Cerberus wandered just a little too far away from his post for just a little too long, and Twilight Sparkle and Spike have left the map with Princesses Celestia and Luna to secure the denizens of Tartarus as deep inside the place they belong as possible. Meanwhile, the princesses' sudden leave hasn't done a thing to relieve Equestria's shaky condition. Straggler monsters still wander about, Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts are held up in Cloudsdale trying to rid the weather factory of a squatter, and the lowered demand for luxuries - clothes included - is pushing Rarity to edge out her territory in the name of improving the Equestrian quality of life.
Chapters (3)
You have caught my interest. I'll track and see where this goes.
What a strange thing I just read! The author is clearly a person of some education, but there are so many bizarre authorial choices here that I scarcely know where to begin. The word choice is very off-putting and visceral, which would be fine in many stories, but here it is just distracting. Rarity's inspiration room is fecund (and also fertile, which is redundant, and also filthy?)? I absolutely understand what the author is attempting to convey here, but it just discomfiting to read. Later, where Rarity is sucking on sweet "applemeat" I confess to feeling a bit sick to my stomach. Everything seems "off" and somewhat "gross." I know that the author is doing this on purpose, but it is just not working for me. There are also numerous non-sentences, such as "A little crash of embarrassment and gratitude, tempering into sheepishness" or "The somewhat embarrassing, useless truth." Again, perhaps this is a stylistic thing, but if it is it should fit better into the narrative. There are many more oddities - such as why Rarity "canters" only a few steps (a canter is nearly as fast as a gallop), and bizarre sentences like "There blew away thoughts of fretting for a moment, then back." I also recommend the author to find an accompanying artwork if he or she wants more readers. I clicked on this because I check out any Rarity story I see, but not many readers are so inclusive. Back to the beginning now: this was a very strange beginning to what is sure to be a very strange story. I do recommend editing or working with a pre-reader going forward.
443805
I appreciate that greatly. I'll do my best not to waste your attention.
444026
When you began that way, for a moment I was terrified that your thoughts would be along the lines of "Hell did I just read?" XD But your comment is quite thoughtful and valuable, so thank you for your patience in reading and in saying all that you did. I'll make it more of a point to be absolutely sure I don't go leaving figurative raw material in the story that I let get by because it makes perfect sense to the one whose brain it came out of in the first place - assuming Twilight's "prologue" was a little cleaner and that the reason you didn't cite it for any examples for awkwardness wasn't just that it wasn't the chapter you'd just read, I suppose that may have been because I backtracked to it while working on the first chapter proper. And I suppose a cover image when possible is a given.
Thank you again, with a little extra thanks for saying anything about "going forward." XD
446386
Strange as I found it, I do hope you keep writing, and I was certainly happy to give you a thumbs up!
Very nice. As the other reviewer pointed out, some of the language could be hard to follow at times, but with this chapter you've ironed out the problems while maintaining the artistic quality. The FlimFlam Brothers and Trixie make an excellent team, though I'd suggest you put Trixie into the character list.
A very satisfying chapter that has made me anxious to see what Rarity's titular industry is!
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Your words made last evening for me. XD I'm deeply flattered and grateful that you say that. And that you approve of the Flim-Flam-Trixie teaming - and you're probably right about that. I hadn't meant to snub Trixie, but I suppose with the new five-character-tags rule, I'd wanted to be careful, and I knew early on that I'd wanted the Flim Flam Brothers to come to play into the story and it was because of that that I'd thought to include Trixie at all - I liked the idea of the three playing off of each other. I guess I still hadn't quite been thinking of her as on the same level as them for the purposes of what I have laid out, even though she is. And would probably hate me for selling her short.
Thank you so much, and again, I hope I don't disappoint you!