A new pony in town

by kataang1

Arriving in Ponyville

Filia POV
“Filia! Open this door right now!” I knew my mom was trying to open the door with magic, but I had magic too. I flicked the channels of the television and ignored her. When I was a filly I used to be scared of her angry voice, I used to cry and worry if i upset her. Now? I simply don't care. “If this door isn’t open by the time I get the guards you are in so much trouble!”
“Oooh. I’m so scared.” I rolled my eyes as I heard Mom groan and walk off.
A few minutes later, I heard a light knock on the door. “It’s Luna.”
"Did mom send you up here?" I asked.
"Of course not."
I unlocked and open the door. Luna was so much easier to relate to, she was younger and she understood me, while my mom just argued with me, and when I still didn't listen she yelled. She also understood how fast mom was quick to punish. Like sending her problems away.
I crossed my hooves as Luna came and sat next to me.
“I really think you should go to Ponyville. The ponies there are really nice, they helped me get used to the world being different.”
I sighed. “Mom will make me anyway, I can fight her but I don't really have a choice.” I lifted my bag onto my back and stood up. “I’ll miss you Luna.” I nuzzled her. I really would miss her, she was more like a best friend to me, than an aunt. All the other ponies were snobby here.
“Just remember, Celestia only does the things she does because she loves you.” Luna said, but I didn’t quite believe her. Anger grew inside of me. I couldn't believe she would take her side on this! She was agreeing with her when she knew why I was going!
"Because somehow sending you to the moon was out of love." I knew what I said was harsh, and that I would regret saying them to her.
I took my time walking down the stairs and met my mom in front of the carriage.
“I love you and I'll miss you.” She hugged me, and I kind of hugged her back.
"Then why are you making me go?" I pleaded one last time.
I opened the door to the carriage and saw Prince Jacob. I immediately slammed the door and turned to face my mom.
“What is he doing?!” I yelled at my mother.
“He is there to give you some company on your ride.” She explained.
“Well, i don't want his company! The guards can give me company!”
“Just enjoy your ride.” Mom nudged me in the carriage and slammed the car door.
I sat as far away from him as possible pulled a book out from my bag and started to read. I couldn’t even concentrate on the words with that jerk sitting even in the same carriage as me. He just kept looking at me. A sharp turn made him scoot against me and he casually acted like it threw his hoof on my leg. I looked down at it and he smiled.
“Put the book down. Let’s talk, I won’t see you until you come back.” He removed it from my hooves and threw it onto the floor of the carriage. I was annoyed but I just let him talk.
"The absolute funniest thing happened to Prince Blueblood ate the Grand Galloping Gala..." I began to tune him out. I started counting the flowers on the inside of the carriage I was so bored.
One, two, Three, Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen-
"Isn't that the greatest?" He exclaimed while he busted out laughing.
"Yes, sure." I faked a laugh.
"I am so glad that didn't happen to me. I mean eating common food, gross. It's just awful you have to spend time in that lower class town of Ponyvile." He shuttered.
This was going to be a very, long ride.
All he did was talk about himself, not that I was really paying attention to him anyways, but his cutie mark should be a mirror he is so hooked on himself. Everything about him I couldn't stand. His smug grin, his black mane with one blue streak, I hated that his coat ws the same shade of white as mine, His pointed ears, and I really didn't like the shade of brown his eyes were.
