Hold your ground but do not be unkind. (Ponyphonic, "Shy Heart") He/him. Ponyfic Roundup reviews every Wednesday.
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Rainbow Dash and Rarity have a chalk-and-cheese relationship at the best of times, but when Dash makes a mess of a special effect for a fashion show in front of some of Canterlot's most influential ponies, Rarity is furious. Embarrassed and miserable, Rainbow believes she deserves to be alone for a while. Her friends may have other ideas.
Lightly inspired by the Rainbow Rocks song "Shine Like Rainbows", hence the story's title, but this is not an Equestria Girls fic.
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Got an extra quotation in there.
'Twas a nice read on a dreary late-afternoon.
5386460 Thanks; fixed! And thank you for reading, too.
Sup mate just wanted to say good work on stories hope you get alot of good feed back from it and good comments saying your stories are good. Have a good day or night.
I'll be honest with you here...
This bored me to tears. It was just so dull to read. There isn't anything bad about this fic, it's overall structure is good and all. It just couldn't keep my attention for more than five minutes. I just skipped right to the end.
So uhh...I'm just gonna leave a down vote here, again it's not the writing, it's just my own preferences.
5386617 Thanks; I'm always happy to get feedback. Knowing what your readers think is the best way to improve.
5386782
Thank you! No, seriously. Obviously, I'd have preferred to have written a story that you enjoyed, but I really want people to give their honest opinions in comments, even if they're negative. I review fics myself, and one thing that's always frustrated me is what you might call "the FanFiction.Net disease" where absolutely everything gets acclaimed as great. It doesn't help anyone: writers imagine they're perfect and prospective readers can't tell whether they might like the story. Being honest is so much more helpful all round.
This particular fic is a bit of a departure from my usual style in several ways, so I'd actually have been surprised if everyone had liked it. I guess you'd call it "very Slice of Lifey" and that's not something that's going to appeal to readers who want wild comedy, intense action or heart-rending tragedy in the fics they read. The lack of major incidents is deliberate, but I can certainly understand that it's not to everyone's taste. So I really appreciate the fact that you voted honestly and took the time to explain; I'd never be offended by a downvote under those circumstances.
5386945 Oh well...that reaction was unexpected. Whenever I try to give an honest opinion I get abuse throw my way, because the author is always perfect and is always right, and pray to God that you don't disagree with them, lest he strike you down as you stand!
So when browsing the comment sections you have to button your lips and spew praise all over a story, even if it destroys you internally to do so. So thank you, for not following the norm and actually allowing me to have my opinion!
5387022 You're welcome, and I hope you won't let those silly reactions stop you giving your honest opinion on fics. If there's no room for negative reviews, we might as well just rename the comments section "Praise" or something.
5386945 omg my life story right there
I enjoyed it. The prose was well-written and the characterization was accurate for the most part. However, I personally wasn't a fan of Rarity's reaction to Rainbow Dash crashing by her. She'd be irritated and act dramatic because of the possible consequences, but I think she'd want to make sure that Rainbow Dash was okay first and I think she might be a little less blunt in her criticisms towards her. I personally think that if you toned down Rarity's frustration a bit, Rainbow Dash could still feel bad for upsetting a friend and the story could work as is. However, that's just my interpretation of Rarity as a character, so you're more than welcome to disagree with me. In the end, I'll give this an upvote, as while I didn't like all of it, I did enjoy it for the most part. Keep on writing and I hope your future stories do well.
5387715 Thanks for the comment! :) Rarity was actually written like that deliberately in that scene, actually; I was thinking of how she acts in, for example, the "sweatshop" scene in "Rarity Takes Manehattan", where she feels so wound up by pressure that she doesn't seem to care at all about how unhappy her friends are. In my story, she thinks she's going to lose a major contract and her reputation in one go. By the time she comes out of the boutique, having been assured by the Very Important Guests that they understand but still feeling bad about it (hence those gushing apologies) Rainbow is gone. At that point, though we don't see it, Rarity realises how unkind she's been to Dash. That's why she feels she needs to pay her own "penance", which is (deliberately written to be) the same as Rainbow's, ie slogging up the hill rather than flying -- note that she's the only one who doesn't make use of Twilight's balloon. Whether it worked or not is obviously for my readers to decide! Thanks for the upvote, in any case.
