- Member Since 14th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
CopperTop
A Graduate of the Don Bluth School of Making the Protagonist Suffer.
CopperTop
Joined 14th Jun, 2014 ·
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Yup. Dark.
I guess for starters I'll say that this is very well-written. Could do without all of the life-story exposition from back in Neighvada, but it's all cool. The character (I'll take it Jackboot is his name) seems very distant, almost condescending upon mere emotions that most would consider the norm (i.e. sentiment). And I'm not quite sure with his allegiance (good, bad, neutral) but he appears to possess the mindset of a sane raider, which makes me take interest in where you're going to develop him. What I mean is that I've seen the standard raider and the 'reformed' raider so I like the idea of one that presents himself with the capability of coherent thought; one completely cognizant of his evil behavior, but sees it as another day's work rather than sport. I almost don't like him, but you gave him just enough of a remorseful hindsight that he doesn't come off completely heartless.
This is only the first chapter and I noticed that you put up several others already. Either you're an incredibly fast writer or you've been preparing these for a while. Meh, either way, I'll just mosey onto the next one. And, as a follow up, I feel all giddy getting to be the first to press that little thumbs up button.
P.S. I see that this takes place with Project Horizons in mind. Is it set during the same timeline or...?
I don't want to give too much away, because I do have a lot planned with this story (and might have a lot of it already written *cough*infinite revision loop*cough*). But What I will say is this:
Jackboot isn't really meant to be 'likeable'...yet. Maybe. And that is sort of the point of the theme. FE:PH dealt a lot with the notion that ponies should be given a chance to 'do better'. Of course, 'doing better' doesn't erase all the previous horror they've committed. So, how 'redeemed' would such a pony be...really?
As for the timeline, This will actually start about ten years prior to Horizons/FE.
4550726
This looks interesting. I'll definitely have to come back to this.
Wow, I'm actually really enjoying this story. My only gripe is that I feel stupid every other paragraph because your diction is relatively massive. But, hey, means I'll learn new words for my story. Just do me a favor and don't stop writing this, it's extremely good.
4554997
Hehe, yeah, my verbosity has quirked an eyebrow or two among my friends as well. A byproduct of my own reading habits I'm afraid.
And I don't want to stop writing this either. It's some of the most fun I've had writing in a long while. If my pages/outline ratio holds its current rate, I think I might even hit a half million words with this project. Finger's crossed!
How Somber's done nearly 2 million I'll never know...
4938457
Fascinating, as Whiplash hasn't even *technically* appeared in the story yet ;P
I can understand the feeling of sameyness. There are other characters coming of course, but I felt it was very important to cement Jackboot/Windfall's dynamic before I threw other variables into the mix. Other 'party members' are forthcoming, and hopefully they will prove interesting and meaningful.
Home, home on the wastes,
Where the raiders and ghouls play,
Where seldom is heard,
A discouraging word,
And the skies are cloudy all day.
5123827
It comes down to the perception of the unknown: the less we understand about something, the more our minds are prone to exaggerate it. It's how horror directors play on the fears of a viewer by showing as little of the threat as possible. Jackboot doesn't understand magic or how it works, as a result, he puts it on a pedestal. It's a bias he'll likely have for a good while yet.
The time skip was planned from the beginning. This story is sort of a three arc piece. The first being Windfall's Introduction to Jackboot. Now begins arc two...
Hurray, you updated it!
6020251
Wow...just, wow. Thank you so much for the high praise! Hopefully future chapters will live up to your expectations. I don't really know if I'm on par with MN7, but I am trying.
The opening chapter is a self-contained story in a way, a tale that reminds us how lost and hopeless post-apocalyptic Equestria is without heroes. A pragmatic protagonist with an understanding of his setting is an easy character to connect to. The one flaw I could pick out so far in the narration is exactly what the user before me pointed out: a sudden bit of exposition in the middle of the scene. Not awkward, but intrusive.
Excellent attention to detail throughout this chapter as well! How you made sure the protagonist would catch the shotgun to keep the silence and how you showed "Sunny's" struggle for survival only added to the chapter's strengths.
Here's to the next one!
The situation for our protagonist reminds me of Leon: The Professional; only the duo's circumstances are considerably worse than in that film. There is a lot of potential I can see for a plot like this, and the writing these past chapters have been excellent.
Sometimes it feels like the narration is repeating itself, though. The protagonist's cutie mark story is stated in the chapter before and stated again this chapter, only with more detail toward the memory. While I found the narration top notch and perfectly in tune with the setting, I noticed there were superfluous sentences such as the one I mentioned.
But I am thoroughly invested in this story. Well done!
6335655
I'm thankful for the criticisms that you're raising, and I hope that they get addressed once I've given the story a second pass. I'm also glad that you're enjoying the story!
Please, if you spot any more areas that could use a tweak/adjustment, let me know!
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
Classic justification for murder from the classic Jackboot. The whole scene is reminiscent of his relative walk in the park in the first chapter's conflict.
This is quite a difficult scene to read through, so it is only right to say that you wrote the dark stuff well. Given a full chapter of the fresh start Jackboot before, the moment is not as repugnant as it could have been. Still a shock, but considering that he was threatening Foxglove much the same way, right down to the "Never my fault" game seen in this quotation, the impact is not as strong. At least for me.
Now that was a good epiphany. Maybe a little expositional in the whole paragraph, because readers should be able to derive the meaning pretty quickly.
