Celestia's daughter is sent to ponyville to learn from the mane 6. While there she begans to fall in love with a certain farmpony.
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kataang1
Joined 28th Oct, 2011 ·
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I was thinking Big Mac. Then I saw he wasn't there and realised that this is probably gonna turn out to be a ship fic.
Seems a good start to me, and don't worry about Mary Sue above here, if she is Celestia daughter she SHOULD be powerful.
And maybe a little rebellious, witch she is.
60243
Thanks, for the nice comment. That's what i was thinking, cause she would be an alicorn since she is celestia's daughter.
Heh, I like the thought of an Aunty Luna
60214
We could assume... that the castle they were at is another one somewhere else, used as a vacation home or something.
I'd like to see more of the Celestia-Filia relationship, and in agreement with that starcraft guy, expand more on Jacob.
But, being myself an ametuer, I may have no idea what I'm talking about, so do what you like, just keep on writing.
Jolly good show, old chap!
When someone is about to speak, like this:
[Wall of text]
[space]
["Insert speech here"]-{Then followed by that characters expression or action.}
[space]
[Another wall of text]
I also want to say that we didn't get a proper introduction (maybe a little prologue would have been nice so we atleast know how the story behind Dawn before this one.)
60344
I was planning on that being told throughout the story as well as what her relationship with her mom used to be. Maybe even her as a filly.
ya hate to say it but i feels rushed maby you could expand apon each event you know like the party go through the whole flutter shy meeting shyness most successful oc ficts ive read/gone over thrive on background facts you have to make it feel like this is the first time shes visited ponyvill from what i get it like reading a third person account you just need to be more descriptive and go back into the story to improve things id recommend getting a prof reader
I like it in the pejorative sense.
It does kinda feel a bit rushed, you one second we're talking with Luna and then BOOM! We're at a carriage! Then suddenly we're at Ponyville! I kind of agree with 60385 you might need a pre-reader/prof-reader, trust me they help. A lot.
I can be a pre-reader and I need a pre-reader. Unfortunately I am kinda dumb as I don't exactly know if it's just reading and checking for errors in a story, or if it's more. Meh.
i actually like the idea of an ACTUAL princess, but I still don't understand one thing:
Who the **** is the father?!
kataang1 you know im not sure how much time i have split between Gypsy Ponies and Tramps, and MarineMarksman's story's but i might be able to squeeze in your story if i can find the time life gets crazy sometimes also rule of thumb if 60693 corrects i could go over structure and expanding the story its good to have a few eyes
you can never have too many pre/proof readers
60693
Are you saying you want to proof read my story. Or what?
60767
That would be totally awesome!
Yay! Really?
60742
I'll get to that.
60809 sure id be nice to have a little help with it though ive been getting swamped lately how about this tomorrow or the day after i should have time to help go over your story
then again if tonight goes good i might be able to go over it
60900
Thanks.
Anyday is good. There is no rush.
Sigh, prepare for critique.
In any good story there is a balance, --a balance between showing, and telling. Some writers prefer to tip one way over the other, which is fine as it builds a certain style to their writing. However, many writers just starting out tend to tip a little too far (usually towards the latter) and end up making the story unbalanced. You are someone who is leaning far too towards telling.
A good comparison of the two I've heard goes something like this:
Telling- "The witch was evil."
Showing- "The witch ate numerous live puppies for the fun of it."
While it's fine to tell, simply blurting out how the characters feel about something is.. Well.. Blurting it out. It doesn't leave any place for the story to go or to develop. You're not giving the characters enough time to become interesting and to develop interactions, and in doing so, you're creating an unlikable protagonist.
Filia practically oozes "Mary Sue"-dom. You're dealing with a character who is the child and daughter of not only royalty, but practically a Goddess. Now, you could argue that she has negative traits, and yes, she does. This is a good thing, nay, a great thing! However, a negative trait is only a negative if that trait actually has an effect!
Say Fluttershy was written as shy, but she didn't act like it. Would she be shy?
The problem with the introductions (other than the fact they're incredibly rushed) is not that the Mane 6 aren't in character, but rather the opposite. They're so exaggerated and "incharacter" they're not! The thing about fanfiction is that it has to keep aspects of the show itself, rather than writing an entirely new world. You aren't writing the characters, you're writing exaggerations of them to the point where it's not even the same character. The development is poor, and the backstory is rushed.
Filia acts like a child despite supposedly having the maturity of an average "adult pony", and yet she gets no repercussions for this behavior. She acts incredibly vain and even brinks on jealousy in her thoughts, complaining and whining about everything from the fact she doesn't like her would-be suitor's eye's to the fact that his coat is nearly her's color. However, it's not the fact that she does this that makes her so frustrating (though it does contribute) it's the fact that she doesn't face ANYTHING for it. Take this bit for example:
"“I may have way more style sense than you, and be more creative but that doesn’t mean I’m not a fast flyer. You want attitude, I will give you attitude.”
I expanded my wings open and took flight off into the air, I circled around trees making the leaves shake and most of them falling off. I dove up into the clouds and burst through them until they spelt Filia. I gently landed on my feet in front of the rainbow haired pony."
Other than the fact the paragraph before this Rainbow Dash is acting OOC, Filia is being RUDE. A "Oh, well alright then!" is not in order. This is show off, boasty behavior, and wouldn't be received with kindness (no matter who's daughter she is). If the daughter of a political figure walked up to you and you stated something like, "Well I bet ya can't run very fast", a "I'm far better than you in *every* *way*, but that doesn't mean I can't run faster!" is just even ruder and you would find her ruder for that.
It's midnight where I am, so I'm going to cut this short, but please sit back down and look over this. Write an outline if you have to, catch your own grammar mistakes, get a prereader who can catch slip ups in your grammar. Sorry if this was a bit harsh, but good luck in your future endeavors as well. We all have to start somewhere, and I hope to see your name pop up on greater works as time goes by.
61132
I'm re-reading the story... and then I'm reading this comment... and I agree. Although I don't know for sure what a Mary Sue Character is, despite looking it up, and I do not think alicorns are gods, Just long-lived. This criticism is helpful to me as well.
And in answer to 60808 I would love to be pre-reader! But alas, I may not be able to get around to it with all I have to do. And I still wouldn't be sure if, like I said, it's just checking for errors and grammar mistakes, or if it's more than that. Someone help this idiot out! It may be simple, but I always would like something to be confirmed, so I know I'm not doing wrong. Assistance, please?
this is very good i hope you finish it soon
61192
Well, Neverknown said that you could check for error and grammatical mistakes while she did the rest of the stuff.
61731 she.......she is a He O_O
61817
Sorry.
Oop.
um is thi awsome story going to get updated and get new chaptes, cause this story reeks of awsomeness and potential, well done.
I typed my birth year as the story number and this came up......I'll check it out.