Your poetic prose never ceases to stun me. Your ability to milk some 3,000 words from a relatively mundane interaction and resolution just further validates this. I write SoL too, but I really stink at filling up my story with beautiful description. I can fill them up with sobbing Fluttershy, though!
I have to admit, though, I was expecting something different too when I read this, though for a different reason than Rainbow87dash's. I have to ask: what part of this story is Hearth's Warming-related? I know that you mentioned Rarity being Mare à la Mode, but how is this different from any other Canterlot interaction that Rarity has? I'm reading a lot of Hearth's Warming fics because, well, it's that time of the year, but I forgot this was a holiday story until I reread the description. Even the weather kind of threw me off. Shouldn't it really be snowing this time of year?
5387769 I was reminded by that episode a little when I read that scene, though I still think she may have went a bit overboard. Either way, you do make a valid point, so you're more than welcome to keep her character like that. I will say the scene with Rarity and Rainbow Dash being back on good terms got a smile out of me, which is definitely a good thing. It really ties in with the show's main theme, that friendship is magic. Good luck on your future stories.
5387773 Thanks very much; I actually don't think I'm that good at writing SoL, so this was partly an exercise in challenging myself to do it. I'd have found it easier to write Comedy or Sad or something, but decided to go down this route and see what happened. If nothing else, it's certainly provoked the most interesting comments section I've had in quite a while!
The name of the contest is probably a little confusing: it's called that because the deadline is at this time of year, and the "heart-warming" bit is what the contest rules specify. Being Hearth's Warming-centric isn't actually required, though I thought I'd put one or two background mentions in, just to be seasonal about it. As for the weather, what we've seen of it at other times of year doesn't suggest that it's always snowy in the winter, any more than it's always hot in the summer. Where I live (England) we have plenty of winter storms that are like the one depicted here, with cold rain, murk and gales rather than snow and ice.
5387813 I know that the weather isn't the same in all locations, but Hearth's Warming time doesn't exactly have a rainy connotation to it. Though, to reflect Rainbow's mood, rain is far more fitting.
It could also be because I live in Canada, where there's not as much rain but I think there's more snow. A couple days ago, we got dumped something like 30 inches of snow overnight.
5387861 There you are: we had zero snow all winter last year. That's unusual, but if we get six inches in one snowfall, that's considered a lot. Hmmm... just imagine Ponyville is in Vancouver. That should do it.
Spikes going to heat up the hot cocoa
5387887 We had snow last year! For a couple seconds.....In February. It's wasn't very uhh....impressive.
And shine like rainbows.
5391778 Actually, Shine Like Rainbows was my working title for this fic.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
5391778 Where did you get the icon for your avatar?
5394225 Hey, I only wrote it two days ago; give me a chance! :P Also, while I don't mind exactly, you make that exact same comment every time you say something on one of my fics. I'd be delighted if you wanted to give a bit more of your own opinion. For example, why do you think I should submit this to EqD?
5394226 What icon? I just found this picture off Google and decided to use it.
Nice story there.
We thank you for entering our little heart warming contest and hope you had fun writing it.
A good day to you.
Dragon san
5394659 Thanks very much! I'm really looking forward to reading the other entries; the more the merrier.
This seemed like the ideal day to make a point of reading this story again and putting a comment here. And before anything else, yes I certainly did enjoy this a lot and there was no hesitation about adding this to my list of favourites.
