A Piece of the Puzzle

The Everfree Forest has been the home of Inferno for as long as she can remember, until she is forced out by an accidental fire. Wandering alone, she seeks to complete a task she has been given.

Chapters (2)

Chapter 1: A Remembrance · 20th Aug 2014 · 1,356 words
1,356
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Chapter 2: A Welcoming Gesture · 28th Aug 2014 · 2,449 words
2,449
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Comments ( 2 )

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Scribblestick

Scribblestick #1 · Aug 23rd, 2014 · · · Chapter 1: A Remembrance ·

That description is not very promising.

>"Dracona Flare" - weird pony name, could be a Mary Sue
>Seems to appear in Everfree forest for no reason - overdone
>Randomly ends up in Ponyville - also overdone
>"Forgotten element" - a seventh Element of Harmony? Way overdone, and poorly.

But hey, let's be fair and take a look at the chapter.

First, this story is really disjointed, and not in a good way. You cut off scenes mid-chase and begin again with Dracona waking up, and it's a bit confusing. Add that to the fact that you start with what I think is a dream sequence, and I start to lose track of what's real and what's not - which can be done well, but isn't here. It's more annoying here than anything else.

Second, and probably a symptom of the first, I'm not getting much out of your character. Who is she? What does she want? Mystery is fine, but unless I know some basic things about your character, I'm going to get bored.

DraconaFlare