BBBFF and the Foalsitter
Dear Diary Vol. V,
Like your previous four brethren, I wish to fill you with my super secret thoughts that will remain hidden from the world until time itself has passed away, and all has fallen into darkness and despair. So, if you're reading this and you aren't me or Smarty Pants, hooves or horn auras off, buster!
Now then, to business. I feel that it is important of me to note that I find life around my house quite frustrating most of the time (for more information on that, see Vols 3 and 4) as my life-givers constantly neglect to give me much attention. They always have parties to go to or social work gatherings to make sure that we "move up in the world," whatever that means. Well, Diary Vol. V, I sure showed them when I became Princess Celestia's personal student! Now it was I who didn't have time for them! I found that I could not really relish this simple victory of mine, as they responded by getting me a foalsitter when they weren't home instead of just leaving me in the care of BBBFF.
And what a foalsitter.
I know she has a name, but for the life of me, Diary Vol. V, I cannot remember what it is. A tragic failing in my opinion, as she has foalsat me over thirty times now. I'm pretty sure it starts with a C. Maybe a K. In either case, tonight was one of the nights that she foalsat me, but unlike most nights, BBBFF was here with us. Most nights he's off playing adult army, but tonight he said he was "on leave."
So BBBFF and I had already been left alone by the life-givers when the foalsitter showed up. BBBFF bounced towards the door like he was made of helium, or some other equally light gas, and opened it for her. I walked up behind him and was symbolically blasted by the foalsitter's obscenely chipper aura. I dutifully did that little dance she taught me the first night she foalsat me, remembering with no lack of unease the consequences of not humoring her in that area, and stuck my tongue out when she pecked BBBFF on the cheek.
Seriously, Diary Vol. V. Kissing is so disgusting! I have no idea why BBBFF grinned like a mindless neanderpony and pecked her back. Despicable, uncivilized behavior. That's what that was.
With the unpleasantries out of the way, we retired to the sitting room, and the foalsitter gifted me with a little toy Celestia. I admit that I found some delight in the gift. I do have an admiration for Princess Celestia. Strictly professional, mind you, but I admire her. She's a wonderful teacher. Better than my mean old teacher and her stupid multiplication tables! Princess Celestia teaches me how to do amazing magic! My old teacher forced me to multiply by fives!
But I digress.
Despite my liking for the gift, I put double the joy into the thanks than I felt (see note about "humoring her" above) and began pretending that Princess Celestia was teaching Smarty Pants about the sun. Even with my provided distraction, I did not miss the looks that BBBFF and the foalsitter were exchanging. Yuck. I could almost feel the cooties flying through the air like lightning bolts.
That's when it got worse. In hindsight, Diary Vol. V, I shouldn't have had my new Celestia give Smarty Pants that lecture. Either that or I should have picked a lengthier topic. Maybe then I could have avoided the visual and auditory horrors to come. With me distracted in their minds, the foalsitter and BBBFF told me that they'd be right back. I thought nothing of it at the time, and had Celestia just keep telling Smarty Pants that the sun was really, really, REALLY hot while they went upstairs. I thought that they'd just give each other the icky googly eyes for a few minutes in private, then they'd come back down and feed me like the life-givers were supposed to.
That didn't turn out to be the case, sadly enough.
I waited for a good... well, I don't know how long it was. Long enough that Celestia ran out of ways to tell Smarty Pants that the sun was big and hot. With those facts settled for Smarty Pants once and for all, I began to get rather bored and hungry. I knew where BBBFF and the foalsitter went off to, so I climbed the stairs to go to BBBFF's room. In a drastic oversight on his part, BBBFF left his door open a crack, allowing me to nose it open a little bit more without alerting them to my presence.
I should mention that I've now observed the foalsitter and BBBFF attempting to ingest one another's tongues. If this is adulthood, it's really gross! The noises and what their hooves were doing too was just... ug! My fragile, impressionable filly mind was becoming more warped by the second just looking at the animalistic scene before me!
But somehow it got worse! BBBFF whispered in the foalsitter's ear that I was still downstairs and that once I got started on a lecture I could go for hours, a slight exaggeration, so they had some time. What they moved on to... well, I don't want to even describe it, but suffice to say, I don't ever want to jump on BBBFF's bed ever again! The fun of that is gone now! Thanks, BBBFF and foalsitter; you've collectively crushed one of my cherished foalhood memories now and forever! I hope you're pleased!
