Kicking Back
“Good afternoon, Ms Kicker. I’m from Manehattan. I believe you are expecting me?"
The dark blue pegasus stallion’s voice didn’t have the smooth-as-treacle smarm that Cloud Kicker had expected, instead sounding surprisingly... normal, she supposed. She chided herself for giving in to prejudice and assumption, the very things she was herself trying to fight against. She looked up at her visitor and smiled, in what she hoped was a friendly fashion but she feared looked somewhat terrifying.
"Oh, you're from the agency?" she said.
"Indeed. I founded it, as it happens, but that's by the by."
"Well, won’t you come in? Thank you so much for coming to see me today, Mr...?”
“Oh, please, call me Buck,” said her visitor as he glided into the house. His hazel eyes regarded her steadily as he made a smooth landing, brushing a tuft of his slightly greying cream-coloured mane away from his face. It had clearly been expensively styled, but in an understated way that didn’t draw too much attention. He wore an almost preternaturally clean white shirt and a blue tie bearing a simple grey check pattern. It gave an impression of seriousness and professionalism. And probably having somepony else do his laundry, thought Cloud Kicker.
“Now then, let’s see what we can do for you.”
Buck’s eyes roved around the room, alighting on the sturdy, wooden dining table that rested against one wall. He looked questioningly at Cloud Kicker, who nodded her assent, and the two ponies moved over to the table. The mare went briefly to the sink and filled two glasses of water, placing one in front of Buck and taking a gulp from her own. Once both ponies were settled at the table, the stallion reached into his bag and, without fuss, produced a large pad of plain white paper, which he set down between the two of them.
Seeing Cloud Kicker’s somewhat surprised expression, he laughed. “I’m a little old-fashioned in some ways, I freely admit. But I do find that doing things this way tends to bring results. An oldie but a goodie, as you might say.” Buck’s eyes twinkled slightly as he said that, in a way that Cloud Kicker found faintly disconcerting. Aren't only magic-users supposed to have those weird eyes? she thought. Or should that be wyrd? Wired? I’ll have to ask Twilight about it sometime.
She surfaced to realise that Buck was looking at her expectantly.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, “but could you repeat that, please?”
“Of course,” said the image consultant. “What I said was that I’d like to hear you tell me, in your own words, how I can help you today. I have read the brief I received from my researchers at the agency, of course, but I always prefer to hear these things direct from the pony on the spot, as it were.”
Cloud Kicker sighed and with downcast eyes mumbled, “I... I just want to be treated with a bit of respect for once.”
“As who among us would not?” asked Buck rhetorically. “Except maybe for that one stallion in Fillydelphia who was really into being...” He coughed loudly, shook his head forcefully and fidgeted with his tie for a moment. “But let us get to the nub of the matter in hoof. I’m sure what you desire can be accomplished with a modicum of effort. Improving your public image is, after all, what I am here to help you with. But, and I do understand that this may not be easy for you, if you wouldn’t mind elaborating a little on exactly what your problems are...?”
He took a sip from his glass. “Ooh, very pungent. May I ask where you picked it up?”
Cloud Kicker blinked. “It’s, um, tap water. From the... tap. That one over there.” She waved a hoof to indicate the sink.
“Really? My goodness. How wonderfully artisanal. I shall have to see if I can get some delivered at home. Champagne can get so samey, you know. But please go on, Ms Kicker.”
Cloud Kicker swallowed and looked down at the table, avoiding looking at Buck. Then, in a near monotone, she muttered, “So many ponies in this town think I’m some kind of... of floozy. I really don’t know how it started, but the rumours just feed off each other; it’s a vicious circle. I get all these damn mares coming up to me in the street and asking me about my private life or suggesting that we... suggesting things. Stallions too, sometimes. Oh, and I had a mule do it to me on a crowded station platform the other day.”
Buck choked on his water.
“Is that even legal?”
* * *
More than two hours had gone by. Screwed-up pieces of paper littered the kitchen table, the floor and some of the flowerbed outside the open window. Buck rubbed the side of his head and chewed his lip.
“Well...” he said doubtfully, “I suppose we could always try a rhyming advertisement. On the minus side, it would lose a bit of the gravitas and solidity that a perfect piece of purple prose would carry. And probably the alliteration, for that matter. But you’d be surprised how many ponies in this town do appreciate a little poetry. May I?”
The mare gave a resigned shrug.