I couldn’t wait for this ride to be over. The carriage stopped really hard and Prince Jacob fell into me. Our snouts met and he ran his hoof through my mane and down my back. The door opened and a guard stood there, shocked.
“I’m so sorry Miss Filia. I can come back.” He went to shut the door.
“No!” I ran out of the carriage gagging, not even saying anything to Prince Jacobs. I ran my hoof across my mouth trying to get the taste out of my mouth.
A purple unicorn with dark purple mane, with one blue and one pink streak greeted me.
“Hello! I’m Twilight Parkle, I mean Sparkle, you can call me Twilight. Let me take that heavy bag off your back.” She went to take my teal colored bag with my Paint splatter cutie mark.
“No, I’m fine. I don’t want to be treated differently than any other pony.” Twilight gulped.
A band of musicians came out and started playing welcoming music. A very pink pony came out hopping and greeted me by throwing confetti in my face and two Pegasus appeared above her with a banner that read: WELCOME PRINCESS FILIA DAWN!!
I moaned and more ponies came out to see me.
“I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m here to throw you a very awesome party and make you feel at home! You are a princess of Equestria, and I will throw you parties that will make you want to stay, it will be the best so far, so please enjoy your stay! It will be so fun-“
“Pinkie!” Twilight Sparkle tried to calm her and get her to stop singing.
“Oh, yes, Twiiiiiilight?” Pinkie drug out the “I”s in her name.
“Miss Filia Dawn wants to be treated like everypony with no special treatment.”
“But I give everypony a party.” The very curly haired pony turned her head in question.
“I know.”
“Look at her bag! How Fab-oulous! The kind of clothes you must have being the princess daughter and all.” The white unicorn with perfectly styled purple hair came and examined my bag.
“This is Rarity. The fashionita of Ponyville.”
“Pleased to meet you. You have such great fashion sense!”
"Thank you." I replied.
A teal pegasus flew down and skitted to a stop a few inches away from my face. I backed up and she turned her head.
“This is Celestia’s daughter? She doesn’t look like she has very much of an attitude, and what is up with her wings can she even get ninety miles per hour?”
Twilight’s eyes grew so big they looked like they were going to pop out of her head and a few ponies gasped.
“I may have way more style sense than you, and be more creative but that doesn’t mean I’m not a fast flyer. You want attitude, I will give you attitude.”
I expanded my wings open and took flight off into the air, I circled around trees making the leaves shake and most of them falling off. I dove up into the clouds and burst through them until they spelt Filia. I gently landed on my feet in front of the rainbow haired pony.
“You’re not so bad. Rainbow Dash.” She extended her hoof to me and I shook it. Twilight trotted over to me and moved us through the crowd.
“Let’s go get you settled.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Sonic Rainboom!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I looked around and saw books all piled around me and immediately realized where I was. I threw the covers off and got out of bed. I trotted down the stairs and saw Twilight with her nose in a book.
She turned to face me.
“You’re up! Would you like me to make you breakfast?”
“That’s okay. I would like to take a tour of Ponyville.” I smiled and was about to walk out when I turned around. “Thank you. I know you had a lot planned.”
“Not really.” She kicked a book on how to welcome a special guest underneath a bookcase.

