The Diamond Dogs make life very hard and oppressing for the Crystal Ponies, until Rarity strolls into the empire.....
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- Member Since 2nd Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Oct 15th, 2020
Fryguy
.................I'm Fryguy, and I like writing and stuff, I love making friends.
Fryguy
Joined 2nd Feb, 2014 ·
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Woo! Diamond Dogs!
4795728
Thanks good sir!
The dark center of your story just does NOT mesh with the premise: diamond dogs take over crystal empire, and rarity whines them into submission...the premise is too hilarious to take the dark stuff seriously, but the dark stuff isn't funny, either.
and if you DO take the dark stuff seriously, well...the dark center has hundreds of small plotholes, and a half-dozen or so large plotholes.
Cadence+shining flung a ton of semi-competent changelings out of canterlot with a combo spell. While shining was extremely tired thanksto crysalis's draining efforts. While cadence was (probably) malnourished.
Cadence feels out of character, what with not even TRYING to fight back.
Falling unconscious from mere lack of air takes time.
The plothole of the crystal heart not being in place...you lampshaded it, which is a valid tactic if you really, REALLY need a particular plot hole for your story to work via rule_of_funny...but the poor (ESL?) sentence flow makes the humorous lampshade fall on its face...
And last but not least: taking 2 months for rarity to find out. rarity is a gossip, if a much nicer one than the stereotype. She is much more aware of goings on in the world than any of the other harmony bearers.
I recommend: have cadence play along with the diamond dogs, BUT slip a message to Rarity via a pink teleport spell. Rarity shows up before the diamond dogs can start whipping the crystal ponies. A shorter, but much better, story.
4817828
I'll try to keep that in mind, maybe write a note about that, so I can remember the next time I do write another story.
Especially since I missed some vital details that wasn't put into the story. I guess I was right about something being missing in my story.....editing in progress.
The Diamond Dogs seem out of character (a little smarter than normal) but I did enjoy the fix a little despite that.
5065325
Thanks.
4818473
It's...better. It's much more clear that Cadence thinks it'll be funny to do what she's doing, which while out of character is at least a comprehensible motivation, but I still find it really, really jarring that it gets to the point of the diamond dogs whipping ponies for two whole months.
It went from random bad to random mediocre, so I'll retract the downvote.
5460756
Yeah I was expecting critics there, well, I don't know, I guess Rarity was busy getting ready for the Equestrian Games, cause well the idea was that, Rarity didn't know at all since she was focusing on something else.
5462604 Rarity's just the tip of the iceberg.
The Chrystal Empire is halfway between a puppet state and an ally. Within a week (maybe two at most), Celestia or someone military finds out and responds, possibly within as little as a day or two.
Probably by by telling Twilight to send Rarity at the dogs.
So...just change two months to two weeks or two days, and it's a lot less of a problem.
5463588
I decided to fix it. And I just did.
5463694 better. Still not sure I want to give it a like, but that's much better.
5463731
Yeah