“Thank you. All right: why don’t we try this one on for size?” He cleared his throat. “Hello, my name’s Cloud Kicker! Say, would you like to hang? ‘Cause if we get on really well, then we can— yeow!”
There was a series of clangs and clatters as the saucepan hit the floor.
“You try something like that again and it’ll be a full one!”
“I’m sorry...” said Buck, blinking in bewilderment.
“So I should damn well hope!”
Buck grimaced. “I know. I really do apologise most profusely. Of course I should have asked you whether you wanted to try it out with me first.”
Cloud Kicker’s mouth fell open. “Asked me... whether I wanted to...? Okay, forget what I said about the pan; it’s going to be the whole bloody stove in a minute, buster!”
“All right, all right, I promise I won’t do it again!” said the stallion, backing away hurriedly and almost falling over his own hooves in his rising panic. “Whatever it was, I won’t do it! It’s just that the research I did into your case didn’t flag up anything about you having problems with such things. They did warn me about the potato peeler and the Jacuzzi, but not this! I swear!”
Silence fell in the kitchen. A pin fell off a notice board on the wall, as though it had been waiting for the chance all its life. It would probably have been disappointed, in so far as pins can feel such things, that neither pony’s ears so much as twitched as it hit the ground. Such, for a pin, were the trials of existence.
Meanwhile, the world held its breath. After a while, it gave up the fight and gulped for air. Cloud Kicker took the opportunity to regain those of her senses she could reliably place.
“Um,” she said. “Um, Buck? What was that last bit going to say? I won’t throw anything else at you. Promise.”
Nervously, the other pony said, “‘...then we can form a gang!’ But I can understand that some ponies aren’t comfortable with the negative connotations that the word ‘gang’ can hold.”
“...oh.”
Buck’s eyes darted from side to side and he gave a sickly grin. Cloud Kicker accepted this gift wordlessly.
“But never mind!” said the stallion, with forced brightness. “We’re really getting somewhere now! Though in the circumstances, I think it may still be a good idea to, er, move on to another strategy.” He scribbled on the pad for a few moments, then picked it up and showed what he’d produced to his client. “There!”
Cloud Kicker slowly raised an eyebrow, a trick she had recently picked up from Applejack while she’d been doing some taste testing for the earth pony. It wasn’t as if she even liked apples, but bits were bits. Besides, Applejack had been one of the few ponies in town who hadn’t either laughed in her face or tried to hit on her – sometimes both at the same time – and for that, she would put up with a lot. Though when it ran to several bushels, it took a lot of forbearance.
And saddlebags.
She read what Buck had written. “That’s actually pretty nice,” she said with some surprise. “Just my name, a nice picture and an encouragement to ponies to come find me. Simple, clear, friendly. I like it. I’ve got a pretty good photo you can use, too.”
“Hey,” said the stallion, grinning, “who’s consulting who now?”
“Who’s consulting whom.”
“Is she? Who’s Whom?”
Cloud Kicker’s eyes narrowed, and she brought her face within a few inches of Buck’s. “If you even think about using the words ‘on first’, my colt, I guarantee that you will regret it for the rest of your days on this planet.”
“Oh come now,” said Buck, "surely you wouldn't hold a grudge for that long?"
“I don’t think there’ll be any ‘long’ about it,” said Cloud Kicker. She smiled sweetly as she said it. Buck really, really wished she hadn’t.
* * *
“You had better,” said Cloud Kicker, “have one hell of an explanation for this.”
The two pegasi were once again standing in the mare’s kitchen. Buck was once again in a pristine white shirt, whether the same one or not Cloud Kicker couldn’t tell. His tie was definitely different: it had stripes instead of checks. Still grey on blue, though. For her part, she hadn’t dressed at all, hadn’t bothered even to do her mane properly; she had other things on her mind.
Buck, apparently unflustered, smiled condescendingly. “I really don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to include a little advertisement on the poster, Ms Kicker. It’s only a plain text slogan; it’s not as if I’m putting my face on the thing.”
“That’s not the point! You might have told me what your slogan was!”
“But—”
“Look at this! Look at it!”
Cloud Kicker brandished a copy of the poster. It bore her photo, bright and cheerful, in the centre, with her name above it in a clear yet elegant black typeface and the welcome message in violet below. It also bore a slightly unfortunate resemblance to a Wanted poster, but that wasn’t the problem. What was the problem was the accompanying slogan, written in blue along the very top. It was undeniably striking, but the overall impression was, well...