I don't know when I managed to tear my eyes away from the Hoofcraftian scene before me, but my head hung low and my ears were flat as I trudged down the stairs, a much more worldly filly than when I had walked up. I think I have a new spell in mind for Princess Celestia to teach me when we have our lesson next week, Diary Vol. V: a spell to erase memories.
In due time, BBBFF and the foalsitter came back down and fed me detestable lies about their activities in the same voracious quantities as they would soon be feeding me those disgusting green beans that my female life-giver forces me to consume as petty revenge for turning her into a potted plant the day I got my cutie mark. At least, I'm pretty sure that's why she makes me eat them.
As I nibbled on my stringy green torture, I looked suspiciously between BBBFF and the foalsitter. They were still grinning at each other, both thinking that they had gotten away with their reprehensible act, but they failed to be careful in the slightest. I vowed to make them pay for what they had subjected me to, and I still do, Diary Vol. V. Green beans are out as revenge, since they seem to like them, figures, but I'll get them back.
Someday. I just gotta think of how. Maybe I can ask Princess Celestia about all of this and see what she thinks. She knows the foalsitter, I think. She'd know what to do.
Whatever. The life-givers are back, and I'm supposed to be in bed. We'll talk more tomorrow, Diary Vol. V.
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This is hilarious, and strange, but mostly hilarious, but also entirely strange.
Well that was written.
*my thought process throughout this one-shot
You my good sir have done an excellent job with combining comedy and cuteness.
Haha, the "life givers" hah. The code names were graet and this was adorable and well written as usual
Haha, Loved it, I hope there will be more.
good, good, now how about some Jackie
!
Huh. This was certainly something
Poor Twilight though
Lol, gotta love filly Twi.
Oh now this made me laugh
Can we has moar plz?:lunahopeful2:
This fanfic has an Oswald style point of view.
Felt like Twilight was Stewie Griffin here
Twilight is a bit cynical but good comedy
The whole fic was really funny and cute , but this line
made me laugh so hard.
Also I really want to see a sequel where Twilight asks Celestia about what Shining Armor and Cadance did. I can only imagine Celestia's reaction.
Um, I'm a bit worried about Cadence right now, is it safe for Twi to be left alone with her? Also, Twilight doesn't seem as smart as she should be in this, I mean, how can she not remember Cadence's name.
4607095
I think its just a play on the fact she never means anyone's names besides smarty pants and princess Celestia. Plus, she seems not to like her so why would she remember her name.
4607401
I think the author is referring to when, in "A Canterlot Wedding", Twilight does not realize that Cadence was her old foalsitter. Despite the fact they seem quite close...
4607095
4607401
4607644 It's a nod to the cards upon which this story is based.
This is both adorable and .. peculiar. I also read the entire thing in the voie of one Patricia Tannis.
I don't regret it.
Filly Twilight is adorable, the combination of her childness and Twilightness (and I don't care that those aren't real words, they should be) is brilliant.
Bizarre and cute, bravo.
4607984 I had the same reaction. Her voice matched the tone and oddness of the story perfectly. At least we didn't have to search for five different parts of the journal to read the whole thing this time.
I gotta say it... Cadance foal sitted for Twi before she got her cutie mark. THERE I'M TERRIBLE!
Awesome little fic, though <3
Are there other parts to this like vol 3 or something like that?
4617084 No. Just what I wrote for the contest. If you look at all of the blurbs on the cards, all of them are fictional. I just made one blurb real.
Oh and is your Pic the scp plague doctor?
4619498 yup
Is he one of the hardest to get by?
Heh. I knew about the game before the fic; played it with a couple of friends. It was fun. This story was funner.
Will there be more!?
Im loving this!
I just wanted you to know, I didn't understand this, but it still made me cry.
At long last we know the real reason Twilight never mentioned Shining to her friends until the wedding.
4873127
Filly Twilight caught her brother and Princess Cadence doing the horizontal monster mash, to put it simply.
8223096
That's the funniest way of putting it omg I couldn't stop laughing, of all the ways to put it I wouldn't of thought of the monster mash
“that my life-givers dump me with constantly.“
(Taken from desc)
Pfft- I haven’t even read it yet and that line is amazing!