Many ponies looked at me as I marched by and some of them whispered. I fluttered my wings and flew instead of walking. Being up in the open air would be better. I saw a neat little restaurant, and stopped there to get some breakfast.
“Hello, Madame.” He set down a menu, “Any thing to drink?”
I quickly looked over the menu, and found a drink choice.
“Pineapple juice, please.” He smiled and left. I glanced around the outside, glad I chose to sit outside instead to see more of Ponyville. I watched ponies buzz around flying, some who casually strolled.
My waiter came back and gave me my juice. “Thank you.”
He nodded, “Are you ready to order?”
“Yes. A grilled cheese with an applesauce.” He took my menu in his mouth and hurried off.
I had just finished my food as a letter popped out of the air and landed on my plate. My horn glowed as I pulled off the string and opened the letter.
Filia,
How do you like Ponyville? I have faith that Twilight has welcomed you, and made you feel at home. One of my loyal guards told me he saw you and Prince Jacob seemed to be getting along very well. I assume you have changed your mind about him? I’ve missed you back at home.
Love, Mom
I crumbled up the paper and threw it into the trashcan. She probably told the guards to be rough on the way to Ponyville, just so something like that would happen. I put money on the table started to fly back to the library.

“There is a package for you.” Twilight smiled and pushed it towards me.
I saw that the container was a crate with a few holes in it.
“Star!” I opened up the box and my furry black and white spotted hamster popped out.
I put my hoof on the edge of the box and she crawled up my leg and up onto my head.
“Twilight, this is my pet hamster, Star.”
“Nice to meet you.” Twilight laughed and I started to walk up to where I was staying.
“Filia?” I turned around at the base of the stairs.
“Yeah?”
“What is your cutie mark for?”She twisted her hoof around nervously. I giggled, I had expected something much more serious.
“You mean why is there paint and not a royal mark like my mother or aunt?” Twilight just nodded, “I don’t have a duty to raise the sun or lower the moon. Eventually I will take over my mother’s duty but it still isn’t the one thing that makes me special. I’m an artist, that’s my very unique talent.”
“I would love to see your work.” Twilight smiled as Dash opened the door and flew in.
“Hey, Filia. Wanna fly with me?”
“Okay.” I waved to Twilight as I flew out the door.
“We’re going to meet up with Fluttershy at her house.” I wasn’t sure who Fluttershy was but I was sure I would meet her eventually and they obvious knew her well.
I did a few flips and twirls, while flying. I love the feeling of the wind in my face and the way it blew threw my long pink mane. We stopped at a small little cottage with a chicken coop in the front. There seemed to be bird, bunnies, squirrels and all kinds of little creatures running around the place. Rainbow crashed down on the floor and rang the doorbell, I stayed hovering above the house as a yellow pony came out.
“Oh, hi Rainbow. I’ll just be a minute.” She grabbed a basket and shut the door. Fluttershy flew up and avoided eye contact with me.
“I’m Filia.”
“I'm uh, Fluttershy.” She whispered so low I could barely hear her.
Star peeked out of my mane.
“Hi, little guy.” Star jumped up onto Fluttershy.
"He really seems to like you."
"I uh, sort of have a gift for that." She whispered.
"That's nice." I felt a bit awkward she was holding my hamster but still avoiding eye contact with me. She also wouldn't speak above an almost silent whisper.
We had reached a farm with acres and acres of apple trees. There was a big newly painted barn. Ponies were all over the field throughout the trees kicking them. We flew down and walked through the gate.
“Howdy, there. I’m Apple Jack.” She was balancing a juicy red apple on the top of her head and she rolled it down her back and off her tail and she flung it at me and it hit my horn and got stuck there. "Sorry. I reckoned you'd catch that."
The four of us headed back to Twilight’s house. Fluttershy talked to Star almost the whole way. I opened the door first and everypony yelled surprise. I jumped back as I wasn’t expecting it.
“Told ya, I was going to throw you a mega awesome party. You said you wanted to be treated like everypony, I only invited us.” The sneaky Pinkie smiled. “Let’s play the first game! Truth or dare!” I now know why her cutie mark is balloons.
We all sat in a circle and Pinkie told me to go first because it was my party.
“Okay.” I didn’t really know them too well but I thought I would give it a shot. I choose someone who I figured I could relate to. “Rarity. Truth or dare?”
“Dare.” I tried to think of a really good dare for a fashion forward pony like her.
“Dye your hair green. With the temporary dye, of course.”
“This is the worst possible thing!” She frowned.
“I can do it with a spell.” Twilight reassured her. “It will only last a day.”
“Fine, fine. Just hurry.” Twilight closed her eyes as her horn glowed. Rarity rushed to a mirror as soon as she was finished. There was a loud screech, and then she sat down and sighed.
“Apple, truth or dare?”
“Dare.” Apple Jack showed off her bravery after Rarity’s dare.
“I dare you to go a whole week without bucking a single apple tree.”
“Can do, but i don't know how the harvest will do with out me.” Apple turned to Fluttershy and she cowered.
“Truth or dare.”
“Truth.” Futtershy squeaked, clearly scared.