THE BEST BANG FOR YOU: BUCK
CLOUD KICKER!
LET'S HAVE FUN TOGETHER!
“Didn’t you even look at the thing?” she screamed in the consultant’s face. “Are you really that stupid? No, don’t answer that. Maybe this is just your sick idea of a joke!”
“Oh,” said Buck. “Oh.”
“I think ‘oh’ is the very least of it!” yelled Cloud Kicker.
“I really am sorry,” said Buck desperately. “It was my fillies in the typing pool who should have checked—”
“Oh, that’s all right then,” said Cloud Kicker with deep sarcasm. “If it was only ‘your fillies’ then clearly I have nothing to worry about! I’m sure nopony will be waving this thing in my face the second I go out of my front door tomorrow morning!! Thank you so very much for your time!!! I have only one thing to say to you, Buckyball: get the BUCK out of my house!!!! NOW!!!!!”
The stallion opened his mouth to suggest that such gratuitous abuse of punctuation might cause some ponies to get a poor impression indeed of a pony’s intellectual standards. He shut it again, very quickly, as he registered Cloud Kicker hefting another pan from the stove, this one considerably larger and heavier than the one which had given him the lump atop his head.
She began to count, slowly and deliberately. And down. “Five... four.... three... two...”
There was a sudden rush of air and the consultant was gone from sight, scorching off into the world outside and leaving nothing to show he had ever been there but the tattered poster. Cloud Kicker tore it to shreds and hurled its hundred tiny pieces into the bin, which complained vocally about having to hold them. Stupid unicorn gimmick. The frantic beating of Buck’s wings receded rapidly into the distance and she let out a long, deep sigh. She’d worry about tomorrow later. For now, all that she craved was being able to empty her mind of the last couple of days.
Caught by a stray gust of wind, Cloud Kicker’s unlatched front door banged repeatedly.
She groaned. It bloody would.
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Is this more my fault, Chengar's fault, or both?
Poor Cloud Kicker.
I'm not quite sure where the whole 'town whore' idea came from, but it's good to see a fic that explores it from another point of view.
Also, there's this:
Shouldn't that say something else?
4736357 I think it's a considerable part of the fandom's fault, quite frankly!
4736626 I assume it was "The Life and Times of a Winning Pony" that established that fanon. I believe it was the first hugely popular Cloud Kicker story, and given her personality in that...
Actually, no; it's written as intended. The idea is that Cloud Kicker stops herself just before finishing "suggesting that we bang" and self-censors herself to the deliberately vague "suggesting things".
Thanks for the +fav, too!
4736626
As far as I know, Chengar Qordath. Specifically, The Life and Times of a Winning Pony, which basically portrays her as a compulsive nymphomaniac, to the point where she damages her friendships. I've been told by others (especially Ponibus) that she's actually meant to be a heroine of sexual freedom rather than an Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist, but it's hard to believe this from Chengar's actual stories.
Oh, I think it's horribly hilarious to see how much Cloud Kicker would resent this reputation if it wasn't true.
At least no one referred to her as a flying vinareal disease
4737278 And thank you for the +fav, too!
4737832 Oh, I have no doubt that somepony, somewhere in this Ponyville, has said something along those lines. CK has, most definitely, had to put up with this stuff being thrown at her for quite a while by the time the story opens.
Nice one, but there is one thing you should maybe change
.
I think that, between the dark and blue, should be a hyphen. Since it is a compound adjective.
Just saying.
4739639 At least in British English, which is what I write, real-world usage tends to be less prescriptive than the style guides. For example, if you read the BBC website, you'll see "dark blue shirt", not "dark-blue shirt". The rule of thumb over here is that you only need the hyphen if the phrase would be ambiguous otherwise. (For example, "They packed their second hand bags.")
On a more general point, I've noticed that US English tends to be stricter on matters of style, whereas British English is more relaxed. To give another example, both of these are acceptable in British English:
In fact, the subjunctive mood (as used in the first sentence) is increasingly restricted to formal writing in British English. It comes across as quite old-fashioned in speech.
Aaaand I'm rambling, as tends to happen a lot! Thanks very much for giving my story a look!
4739816
. I guess that I try to be stricter in using those rules, but then again, I'm no native speaker so I can't use it as relaxed without sounding like a complete idiot 
.