Something that really stood out for me with this story was the characterisation. I've said this before elsewhere, but that seems to be something you've really got a knack for, and it's definitely proven here. I couldn't personally see anything out of place with the characters at all, but in particular (and obviously of importance with this story!) it seems that it was Rainbow herself that was written best of all. Having said that, I do think the parts involving Rarity were also very much like her - I don't imagine that she's all that easy to write for, but I couldn't see any problems here whatsoever.
I couldn't help but feel sorry for Rainbow Dash. It seemed to me that she had tried her best, and crash landing aside, it wasn't really her fault if there were none of the correct kinds of clouds available at that moment. It was quite sad imagining her walking along and wanting to be by herself, and even Pinkie didn't seem to be making much progress. But in the end everything worked out, thanks to them all caring so much for her, and I thought that was definitely a very heart warming way to finish the story. And it was the final two paragraphs (or the final paragraph starting with "Dash laughed again as she took to the air" and the line right after that) that I thought were very nicely worded indeed! That conjured up a very strong mental image of "soaring" and happiness, which was great to read!
If I've got this right, the actual judging should be at some point over the next few days? If so, I hope the story does well and, of course, best of luck!
5420257 I don't actually know when judging happens. There are eight or so other stories entered, some by writers I know are very good, so it's going to be tough. But we'll see!
And thank you very much indeed for that review!
It's interesting that you bring up Rarity: I've found myself really starting to like writing her recently; that bit in Where They Understand You where she talks to Fluttershy was another example. The Mane Sixer I find hardest to write, actually, is Applejack: in this fic, she's just on the edge of things and making the odd pointed remark, which is simple enough, but a whole AJ-centric fic would be trickier. I haven't read all that many really good tales where she's played a big role. Maybe It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door.
Oh, of course, and so you should. After all, Rarity has really overdone her criticism, as she very well knows later on in the story. (Why else do you think Rarity copied Dash's "penance" and walked up the hill, rather than flying in Twilight's balloon?) But, as befits a blatantly heart-warming fic, everything works out all right in the end. I actually wrote that ending quite early on in the writing process; the last section in particular, describing Rainbow's laughter, is one I really like.
This review brought to you in the format of the group Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Light that Ignites in the Dark
Grammar score out of 10: 9
Pros:
Everypony was well realized, few people remember that certain pairings of the mane 6 don't work so well. This was illustrated perfectly as the right personalities clashed, but everypony was able to love and tolerate when all together.
Rarity as shown as being innovative and creative outside of merely making a dress. I enjoy it when she is shown to also manufacture textiles or cut gems. It rounds her out while staying within her passion.
Applejack's accent was written in such a way as to properly represent the way she speaks, and did not simply substitute "Y'all" for you all. The actual dialect was present. (I lived in Appalachia for a few years, there is more then just word choice, there is also phrasing.)
Cons:
The Narrative flow felt odd to me. This may simply be the writing style. It did not negatively impact the story,
The racist remakes some character's made seemed not at all like they would be made by the Mane 6.
Spike was included, but did nothing to advance the story. I dislike a character being wasted in such a manner.
Notes Section:
You are most certainty an excellent storyteller. Admittedly most of the negatives I have come from personal tastes. Howeaver, I feel I need to elaborate on the racist jokes. I assume you included them to give a more mature feeling to the world as groups of friends do joke like that with one another and we have seen hints of pony racism in the show. Howeaver it feels alien to the world for friends to use slurs with one another when they happen to be ponies. Their society embraces friendship, respect, and love to the point where friends are better described as "Romantic partners without the sex". It simply feels... alien. It's not bad mind you, its just like walking into a spherical room. You are confused as to why it is a sphere and not a rectangular shape.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Seeking Hearth and Home
5427079 Gosh, that was quick! Before I get into specifics, thank you very much: if there's one thing I love getting, it's detailed, thoughtful feedback like yours.
Not that I'm complaining about a 9, but I assume that means there were a few minor errors remaining. Anything particular that bothered you?
