Tartarus is guarded by the three headed dog Cerberus.
But an ancient evil is on its' way back to the surface.
And only a pony older then Equestria can stop it.
Chapters (15)
- Member Since 25th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 9th, 2014
Optimistic Pessimist
Like all of you here, I watch My little Pony. And like all of you here, I have little stories that I write in my head. But like many ideas, mine are no good in my head. So I write them down.
Optimistic Pessimist
Joined 25th Feb, 2012 ·
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A good story, it has potential.
Question though, It says during the first paragraphs: The bell rung above the school yard, and all the little children and fillies filed in from the schoolyard.
Then it goes on to say: "Good afternoon class!" All the little fillies turned their heads.
It doesn't mention any colts in these sentences but goes on to say: A skinny pegasus colt raised his hoof.
Is that just a slight-of-hand you forgot or did i miss something?
451833
good catch. Let me change that.
Alright, these first five chapters were good, but they felt a little rushed. I'm hoping to see where this goes.
yay mythology!!!
cant wait for more!
Love stories that begin with "it's just a legend...and probably isn't real" because you know that suddenly: things are gunna ged gud.
Berry Punch? With gunpowder? What madness is this...!?
Yay iceboarding! Cyroxim coulda been more considerate and added some powder though...
A bit cheesy, that ending was.
I dunno. I felt like this story was somehow limited. the idea and concept were great enough to be a standalone with completely new characters However, because mane 6 were used, it felt a bit forced and rushed; it didn't really match their personalities and went a bit against the grain.
The character with the best and most characterization in this story was Cyroxim. That's probably because he's a an OC and you were forced to seriously consider his attributes and how he would react. As such, he had the most believable actions and seemed most thought out. In contrast, the mane 6 seemed kinda just thrown in there for lolz and didn't really contribute to the story. The part of the other 5 fighting with new-fangled weapons never introduced in the canon could have been cut out with negligible impact on overall story.
There's too much known about the Mane6 and too much backstory and characterization that's already built up for them in both canon and fanon. This works against you when you're building a creative story that also appeals to readers. You got away with it in Evil Lyra because those were minor characters the story could be built such that it also required substantive characterization to make the story flow. That was missing for this one.
The concept also made be raise an eyebrow. Fighting evil with hate?
Anyway. Decent story.
504490
That is my only problem. I rush everything. I can't do anything slowly or perfectly.
I really need to take time, sit down and think things through.
I appreciate critique, but at this point, it's kind of like I know what to expect.
Thanks for reading! I'll try to slow down my everything.
504512 You know, there's nothing wrong at all with NOT trying to write the entire story before posting it! (Madness, right?
)
Instead, have the overarching plot in the back of your mind (which I'm sure you usually have already) and release each chapter as it comes out. The downside (for you that is), is that you'd have to make each chapter longer and focus on the details to make it good - serialization at it's finest!
504675
I'm not really sure if you mean, "Finish the story before posting it."
Or, "Finish it while it's up."
Care to clarify?
504775 I mean have some overarching plot in mind (which can be subject to change): eg the overarching plot for whole of Harry Potter series would be: boy wizard injured by Evil Overlord. Injury binds them. Injury leads to defeat of Evil Overlord. Happily Ever After. The End.
However, notice how the story hasn't actually been written or even come close to being written...
You would basically be posting chapters as you write them, after your satisfied with the chapters. Think serialization, eg Charles Dickens' novels.
Does that make any more sense to you? If not, feel free to ask what's confusing you and I'll try to clarify more.