Ah, well, ok...
Didn't know that
Thanks for correcting me
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
4742071 It's a little too short for consideration, unfortunately: EqD rules state that one-shots have to be a minimum of 2,500 words. It's not impossible that at some point I might revise and expand it a bit, but don't hold your breath as I have several other ideas I want to write. Thanks for giving the story a look, though!
(As promised, I've copied this over from Louder Yay for you. I hope that's okay!
)
Well! I can honestly say I enjoyed that a heck of a lot. I didn't know, when I first read this, that Cloud Kicker had gained that reputation, but the little story description helped where that was concerned. I think even without that, it would have become obvious anyway as the story progressed. And it was a wonderfully cheeky story at times, with some of the double meanings and hints. Especially the bit that ended with “Is that even legal?” So it was certainly amusing right the way through, (particularly that magnificently badly judged poster!) and the thought that Buck didn't even know what water is summed his character up perfectly. I know how he feels - champagne is soooo last century.
(I noticed the "pin dropping" bit too, not surprisingly. Life as a pin is a terrible thing.)
The twinkly eyes that Buck appeared to have were a bit of a mystery, but I know you explained why that was. (The idea that they think they can create a kind of magic all of their own.) One things for sure though, I don't blame him for getting out of that house fast once it was obvious the poster was... umm, ill-judged.
Poor Cloud Kicker. I'm sure she'll figure things out eventually but for now, I suspect Buck won't be getting another call! :o All in all, a really good bit of fun and it was just what I needed right now.
4758938 Thank you for that! If there's one thing I appreciate more than anything else on this site, it's an interesting, thoughtful review comment. If the commenter likes the story too, that's a bonus!
4737273
This story was hilarious, especially that poster at the end.
4737273 Honestly, I am not really sure where they got the heroine of sexual freedom thing either because while she is definitely not conforming to social norms, Equestrian society does not seem to be that judgmental so she winds up being more of a minor oddity than a hero.
That said, I do think you are selling her character short because there really is a lot more to her than sex because she does have a lot of positive qualities, and even with her undeniably overactive sex drive, I think "compulsive" is too strong a word to use because she can and does control herself in many cases. The real breaches of trust that damage her friendships are usually the result of other problems piling up so her emotions compromise her judgement, and the start of the primary chain of drama in the story was not directly related to sex anyways. What it really comes down to is that sex is her default reaction to extreme stress, and I do not really think it is any worse than the breakdowns we have seen from the Mane Six in episodes like Lesson Zero.
I like it!
-Ebony
4761890
This is exactly from where my perception of a Protagonist Centered Morality derives.
It is difficult for me to believe that most Ponies who knew of her would not regard her negatively for her behavior (unless they hoped to gain by it) because "reputation" exists for an adaptive social reason. It exists so that one may reliably predict the behavior of another so that one will not be unpleasantly surprised by it in an interaction with others. Whether a society is judgmental or not, individuals in a society will be "judgmental" because their judgements affect their own lives and fortunes. Good judgements lead to happiness and success; bad judgement to sadness and failure.
Extreme promiscuity is going to be perceived negatively by anyone who does not stand to benefit by it (namely, stallions, or idle rich mares from the fast set, hoping to get laid with no consequences). And even then, the way in which one benefits from such behavior makes friendship with the person who behaves in this fashion dangerous -- one might want to get laid but one does not want to get dragged into the emotional vortex surrounding the life of such an individual.
This is actually demonstrated in the original stories. Cloud Kicker does the most harm to the lives of those she claims to care about the most. Those with whom she has one-night stands escape unharmed; those with whom she has friendships get sucked into all sorts of heartbreaks and conflicts. One can only presume a very large number of wiser mares and stallions who avoid interacting with her because they can perceive what she's doing to the lives of other Ponies.
And yes, I notice the heroic aspects of her personality. I also notice the envy she has for those who did not ruin their own lives the way she has ruined hers, as witness her hostility toward Shining Armor, and her persistent efforts to drag the Element Bearers into her vortex of nymphomaniac madness.
In my opinions, Cloud Kicker is a failed heroine. In my fanon, she is a failed heroine who -- when very young -- tried to summon an entity of power to make her powerful enough to be a heroine, and got Winning-Through-Degradation, a Shadow Parasite (not an actual Night Shadow) which is an emotion-warping conceptivore -- a creature that consumes the specialness in the soul of potential Element Bearers. It ate a lot of Cloud Kicker and substituted itself for many of her decision-making centers. This explains why she has this weird charisma which can be used only for wrecking other Ponies' lives; it also explains why so much of the harm she does is to characters who are primary or backup Element Bearers.
