Chapter 1
As I walked through Ponyville, I couldn't help but notice how happy everypony seemed. Heart and Hooves Day is coming up soon, and everypony is awaiting the big party me and Pinkie are planning. Speaking of Pinkie, she had tackled me. As I got to my hooves, she pulled out a giant bag of balloons. "HERE! I NEED YOU TO INFLATE ALL 1,000 OF THESE IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES!!"
"I can't do this in 10 minutes! That'll take 10 hours at least!"
"You gotta take five at a time, silly!" She grabbed five and immediately blew them up. She tied them together and strung them to the doorway of the library. A rainbow blur flew past us, followed by a few popping sounds.
"As, buck these cheap as hay balloons!" Rainbow Dash said angrily.
"Go slower." I suggested.
"I tried that! I tried every trick in the book! They are crap balloons. They don't listen to me."
"You tried TALKING to balloons?"
"I said I tried every bucking thing in the bucking book!"
"Have you considered using your mouth to blow air into the balloons' insides, causing the rubber to expand?"
"Who to the what now?"
I facehooved. "Have you tried BLOWING IT UP?" I asked forcefully?
She started at me. "Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I was so focused on getting the balloons inflated quickly that I didn't think of that."
We got a lot of the decorating accomplished, and I had a very important question for them.
"Pinks, Dash, c'mere." They followed.
"Say, Heart and Hooves Day is approaching. Do either of you like anypony?"
They paused for a moment, not understanding what I was asking them. "LIKE like?" The understood. The stood motionless, wide-eyed, as if they were hiding something. "NOPE." They said quickly, and then they dashed of in different directions. I grew suspicious. I needed to know what they were hiding. Maybe Twilight could help me. I turned around and walked into the library. I knocked and Spike answered.
"You here to see Twilight?"
"Yes. Tell her this is urgent!"
"Alright. Sorry, I was just repainting the door." The door shut. I could hear what Twilight shouted at Spike.
"Not now! I told you this magic needs proper concentration." "Well, tell him I'm very busy!" "Urgent?" A loud clattering was heard. The door flew open. "Yes!? Urgent!? Friendship!?" She fell over backwards. "Have a seat." She mumbled.
~~~~~~~~
"So, Rainbow and Pinkie are hiding something, and we have to get to the bottom of it?"
"Yup. They obviously like someponies, and we have to find out who they are."
"Could we ask?"
"They'll never talk. We have to monitor them. Follow their every moves. Find the information."
"Isn't that stalking?"
"Isn't what stalking?" Pinkie appeared out of nowhere.
"Nothing." We covered up.
"Smooth." Spike remarked sarcastically.
"Shut up." I said to him. He snickered. He likes to get the best of me. He doesn't like that Twilight has me sometimes do his work. It's like Owlowiscious all over again, but not as extreme. No "fake dead mouse" scams either. I have recently started living in the basement of the library. It has a small amount of room, but big enough for my stuff. There is a desk, so I could work on my novel. Yes, I'm writing a novel.
Rainbow flew in, causing a whole shelf of books to fall over.
"Oops."
"Come on, Dash!" I said. "You always do this!"
"Well I'm SORRY I can't control my speed sometimes."
There was a knock at the door.
"See, Dash, that's the correct way to enter somepony's house."
"Shut up!"
"Both of you, QUIET!!"
We faced the angry Twilight, who was one step closer to a flaming mane.
"Come in." She opened the door.
Applejack wandered in, not looking her best.
"Hey, Jacks!" I said. "Why the long face?"
(Author's note: I apologize for the horse joke.)
"Well, ah was trottin' up to buck apples, when ah got a great glimpse of Ponyville."
"What's so bad about that?" Spike asked.
"Ah saw how happy everypony was with somepony else, and it made me realize: AH HAVE NOPONY!! NOT A SINGLE PARTNER!! AH MEAN SURE, FRIENSHIP IS GREAT AND ALL, BUT AH WANT TO LOVE!! AH WANNA FEEL LOVE!! AH CAN'T HAVE THAT, SO AH WENT, CRIED FOR AN HOUR, AND CAME HERE FOR HELP!!" She fell over.
We all leaned in at her and stood there with wide eyes.
"Yo, Applejack." Spike said. "You alright?"
"No." She replied and sat up. "Ah don't know if anypony truly loves me."
"But what about us, and your family?"
"Not like that! AH mean the Heart and Hooves Day kind of love!"
"Let this sink in." Rainbow Dash said in a reassuring tone. "Sometimes, you gotta take action. Be bold, and decide this for youself. Don't sit around and wait on an opportunity like this!" She put her hoof on Applejack's shoulder. "Maybe you already know this pony?"
Applejack sat there frozen, Dash's words flowing through her mind. And heart. Her eyes glowed a blinding flash of pink. She blinked and the pink wore off. She got up and ran home, saying nothing. We all stood there motionless. Fluttershy walked in.
"um, Twilight, I, uh, have a book to return." She saw us standing there and tried to get our attention. I blinked once and was free of shock. Everyone else moved too.
"did I, uh, miss, something?"
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Any guesses?