Thank you; I'm delighted you felt that way, as I think one thing a lot of people miss -- even occasionally a few of the show writers! -- is that MLP:FiM is a character-driven show, not an event-driven one. The way the ponies (and zebras etc) interact is what interests me the most.
Thank you for this, also. Like a lot of fans, I initially disliked Rarity, but I've come to enjoy writing her a lot more in recent times.
I'm glad that felt right. I'm English, so I almost never hear accents like AJ's in everyday life. I just try to capture the cadences of her speech -- and to avoid one of my pet hates, using "ah" for "I"!
Okay, now for the cons:
I think it may well be a stylistic thing. Pure slice of life isn't by any means the area I'm most comfortable in; this is only the second straight SoL ponyfic I've written. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there were still bumps that needed smoothing out.
This is a great point, and actually the little exchange between Rarity and Applejack was one I hesitated over. You're spot on in saying that it deviates a bit from the show: we've seen light-hearted sexism (AJ's "Ain't that just like a boy?" to Spike near the end of "The Ticket Master") but not this. "Flight to the Finish" does suggest that Ponyville is unusual in its degree of racial harmony, but that doesn't get me off the hook here. I guess I included the exchange simply because Rarity and AJ have such a funny, sparky relationship in canon.
Another fair point, though I was rather caught between two stools. If I'd left Spike behind, you can guarantee that I'd have had commenters complaining that "Yet again, a writer ignores Spike!" while I didn't want to write him a scene that didn't fit the story simply out of tokenism.
Thank you again for some of the most interesting and useful feedback I've had on my stories, and I'll certainly review your own fic within the next few weeks. Do feel free to nudge me (eg via PM) if I forget about it.
5427175 Too follow up: Of course I was fast. I am unemployed, not a student, and no friends. This is my life
No but seriously I have a ton of free time.
As for the grammar errors... I put a 9 to be safe. I didn't see anything but this means little. I am a high functioning autistic, one thing I cant do is notice grammatical errors unless they are huge. To me the difference between then and than is nonexistent. To the point of me having to read my own sentence three times to make sure I used the two different yet the same words. That said your word choice, sentence structure, and flow were good. You write like the people in my English 401 Creative Writing class. Which is refreshing.
As for the Appalachian accent, it's indicative to a mountain region in the South Eastern United States. It is it's own dialect, which FiM gets correct in both word choice, and phrases. For example "Ah got us two whole pokes 'o sweet taters. Ain't had any in a coon's age." In normal English that is "I have two grocery bags full of sweet potato. I have not had any in a long time." Since I lived there for several years I am willing to help you, and others, correctly write it if desired.
As for spike... I purposely set my fiction 10 years in the future so Spike is now a young adult dragon and has been taken off for um... Hoard Acquisition and Damsel Distressing Training or something dragony like that. Unfortunately his character ha stagnated for so long that the fandom would be happier with him gone :/
Sweet =)
6140244 Thank you!
I forgot to follow you after I read Where They Understand You. I've fixed that now. Your stories always manage to put a smile on my face and I can't thank you enough for it.
6443464 Thank you very much! That's a lovely thing to say, and I'm really glad that my stories have given you enjoyment. I hope to be able to achieve that again in the future.
A great piece of "pure" slice-of-life, where very little actually happens, but rather the story is really good at capturing that particular moment of healing for Rainbow and her friends and, yes, it did make me smile at the end. It is remarkable that the emotional power of the final scenes comes as much from what is unsaid between them as what is said. No, I wasn't crying, not at all ;)
Also, the RariDash in this reminded me very much of Spring is Dumb.
6764223 Spring is Dumb? That's high praise! I'm not sure it's quite worthy of the comparison, but I'll take it! And thank you very much for reading -- I'm glad you enjoyed the story so much. It's been one of my favourites since I wrote it -- perhaps not objectively my best, but I really wanted to write a "feels" story with a domestic, almost S1-like atmosphere, and I think I did reasonably well on that score.