Works for me.
4761890
ROFLMAO!!!
So basically, her "default reaction to extreme stress" is no worse than the worst breakdowns we've seen from the Mane Six?
Let me point out that in "Lesson Zero," Twilight Sparkle, who is recovering from having nearly been Discorded within the last month, goes barking mad and uses mind control magic on her friends and her whole town to create a crisis worth writing back to Celestia about, which brings Celestia herself, furious and probably very afraid that Twilight is slipping into freaking Nightmare mode -- certainly worried that Twilight is going to fail to Ascend, and for reasons similar to Sunset Shimmer's.
And you're saying that this is equivalent to Cloud Kicker's default mode of behavior?
Um, ok ... though that's harsher criticism than I would make. My personal opinion is that Cloud Kicker is probably just extremely insecure and somehow got stuck on the idea that "having sex = being worthy," which is a more normal sort of nymphomania. The only reason I came up with the Winning-Through-Degradation entity is to explain why everypony else is so accepting of Cloud Kicker despite her actions.
4761890
It had to do with (1) Cloud Kicker's seduction of Fluttershy in their fillyhood and (2) Derpy Hooves being a Horrible Judge of Character. In my main timeline, Rainbow found Fluttershy first, so Winning-Through-Degradation never got to munch on Fluttershy, which in turn meant that that W-T-D was weaker when she met Pinkie Pie, which meant that Pinkie Pie and the Paradise Entity were able to cauterize most of W-T-D, leaving Cloud Kicker a mostly-harmless nymphomaniac rather than the carrier of a horrible psychic STD which would have weakened Equestria for the Night Shadows the way smallpox weakened the Native American civilizations for the Europeans.
4761963 Ok, first thing first. That comment was based on the show as a whole, not the winningverse stories. Just look at Pinkie. She is obviously far outside the social norm, yet she is generally accepted as who and what she is by the town as a whole, and she is hardly the only canon example so I think it is reasonable to assume that a live and let live attitude is fairly common among the general population.
Now, individuals do obviously still judge others like how it is made very clear that AJ disapproves of Cloud and her behavior, but the response is generally avoidance, not confrontation, belittling, or any other form of harassment. AJ never bothers Cloud and does not seem to care that Rainbow is friends with Cloud so while Cloud definitely has a reputation, it does not seem to hurt her in any way. Ponies do most definitely take Cloud's reputation into consideration when dealing with her, but they do not shun her in any way because of it.
As for the relationship issues, that is not the result of Cloud's promiscuity, that is serious psychological trauma resulting from Fluttershy's actions when they were children which has left Cloud afraid of getting into a serious relationship again and results in her various issues. It is worth noting that this is strictly confined to romantic partners, Cloud has no problems with normal friendships like her bond with Rainbow Dash and she maintains healthy relationships with her cousins despite the fact that her trauma resulted in her freaking out and running out on the guard.
Also, I have absolutely no idea what the hell you are talking about in that last (technically second to last, but the last one is three words) paragraph so I am just going to ignore it.
4761991 You were trying to make her sound like a total nightmare that no one wanted to be around so I brought up a clear counterexample. Twilight has come close to destroying the town on several occasions yet she is not shunned for it, and we have seen breakdowns from most of the other ponies which make Cloud's habit of sleeping with random willing partners look very minor.
4762003 No, the kickoff point was the argument with Blossom when Cloud brought the crush to light. Without that things would have worked out fine with Cloud settling into a stable relationship with Derpy and Blossom never making a move on her feelings. Taking Blossom out of the picture would have let Derpy take a much more patient and mature approach to healing Cloud's wounds and turned them into a happy, stable family with none of the mess that stemmed from the romantic triangle. Fluttershy would never even enter the equation because she and Cloud would have continued to refuse to talk to each other unless Rainbow and Derpy worked together to get them over their block, and even then there is no way Fluttershy would have ever have mentioned her feelings for Cloud to avoid starting trouble.