“Do you have a crush on my brother, Big Macintosh?” Fluttershy buried her face in her hooves and nodded.
“Ye hah! I always knew it.”
“Since Fluttershy is scarred for life, I’ll go. Filia, Truth or dare.” I looked at Pinkie hoping she wouldn’t be too harsh.
“Truth.”
“What's your favorite color?” Dash had shock on her face.
“Whoa. No, that’s too easy. That won’t fly with me here. How about-“ Rainbow tapped her hoof on her chin thinking of a good response. “Why were you really sent here? Did you steal something? Did you break something? I know! She was embarrassed of something really horrid you did!”
“No! None of that! I refused to marry Prince Jacob. The marriage will join Equestria and his kingdom, Horseland.”
“But that’s so unfair!” Pinkie pie sprung up.
“My mom says that everypony has to make sacrifices for their kingdom, After that we were never close. We argued all the time. She sent me here to learn how to get along with him from you all.”
"Well, darling. If he is anything like that Blue Blood then I don't blame you." Rarity spoke up.
“That’s just ain’t right.” Apple Jack said.
“That’s the way it is! It doesn’t matter how fair or right it is! I can’t avoid it, my mom will see this isn’t going to work out here and bring me back! Once she brings me back I won’t have a choice anymore.” I laid down with my hooves over my snout.
“I’m sorry, sugar cube. We will drop the subject now.” Apple Jack nudged me.
“Thank you.”
“Instead of being down in the dumpities, let’s play pin the tale on the pony!” Pinkie Pie bounced back and begun to get out party stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Sonic Rainboom~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Hey, Apple Jack. Twilight said you have some Granny Smith apples for us.” I said as I walked through Sweet apple acres.
“Wh-what did she say?” An older green pony shouted.
“Nothing Granny! She just wants some apples! I have some fresh ones for you, I just gotta buck them for ya! Oops, I can't 'cause of Rarity's dare.”
“I could try.”
“Well, sure. That's a good idea! Just be careful. Carmel is up on the hill near the granny smith trees. He’ll help ya out.”
“Thanks AJ.” I galloped up the hill and tried to find a pony named Carmel. “Carmel?” I called out.
I saw a pony poke his head out from behind a tree, he was a light yellowish tan colored pony with dark brown hair. He had bright blue eyes, and a three horseshoe cutie mark.
“Hello there! What can I do for you?” He smiled.
"Applejack said you could help me buck some apples."
"Yep, Can do. Follow me."." He started cantered down the path to a patch over bright green apples. “Apple bucking is pretty simple, you just gotta know how to do it.”
He stood right in front of the tree and dug his front hooves right into the ground. He put his hind legs together and kicked the tree. Apples rained down and one bonked him on the head. He rubbed his head and nodded towards a tree behind me. “Try it with that tree behind ya. Just try not to let ‘em fall on ya.”
I dug my hooves into the ground, put my back hooves together and aimed at the tree. Apparently, it was harder than it looked. I skimmed the tree and fell down on my face.
“Um, good try.” He helped me up.
“I didn’t think kicking a tree would be that hard.” He laughed.
“Well, it ain’t really it just takes a couple tries. This time just make sure you are aiming at the tree.”
I tried it again, but this time I made sure my hooves were right and that my hind legs were aligned with the tree. This time I actually hit the tree. A lot less apples fell down than when Carmel did it but I still made a few fall down.
“I did it!” I jumped up and down with excitement.
“Good Job. How many apples do ya need?”
“About a basket full.” He walked over to a tree and grabbed the empty basket and put it underneath the tree.
“Just keep kicking ‘til this basket is full. I’ll catch any that doesn’t make it in the basket.”
Eventually, the basket was full.
“This was more tiring than it looks.”
“Yep.” His brown mane bounced when he nodded.
“Well, thank you for helping me.”
“No, problem…” He gave me a curious look as he waited for my name. I didn’t even realize I had never introduced myself.
“How rude, I’m sorry. My name’s Filia.”
“You’re the princess that came into town!” He leaned down and bowed.
“No, no. Please get up, I just want to be treated like everypony.” He stood up and shook my hoof.
“Sorry, Ma’am.” I sighed.
“No, Ma’am. Just Filia or Dawn.”
“Alrighty, then Dawn.” He smiled.
“I have always liked Dawn better, Mom insist I introduce myself as my birth name. Filia is harder to say.”
“That’s true.”
“I should probably take these apples back to Twilight’s house.”
“Sure, would you like a cart?”
“I will just carry them.” He went to pick up the basket of apples. “That’s alright I can get them.”
“I don’t mind.” I tried to get the apples on them but he insisted on trying to put them on his back and carry them.
“Really. It’s fine.” He was being so stubborn; he tried to start walking down the hill and stepped on my mane. “Oh. Carmel? You’re on my mane.”
“Sorry.” He lifted up his hoof and lost his balance. I reached out my hoof, attempting to catch him but he pulled me down with him. We rolled down the hill, entangled with each other. We came to a stop at the end of the hill and we laughed together at the whole thing. I looked at him above me as he put a piece of my mane behind my ear.
I began to feel all fluttery inside, suddenly he looked different. I didn't like the way I felt.I started to breathe heavy and rushed up.
“I should get back.” I ran away out of sweet apple acres.

