Royal Pin. Pinkie Pie's no-longer-to-be-coltfriend. Cheese Sandwich has
provided enough of a relationship for her. But the sweet pink mare
hasn't said a word to Pinny for days. What has gone through that mare's mind?
She was hiding that secret for months. She just couldn't tell Royal Pin or
Cheese Sandwich, for the sake of the friendships.
Cheese Sandwich. Pinkie Pie's new coltfriend.
And there's I.
Royal Pin.
Pinkie Pie's no-longer-to-be-coltfriend.
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I can't believe I didn't notice this! I'm putting it in some groups where it will be seen.
I think you also probably need an editor/proofreader. I NEVER volunteer to do this, but I will do it for you if you want me to. There are some grammatical errors that can be fixed, and I can also make some more suggestions if you want them. I'd rather do that by PM, so PM me if you would like me to do that. It's entirely your choice.
Boy, Royal Pin sure is a jerk, isn't he?
This story is good keep up the good work
Great story. Hope to see more from you!
Yeesh.That was way to dramatic for my taste.
An interesting premise, especially with the use of Cheese. An enjoyable read too, though there are a few grammar errors here and there. Nothing disjointing, a read-through can fix them up.
But I didn't find it believable. I don't see Pinkie Pie cheating. Ever. And even if she did, she would have told the other party about it. She's not one to do this sort of thing. I can buy that she didn't really love him and loved Cheese all along, but she would have told Royal about it beforehand. She wouldn't cheat on him, and then be in the position she was in with the inevitable 'you're cheating on me' scenario. Even if she was hiding it to prevent harming him, it really had the opposite effect. The longer she kept it, the worse it becomes. Royal will get more involved over that time, as so will Pinkie's involvement with Cheese. The longer its hidden, the more angry Royal will be in the situation. I think Pinkie would be the type to immediately go and say, "It's over," and that's it, to prevent any further heartbreak or harm. She likes ponies to smile after all. She wouldn't just put it bluntly and storm off, but she certainly wouldn't cheat on him for months and hide it just to 'protect his feelings'. If she wanted to do that, she'd have told him right away that she was no longer interested. In the end, the scar she got might have been a little far-fetched, but deserved because of her carelessness. How could she not expect Royal to do something so extreme? I get the idea you're painting Royal as the bad guy here, which while understandable, doesn't come across as such to me because of the way Pinkie acted here. Yes she had good intentions, but she went around it the wrong way, and in the end, her actions cost Royal to lash out and get punished for 'harming her'.
So why didn't Pinkie get punished? Did her friends not see how backstabbing she was by cheating on Royal over a few months? Again, good intentions, but going the wrong way. But even if she's supposed to be good here, cheating is not nice. She should have gotten something and not been the main target for sympathy. I don't know about you, but if I had a friend in this situation, I would have given my friend a giant rant or something if I found out they cheated on someone for months and never had the gall to tell them, because he/she wanted to keep it quiet to prevent 'hurting their feelings,' good intentions or not. I can see why her friends feel sympathetic towards Pinkie in this situation, but they're lacking common sense here. It's okay to cheat now? I wouldn't let her get away with something like that, nor do I see her doing it in the first place. So why is Royal being the target here? All three of them are guilty of something in this case, though Cheese is the truly innocent one, as he had no clue. You could say the same for Royal, but he went and harmed them deliberately, while Cheese remained inactive, giving him innocence to this case. That leaves Royal and Pinkie, but really, Royal is kind of innocent too. It was because of Pinkie not telling him that she wasn't interested or didn't love him that caused him to lash out after he did find out. If your partner was cheating and you found out, you'd likely want to do something. Yes you'd get angry, extremely more so if the cheating went on for months. People do harm their others in this kind of situation because of the betrayal and rage, so in a way, Pinkie had it coming here. But she's allowed to get off scot free. Why? I'd happily take some justification here for why she can get away with betraying a pony who loved her when she stabbed him in the back. I can't think of anything.
But then, this might just be me. Cheating is a scum topic to me. It lowly to hear about. So in the end here, I didn't feel sympathy for Pinkie, cut on her face or not. It takes a lot of guts for me to come out and say I'm not liking my favourite pony in a damaged situation. But honestly, Pinkie's behaviour and getting off without punishment ruined it. I get what you were going for here, and it's well pulled off to an extent, but cheating is a personal troubling subject to me.
So personal ranting and arguments aside, and apologies for the long comment, I'm going to upvote this, because I did enjoy it, cheating frustration aside. I see you're a CheesePie fan too, so I'll look forward to future stories you may do on the pair as well.
I loved the story the only problem now is that I severely want royal pin to DIE or be sent to the MOOOOOOOOOOOON
See, this is the kind of stuff that starts drama. You shouldn't have to demonize one corner of a love triangle to support the other. It's just petty.