4762305
Ah, yes, Pinkie. Spreads joy and happiness and good cheer. Definitely the same thing as being a vortex of emotional destruction. Of course, she gets toned down from her full awesome canon self, let alone her even more awesome self in my fanon, into a barely-sapient sex toy, because failing to do so might lead to her outshining Our Heroine Cloud Kicker. Even the barely-sapient Winningverse Pinkie Pie (whose sorry state I attribute to having had some of her soul consumed by Winning-Through-Degradation) is still loveable and friendly, rather than vicious and destructive, though.
Who said anything about confrontation, belittling or other forms of harassment. I think that they'd just find Cloud Kicker icky and not want to be around her. Unless they were members of her own "fast set", or Ponies who were looking for easy lays.
Would they think less of her? Yes. Of course they would. That's the nature of a reputation -- if you get a reputation for doing good things, others think better of you; if for doing bad things, less of you. Doesn't mean that they torment you -- the Ponies are a pretty nice and generally non-violent species.
Indeed. That is the curious matter of what the dog did in the night, for which I invented Winning-Through-Degradation to explain.
Which is odd, since her reputation should be one not merely for promiscuity, but for rather rude, disruptive and callous treatment of her friends. Who, instead of complaining of this, mostly lick it up and say "thank you, Cloud, may I have some more?" That is also what I invented Winning-Through-Degradation to explain.
Ahem. While I don't write Fluttershy as a Poor Little Miss Innocent Examplar of Total Innocence (in fact I view that as one of the ways Fluttershy manipulates other Ponies passively into giving her what she wants), the fact is that in the vanilla Winningverse as written Cloud, before the fight with Rainbow, was being pretty sexually-aggressive toward Fluttershy. There is also the inexplicable fact that she then waited something like a decade to contact Fluttershy again, which is odd behavior for somepony in love. Fluttershy's subsequent statement that she had always loved Cloud Kicker shows remarkably poor communication skills even for Fluttershy, and is actually more consistent with my theory of Cloud Kicker having as symbiont an evil Shadow Parasite that wants to eat Fluttershy's soul than it is with the reasons given in the original story.
Here, let's take it as written in the original Winningverse. I'll Abridge it a bit ...
CLOUD KICKER: "Ah, Fluttershy, you are so beautiful and irresistible. I love you. Let us make mad passionate love for we love one another." SMOOCHY! GAMOUCHEY!
FLUTTERSHY: "Ah, Cloud Kicker, I love you too! Oh joy! Oh ecstasy!" SMOOCHY! GAMOUCHEY!
(later)
FLUTTERSHY (thinks): "Hmm, maybe we went too far. Now that I am not in Cloud's actual presence I somehow feel bad about what we did. I know! I will ask my dear friend Rainbow Dash what I should do ..."
(tells Rainbow Dash what happened)
RAINBOW DASH: "Why the evil slut! I will teach Cloud Kicker a lesson."
RAINBOW DASH and CLOUD KICKER: BIFF!! BASH!! Ooh! Argh!
CLOUD KICKER: "Crap, I almost killed Rainbow Dash. I know! I will avoid Fluttershy for the next ten years because otherwise I will be forced to fight Rainbow Dash again and then I will have to almost kill her again and maybe kill her for real. I will not try to communicate with either of them in any way explaining my actions because, plot requirements. And I will have sex with everypony who is at least even mildly interested because, angst.
CLOUD KICKER (spends next ten years having sex with everypony at least even mildly interested in her because, angst)
CLOUD KICKER: Oh joy. Derpy loves me. I will insinuate myself into every aspect of her life and make her children see me as a second mother because, joy. Also I will go look up Fluttershy because, plot requirement.
FLUTTERSHY: Oh wow! How nice to see you, dear beloved Cloud Kicker who has been avoiding me for ten years!
CLOUD KICKER: Nice to see you too, my One True Love who I have been avoiding for ten years for vaguely-specified and illogical reasons!
FLUTTERSHY: I still love you because, no self-respect.
CLOUD KICKER: I still love you too, because, plot complication!
CLOUD KICKER and FLUTTERSHY (make mad passionate love). SMOOCHY! GAMOUCHEY!
CLOUD KICKER: "Let us leave Ponyville and get married, my One True Love!"
FLUTTESHY: "Alas, I love another, and made love with you because, no self-control, plot complication. And no self-respect. Did I mention no self-respect?"
CLOUD KICKER: "Bummer. Ah well, One True Love easy come, easy go. I'll go hang with Derpy instead."