Comments

[thatguyfromkfc]

I was thinking Big Mac. Then I saw he wasn't there and realised that this is probably gonna turn out to be a ship fic.

Seems a good start to me, and don't worry about Mary Sue above here, if she is Celestia daughter she SHOULD be powerful. And maybe a little rebellious, witch she is.

[kataang1]

60243
Thanks, for the nice comment. That's what i was thinking, cause she would be an alicorn since she is celestia's daughter.

Heh, I like the thought of an Aunty Luna

[Marisher]

60214
We could assume... that the castle they were at is another one somewhere else, used as a vacation home or something.

I'd like to see more of the Celestia-Filia relationship, and in agreement with that starcraft guy, expand more on Jacob.
But, being myself an ametuer, I may have no idea what I'm talking about, so do what you like, just keep on writing.
Jolly good show, old chap!

[GlitchyProductions]

When someone is about to speak, like this:
[Wall of text]
[space]
["Insert speech here"]-{Then followed by that characters expression or action.}
[space]
[Another wall of text]

I also want to say that we didn't get a proper introduction (maybe a little prologue would have been nice so we atleast know how the story behind Dawn before this one.)

[kataang1]

60344
I was planning on that being told throughout the story as well as what her relationship with her mom used to be. Maybe even her as a filly.

[NeverKnown]

ya hate to say it but i feels rushed maby you could expand apon each event you know like the party go through the whole flutter shy meeting shyness most successful oc ficts ive read/gone over thrive on background facts you have to make it feel like this is the first time shes visited ponyvill from what i get it like reading a third person account you just need to be more descriptive and go back into the story to improve things id recommend getting a prof reader

[Cherry Rie]

I like it in the pejorative sense.

[CluelessDetective]

It does kinda feel a bit rushed, you one second we're talking with Luna and then BOOM! We're at a carriage! Then suddenly we're at Ponyville! I kind of agree with 60385 you might need a pre-reader/prof-reader, trust me they help. A lot.

[Marisher]

I can be a pre-reader and I need a pre-reader. Unfortunately I am kinda dumb as I don't exactly know if it's just reading and checking for errors in a story, or if it's more. Meh.

[vicunasaber]

i actually like the idea of an ACTUAL princess, but I still don't understand one thing:
Who the **** is the father?!

[NeverKnown]

kataang1 you know im not sure how much time i have split between Gypsy Ponies and Tramps, and MarineMarksman's story's but i might be able to squeeze in your story if i can find the time life gets crazy sometimes also rule of thumb if 60693 corrects i could go over structure and expanding the story its good to have a few eyes
you can never have too many pre/proof readers

[kataang1]

60693
Are you saying you want to proof read my story. Or what?

[kataang1]

60767
Yay! Really? That would be totally awesome!

[kataang1]

60742
I'll get to that.

[NeverKnown]

60809 sure id be nice to have a little help with it though ive been getting swamped lately how about this tomorrow or the day after i should have time to help go over your story
then again if tonight goes good i might be able to go over it

[kataang1]

60900
Anyday is good. There is no rush. Thanks.

[Iconomachy]

Sigh, prepare for critique.