4729921
I think the author was trying to make Pinkie out to be unfaithful. Or the author was trying to make an interesting story using an affair as a plot device who knows. As much as i am against hitting women or men for that matter but when it comes down to the heart he felt like what he did to pinkie was justified because she cheated on him with Cheese who has made her cry in the past i am not sure if he knows that part about how cheese made her feel worthless causing her cry but if he did and Pinkie left him for that guy i can understand his anger but that does not excuse attacking a girl! You don't attack people just because they did something stupid you just don't I don't know why I can see Pinkie not telling someone about what she is doing right away I guess i see her as thinking of not wanting to hurt their feelings but like you said she would say something right away knowing by waiting it would make it worse. I don't know this story is making me question everything i knew about Pinkie. Still Pin is an ass for attacking her I don't care what his reasoning was.
First of all, hi, Color Clouds!
4729921 Well, you have some really legit points here, although any character who slashes another character's face in a jealous rage immediately winds up on my poop list. I don't care if he caught them in bed together. That's still wrong. Like, Shakespearean-tragedy level wrong. And she certainly doesn't "get away scot-free" for cheating when she's (possibly) blinded in one eye! Frankly, if I were Cheese, I would be seriously worried about this, because a person who cheats on someone else to be with you is a person who probably will not think anything of cheating on you to be with someone else.
BUT--I think you are right about Pinkie. I don't think she would cheat and lie about it. And that brings me to the story this almost is (and Color Clouds, please indulge me as I tinker with your fic--I hope you won't mind!)
We open with our narrator, Royal Pin. It's his POV. And what does he tell us?
Pinkie is his "girlfriend," but
--she hasn't told him she loves him;
--she hasn't even kissed him;
--he says she broke a Pinkie Pie promise that she says she never made;
--he's angry enough to set off a bomb (basically) and slash the mare he "loves" across the eye;
--he shows no remorse;
--his family "abandoned" him;
--he hides out in his house, imagining that everyone hates him;
--months later, he still feels "she had it comin'."
He is, to say the least, an unreliable narrator. So what if--
--Pinkie really WASN'T his girlfriend? Like, ever. At all.
You only have to tweak a few lines to read the story this way, and Pinny becomes a crazed stalker who has imagined this romantic relationship with a kind pony who has done nothing but try to be friends with him. If you remove Pinkie's admission that she cheated, almost all her other lines about being sorry for disappointing him, about trying to explain to Cheese about poor Pinny, that there's been a misunderstanding . . .do you see what I mean? Pinkie's friends' reactions start to make sense, too.
And THIS I would believe, perhaps because I've touched on this myself: Pinkie is so universally friendly and openly affectionate to everypony that it's easy to imagine that someone could mistake her friendly behavior for something else. It's why my Cheese (both human and pony versions) doesn't leap to the assumption that she is being nice to him, ergo, he is her boyfriend. He bends over backwards assuming the opposite: that they are "just friends" unless she says otherwise, and that being Pinkie's friend, especially being one of her best friends, is one of the best possible things in the world.
Frankly, this is something I'd like to see in more Pinkie shipfics. Most of the time the fic simply takes it for granted that Pinkie is interested in a romantic way. I've hardly ever seen the other party OR the narrative take into consideration that maybe she isn't.
Anyhoo, it's certainly a different fic, especially since Pinkie's not the crazed killer here, and I'll be interested to see what you do next, Color Clouds.
I'm not really into the dramatic stuff, but this was really amazing! You definitely earned a favorite from me
................damn.
O_O Damn! that's intense please write more soon cheespie ftw!
This is great!! Keep up the good work!
(by the way, I'm CheeseAccordion on deviantart
)
I always make this mistake too, but It's "a lot" (two words).
So...the sudden southern "partner" comes up? ...Okay...
This sentence only has one space below the one above it, I don't know if you meant to do that or what...but, you did. Just sayin'.
So anyway, pretty good story considering it's your only one. There are a few more grammar mistakes, however. I saw your hype on deviantart and I thought, "Hey, this looks pretty cool." It wasn't quite what I was expecting, but not in a bad way. I'm not such a good writer, but I can see you have potential. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading. This'll get a thumbs up, because I did like it. I'll also start following you because I'm interested to see what you'll do next. Continue the good work!!!
I recommend reading some of shortskirtsandexplosions work. Maybe pick up a few good tips.
4738645 Also, you should totally do that!!! It would be really cool.
4962887 Well, of course, I wouldn't even think of it without asking Color-Clouds, since it's her story (if you don't already know, she is an awesome artist!) And I am so backed up with the writing I'm already supposed to be doing. I don't think I'll touch anything until after my EG fic is done. But thanks--that's a nice thing to say.