CLOUD KICKER runs into BLOSSOMFORTH
CLOUD KICKER: "Hi, virginal best friend who I constantly tease because I am such a tease!"
BLOSSOMFORTH: "Hi, slutty best friend who I hang with because you are so amazingly Winning!"
CLOUD KICKER: "How're things going?"
BLOSSOMFORTH: "I see you're sad so I want to make love to you for real!"
CLOUD KICKER (shrugs): "Sure, I can see absolutely nothing wrong with this plan even though it bodes fair to have both of my remaining best friends getting mad at me! Come to me, my One True Love!"
CLOUD KICKER and BLOSSOMFORTH: (make mad passionate love). SMOOCHY! GAMOUCHEY!
CLOUD KICKER: (goes to see DERPY): "Hi, Derpy, my One True Love!"
DERPY HOOVES: "Hi, Cloud Kicker. Haven't seen you around much lately."
CLOUD KICKER: "Well, that's because first I met Fluttershy and made mad passionate love to her but then she didn't want to get married so I hung out with Blossomforth and we wound up making mad passionate love. Speaking of which, would you like to make mad passionate love?" (prepares for SMOOCHY! GAMOUCHEY!)
DERPY HOOVES: "Oooh!!!" (socks CLOUD KICKER one in the eye) BIFF!!
CLOUD KICKER: "Wow. Why must my life always be attended by such violence?"
***
Now, given this basic plot structure, and leaving out Queen Chrysalis and a major Changeling invasion which are nowhere near as awesome as the Winningness that is Cloud Kicker herself, can you see why I feel that Cloud Kicker is not entirely innocent in the tornado-like emotional vortex of disaster that is her love life? Or why other Ponies would want to stay clear of her?
Which is kind of odd. Rainbow Dash is the Pony who attacked Cloud Kicker for (as she saw it) seducing and taking advantage of poor little Fluttershy, and who Cloud Kicker nearly killed and did in fact inflict serious long-term injury upon. Her cousins have no problem with Cloud Kicker despite the fact that she's dishonored and embarrassed their ancient aristocratic Pegasus Clan in at least two fields -- displayed cowardice and extreme promiscuity verging on becoming a cartoon character. This is the sort of thing that makes me start thinking "mind controlling alien psychovoric symbiont from beyond space and time."
It's my explanation for why Cloud Kicker, in the Winningverse, can act like a total unreliable slutty lunatic and yet everypony is completely cool with this, to the point of scolding anypony who points out the obvious facts about her.
"Oh, Twilight, you're just such a weirdo prude, thinking that there's anything odd about her behavior. Here, why don't you study her close up until you grasp that everything about Her Winningness is just perfect ..." says Luna, the Alicorn who threw Cloud Kicker in prison for public lewdness toward her.
"Yeah, Twilight, she's real super in the sack so you'll like her! Hee hee, I used to be smarter but I lost half my mind somewhere!" pointed out Pinkie Pie.
"She's so Winning," said Rainbow Dash. "I totally forgive her for making a mockery of everything and everyone I stand or care for. Oh, and nearly killing me. I'm honored to have been nearly killed by somepony so wonderful!"
"Join the Winningness ..."
Yeah. Me, I'm for grabbing my Mnarean Star-Stone and firing up the old proton-pack at around this point.
Um, because Twilight's actually saved the day more than once, and for the most part is fighting the things that come out of the Everfree to inflict massive destruction? If she was Cloud Kicker, she'd be inviting them over for orgies.
And well, yes, of course the whole vortex of emotional anguish which automatically forms around Cloud Kicker is everypony else's fault. Never mind that most of it is a predictable consequence of treating other Ponies and their hearts like dirt. It's their fault, for daring to have enough self-respect remaining to object to anything Cloud Kicker does.
Because she's Winning. Through-Degradation.
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And I reposted the preceding comment in its entirety to my blog.
Now I love winningverse to bits (flaws and all), but this was a different kind of nice.
A gentle "tickle in the lol" with a finely crafted feather duster as it were.
Amusing stories....
i12.photobucket.com/albums/a224/Tifi78/x-everywhere.png
Amusing stories everywhere.
4765275 Given what CK is like in the Winningverse itself, I'd have been a little worried if it hadn't been at least a bit different!
I'm not a particular Winningverse bloke, but when I thought of this idea, it just seemed too good to pass up!
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I'm very glad you have poor resistance to random ideas.
That last line though....