In any good story there is a balance, --a balance between showing, and telling. Some writers prefer to tip one way over the other, which is fine as it builds a certain style to their writing. However, many writers just starting out tend to tip a little too far (usually towards the latter) and end up making the story unbalanced. You are someone who is leaning far too towards telling.

A good comparison of the two I've heard goes something like this:
Telling- "The witch was evil."
Showing- "The witch ate numerous live puppies for the fun of it."

While it's fine to tell, simply blurting out how the characters feel about something is.. Well.. Blurting it out. It doesn't leave any place for the story to go or to develop. You're not giving the characters enough time to become interesting and to develop interactions, and in doing so, you're creating an unlikable protagonist.

Filia practically oozes "Mary Sue"-dom. You're dealing with a character who is the child and daughter of not only royalty, but practically a Goddess. Now, you could argue that she has negative traits, and yes, she does. This is a good thing, nay, a great thing! However, a negative trait is only a negative if that trait actually has an effect!

Say Fluttershy was written as shy, but she didn't act like it. Would she be shy?

The problem with the introductions (other than the fact they're incredibly rushed) is not that the Mane 6 aren't in character, but rather the opposite. They're so exaggerated and "incharacter" they're not! The thing about fanfiction is that it has to keep aspects of the show itself, rather than writing an entirely new world. You aren't writing the characters, you're writing exaggerations of them to the point where it's not even the same character. The development is poor, and the backstory is rushed.

Filia acts like a child despite supposedly having the maturity of an average "adult pony", and yet she gets no repercussions for this behavior. She acts incredibly vain and even brinks on jealousy in her thoughts, complaining and whining about everything from the fact she doesn't like her would-be suitor's eye's to the fact that his coat is nearly her's color. However, it's not the fact that she does this that makes her so frustrating (though it does contribute) it's the fact that she doesn't face ANYTHING for it. Take this bit for example:

"“I may have way more style sense than you, and be more creative but that doesn’t mean I’m not a fast flyer. You want attitude, I will give you attitude.”
I expanded my wings open and took flight off into the air, I circled around trees making the leaves shake and most of them falling off. I dove up into the clouds and burst through them until they spelt Filia. I gently landed on my feet in front of the rainbow haired pony."

Other than the fact the paragraph before this Rainbow Dash is acting OOC, Filia is being RUDE. A "Oh, well alright then!" is not in order. This is show off, boasty behavior, and wouldn't be received with kindness (no matter who's daughter she is). If the daughter of a political figure walked up to you and you stated something like, "Well I bet ya can't run very fast", a "I'm far better than you in *every* *way*, but that doesn't mean I can't run faster!" is just even ruder and you would find her ruder for that.

It's midnight where I am, so I'm going to cut this short, but please sit back down and look over this. Write an outline if you have to, catch your own grammar mistakes, get a prereader who can catch slip ups in your grammar. Sorry if this was a bit harsh, but good luck in your future endeavors as well. We all have to start somewhere, and I hope to see your name pop up on greater works as time goes by.

[Marisher]

61132
I'm re-reading the story... and then I'm reading this comment... and I agree. Although I don't know for sure what a Mary Sue Character is, despite looking it up, and I do not think alicorns are gods, Just long-lived. This criticism is helpful to me as well.

And in answer to 60808 I would love to be pre-reader! But alas, I may not be able to get around to it with all I have to do. And I still wouldn't be sure if, like I said, it's just checking for errors and grammar mistakes, or if it's more than that. Someone help this idiot out! It may be simple, but I always would like something to be confirmed, so I know I'm not doing wrong. Assistance, please?

[Primordial Deomontus]

this is very good i hope you finish it soon

[kataang1]

61192
Well, Neverknown said that you could check for error and grammatical mistakes while she did the rest of the stuff.

[NeverKnown]

61731 she.......she is a He O_O

[kataang1]

61817
Oop. Sorry.

[bcsnakeeyes]

um is thi awsome story going to get updated and get new chaptes, cause this story reeks of awsomeness and potential, well done.

[Timstro59]

I typed my birth year as the story number and this came up......I'll check it out.