What about
Well I will start by saying expect more down votes than up votes for the premise alone. Very few people are going to give your story a chance because the seventh element storyline is one of the most hated topics within the fandom. In addition asking people to leave nice comments in most cases just provokes people to leave awful ones. All that being said let's move on to my thoughts on the story thus far. It is very far from good, The biggest problem is the lack of description. You barely mention the setting or when it chages. You also fail to make the dialog cohesive there is no pause between when one pony begins talking and the other pony finishes. You did not set up the setting of the story when does your story take place? Who is this other element how does he/she know the main characters? The setting is essential in writing alternate universe stories otherwise your readers will be lost. The final point I'm going to address is the matter of pacing you stated that you know your story is forced that does not excuse allowing it to be so in fact it more condemning that you are aware of the problem and choose not to fix it. If you want people to respond positively to your story write a good story, otherwise your just telling people to eat dirt and complement the taste. Keep in mind this is not all I could say these are just the points that will most likely get you the majority of your down votes. I am sorry this comment comes off as so negative but im trying my best to be honest with out being cruel. One final thing always have someone else edit your story they will notice things you dont
4723353 I am sorry Valen Machina. This is my first fan-fiction I have ever written. I am still working on my start to the world of fan-fiction, and I hope you can accept the fact that I am still learning the basics of a fan-fiction. Notice that it says,
at the bottom of the description. There is still more to come, and I hope you can see that the story will develop as it continues. This fandom's motto is in fact, "LOVE AND TOLERATE". If you are truly part of the MLP fandom, you will see that posting negative comments towards a new member is the complete opposite of the fandom's main point. I would rather people motivate me to help me grow to be a strong brony, than to have another of my own push me to the ground. If you post anymore hatred towards me, I will delete all of your comments. Remember, FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC. Live it.
4726409
As I said within my comment I'm sorry it comes off as negative.
My comment may seem harsh but I was and am only trying to help you improve. Love and tolerate is our motto but that does not mean we will only say pleasant things some times the kindest thing we can do is point out the flaws of our fellows so they can mature and become better.
I hope you can forgive me for being harsh but tough love is also love. I am aware your story writing skills will improve as the story goes on but the journey to betterment will be longer and harder if you don't accept other advice and criticism. I am not saying allow yourself to be abused and hated but know that criticism rarely sounds pleasant when we first hear it.
Finally I need you to help me, tell me how I can offer criticism and not sound cruel reword my original comment in a more pleasing manner and post it and I will try to make my future ones meet that standard. Again I'm sorry I seem hateful I only want to help you do better.
4726545 I'm sorry. You are right. I see that you were trying to help, but the way you worded it made it sound negative. For future reference, put some positive in the negative comments, so no one is offended. I again apologize and I hope that you and everypony else will enjoy the story as it goes on.
Also, please note that Harmonic will not be used as an Element of Harmony, but just as a friend. And a narrator. Keep reading as more develops.
4727107
Will do and thank you.
4727189 you are most certainly welcome.
4726409
First off:
No it's not. That line was made up by 4chan trolls.
Second off, all these tags are not necessary. I mean, is your fic really going to be a dark romantic comedy with slice of life thrown in?
Now, the story.
Introducing an OC is a bad idea. It's even worse when the OC has an odd name lie Harmonic Element. In fact, the little fact that this is an AU with an OC tips me off pretty early that he's going to be a Gary Stu.
Your first chapter is too short. I know it's a prologue, but generally speaking, every chapter should be at least one thousand words long.
IT'S NOT GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT TO WRITE DIALOGUE IN ALL CAPS. I HAVE MADE THIS DAMN MISTAKE AS WELL.
wut?
Okay, what the hell's happening? A little explanation would be appreciated!
A.) The way H said it initially was unnecessary and seemed like it was there to show he was smart.
B.) RD may be a bit dense, but I don't think she's that dense.
Well... that was convenient. He just so happened to be standing in front of the library door?
No... just don't. Don't randomly put in an author's note in the middle of the story. This breaks immersion and looks really sloppy.
Author. Author, what are you doing? Author, stahp. Stahp.
My best advice would to start from scratch, because you're not going to get anywhere with this story.
...you could at least try.
No! Bad author! No putting random notes in the middle of a story!
For the sake of all that is literature, never use all capitals. Rather use italics. Also never have more than one exclamation mark at the end of a sentence.
No !!
Yes !
No !?!?
Yes !?
Yes ?!
You can use one exclamation and question mark, but only one.
Using like like in a story... definitely younger author. I could see use of it in a young character, but for the mane six being adults, this is kind of silly.
Rainbow Dash goes from lacking basic common sense and formalities to spewing knowledge on life. What?
4726409 His comment was real criticism, not hate. Also the incomplete tag and first story is not an excuse. Besides, if you aren't here to tell you your story is bad for example example etc, how will you improve?
Also Love and Tolerate was made by trolls on 4chan... I need to find some sort of deity of writing to smite you for that crime against words you wrote. Also you used all capitals in "Friendship is Magic".
For the sake of literature. Don't.
4727844 Friendly neighborhood Saakra is here to tell you that "at least" is the proper spelling of "atleast"! Just for future reference.
4728891
I have no clue how those two words got stuck together.
4728900 Did you accidentally spill some glue?
4728911
iunno.
Years of actually spelling it like that IRL, maybe.
Alright. Soon, I shall revise chapter one a bit, lengthen the prologue with backstory, and post the second chapter. I appreciate your help by telling me what is a little off of my story, and hope that you will help me throughout the course of the story.
I'm really sorry about not posting for so long. I know a lot of you are either eager to see what happens next, get ready to help me by giving me suggestions, or to see if it either gets better or worse. Since school started, I have been getting really distracted from all things Equestria. I have lately been addicted to the Cartoon Network show, "Mixels", and I probably will reference it in my stories sometimes. I will try to get back on track and upload faster, but I will need as much help as I can get. Again, I am open to suggestions.
Okay. I have been completely off track. School, the internet, and other activities have derailed my brain, but I promise I will finish at least the updated prologue by the end of the year. My addiction to the Five Nights at Freddy's has taken control, so I will also reference that a few times. On that note, see you soon.
I updated the prologue. I am back on track. The prologue is not complete, but there will be flashbacks in the main story, too, as it progresses onwards.