4770367 The last line came to me very early on; it was probably the reason I actually went through with writing the story.
4770416
So all this was basically an elaborate setup for a witty punchline?
Because I have zero problems with that.
It totally deserved a fav though.
4770595 Pretty much, yes. Hey, that's how I got started on this site: the first story I published here was one where I thought up the last line first!
4736626 I have made Cloud into a recovering heroin addict in one of my worlds, she's a friendless borderline acholoic(she could quit any time with a good reason, she has none so far) in another, and part of a pair of immortal pegasi with surprisingly few stories to tell. It's fun to make ponies into antitheses of what fandom's think they are.
4805036 Poor Cloud Kicker. She really knows how to pick them, doesn't she? I mean, Buck. Shouldn't the name alone have given her pause for thought, considering what she's hiring him for? My take on this is that she's been ground down by all these years of (in my headcanon, false) rumours and allegations about her, and has lost a bit of her capacity for good judgement. Naturally, this comes back to haunt her later in the story...
It's a bit jarring to reconcile this CK with WV CK and I know this isn't meant to be WV CK but now I have to decide which version of CK to keep in my headcanon, and frankly WV CK is winning! (babum tsh) But aside from that it would have been interesting to see how CK gets misunderstood by everypony before she tries to resolve her image problem. I do feel sorry for her, though, and the unfortunate double entendres were a good laugh
4806095 Heh; I'd be pretty astounded if any Winningverse fans actually changed their headcanon for CK as a result of this... thing! But then I wasn't really writing for dedicated Winningverse fans; I'm a little surprised that so many of those have liked this. My primary target audience here was people who, like me, felt a bit... "disenfranchised" may be the word... by there being almost no CK stories on the site that weren't Winningverse. And yes, that's a secondary meaning of the last line in the story description.
Fair point about the potential for extra background scenes. I didn't really think they were necessary, though, since this was written primarily as a fun, silly short. I tend to feel that CK has become rather lonely and miserable in the run-up to what we see of her in this story -- she's been reduced to advertising for friends, remember -- so adding those extra bits would probably have made this a rather sadder, darker story, which wasn't really what I wanted to write.
Ya big silly. :)
5311465 That's about the size of it.
4806358 Fun story, and a good reading, too!
I was going to include CK as a side character in my latest story, but both my prereaders told me that there was no way readers would accept her as different from how she is portrayed in the Winningverse. It kind of pissed me off, so I am especially glad to see someone "kicking back."
5316304 Thanks very much! Other than a gentle reaction to the Winningverse CK, a bit of fun is all this was ever meant to be, so I'm glad it succeeded for you in that respect.
Of course you know your readers better than I do, but I'd have been inclined to have told my prereaders where to go on that one. There are non-Winningverse fics about CK, albeit not very many, so it can be done. Besides, one day the show may give her a canon personality -- and I don't imagine it'll be the Winningverse one!
As someone who has read the Winningverse, I thought this was a fun and amusing little story. I liked the Cloud Kicker in this one.
5671391 Thanks very much! "Fun and amusing" was exactly what I was going for here, so it's nice to know you think I succeeded.
I wouldn´t even have waited to beat him with the pan xD
"‘Cause if we get on really well, then we can—" Still, that silly wordplay was the best part of the story in my opinion
And now, thanks to you, I will have to read the Winningverse (at least the main story)... Three-hundred how may thousand words had it again?
But hey, one thing about your reading on YT: I think you need to slow down a bit and make at least some smaller breaks between the sentences and paragraphs. It was okay at the one point she interrupted him, but the other time, I can hardy read in my mind at the speed you put up in your reading
7006505 Silly wordplay is best wordplay!
Also, good luck with Winning Pony. It's a long read, but deeper than it at first appears.
You're right about the reading: PresentPerfect made the same point in his review of the fic. This was the first story I did a full YT reading of, and I did slow down a little for later readings.
7006850 Okay, that´s nice to hear
To be the Candle is also on my list, nothing silly this time, and I will for sure listen to your reading ;)
Fortunately, I've avoided reading any of the "Winningverse" stories or their spin-offs.
Mostly because MLP:FIM was created as a morality play promoting good character, and that happens to be how I like it.
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Heh -- as it happens, this story was written when I hadn't either, and so was based on what I *thought* Life and Times of a Winning Pony would be like. It would have been a bit different had I written it afterwards!
You can has review!