The back-and-forth internal argument felt rather bipolar up to this line. Jackboot just sort of jumps to the decision about two lines after he said it was pointless. In a decisive manner. Really, there was no gradual push toward making the trip to the hospital; he kept reasoning not to go, then this line comes along and sets him going, in spite of the previous paragraphs. The decision making here got rushed, I feel.
Clever use of the audio tape to introduce the monster.
That one is just too obvious not to laugh at. Goodness, Jackboot, it's only the first thing you learn in survival 101. Even with that adrenaline rush and tension in the scene, you should be aware of that fact.
That one-liner... meh. That is all I can say about it. Sort of corny without all that satisfying a payoff.
The chapter had a strong beginning half with an effective shocker and a well-delivered turnaround for Jackboot. The second half, which consists of the entire foray into the hospital, was quite average as far as action scenes have gone in this story. The timberwolves were definitely a cool inclusion to have in the story, and the justification for their being in the hospital is at least reasonable; however, they were used like any other unrelenting predator in this story: hellhounds, ghouls, etc. They were merely unstoppable monsters that the protagonist had to outrun until a weakness is discovered. Such odd creatures could definitely have a more interesting dynamic in the claustrophobic hospital setting.
It may just be me, but this chapter also seemed rather heavy on its use of exposition for Jackboot's thoughts, which makes a lot more sense in the narrative than having imaginary personas battle in his head. Still, the great reliance on explaining feelings and thoughts makes reading those sections slightly dull. While there are some qualms I have about the action and narration, I do want to address the fact that the chapter had some really great ideas that expressed tension and epiphany in creative ways. Those are listed above. More moments of unordinary storytelling would greatly enhance the reading experience.
How similar will this story be to Project Horizons? Maybe it's because I've interacted with Interloper,(and a few other guys whose names I can't remember) but I've heard some bad things about that story, mostly about it being way to needlessly dark and edgy. I love a good dark fic, but even I have my limits. Still, I don't see a tragedy tag.
7241446
As always, I am thankful for your suggestions and insights. Hopefully I can make this a lot better on the second pass I'm planning for the story up to this point in a few months.
I will admit that Jackboot's 'face heel turn' back to the lighter side comes off a little more rushed than I would have liked. It just wasn't something I felt needed to be explored over the course of another 50k words, as he has essentially already been on this path for a while now. After all, prior to McMaren, he had long since been at the point where he was willing to go against those ingrained instincts of his where Windfall was concerned. This was essentially his last little bit of recovery as he once more returned to that state, and even perhaps went a little further past where he had been. I'll see what can be done to smooth it out.
On the Timberwolves: yeah...they were 'shoehorned' into the chapter, after a fashion. The trip through the hospital couldn't be a cakewalk; this is the Wasteland, after all. I also didn't want to use anything mundane for it like ghouls, or radroaches, or raiders. Timberwolves were something I didn't remember from other FO:E fics that I'd read, and so I figured I'd throw them in and see how it went. So far, I like what I think I can do with them, and nothing says that they can't come back later. I'm sure there were more than two of them left in the world...
I will work on adopting a trope other than '11th hour weakness exploit' in the future. I try to limit them to surprise opponents that the protagonists have never encountered before; as, to my mind, they wouldn't know how to go about fighting such threats that first time, and so would be scrambling to stay a step ahead until they finally found something that worked. I'll explore other avenues in the future.
7241477
'Something's Got To Give' will likely be the high point (or low, as the case may be) of this story in terms of uncomfortable instances. Both from a literary standpoint of: the scene involved has served the purpose of finally bringing Jackboot to the breaking point he needed in order to actually start to 'embrace' a different way of life; and from a personal standpoint of: that scene took me literally a month to write, because I couldn't do it for more than 15-30 minutes at a time...
I'm not saying there won't be future instances of blood, death, gore, and so on, because there will; but I can't see the narrative going quite this dark again.
If the OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
7511886
Huh...now that's an intriguing question. While the characters have always had a voice in my head, I've never consciuosly likened them to anyone in the real world. Thinking on it now...
Jackboot - Neil Kaplan
Windfall - Maisie Williams
Foxglove - Felicia Day
I think those get the characters pretty close to how they sound when I'm thinking of their dialogue.
... if people call your methods "extreme", there maybe is a very good reason for it. Just maybe.
8006857
Genius is never recognized in its time...Or so some would insist.
8007416 This is true, but what does come in its place is denial, repression, fear, brutality, madness and death. One of my history teachers once told me that one of the reason why innovations take so freaking long to appear is because everyone is scared to death of the consequences their minds and their creativity might make. To them, to society at large and most importantly, to their family and friends.
Only the mad ones try to discover new things and change the world.
... Or asocial singles with anger problems, but eh. XD
Wait, it isn't? In the canon episode about that spell, it didn't seem like it hurt the ponies at all when they got it back. Indeed, it even seemed like they were relieved and happy!
This points us to two different reasons : either this FoE is slightly different than the canon, or Starlight is a manipulative and much-too-proud scientist with no moral boundaries.
I really hope it's the first one.
8113362
Say whaaaaaat? Starlight Glimmer obfuscating the facts in order to keep ponies from asking to get their cutie marks back? I can't think of any time she's ever done that...
Damnit, It frustrates me to no end to see how close Windfall came to realise the truth about her cutie Mark in this chapter! Either the trauma she suffered from all the killing she did is actively blocking her thoughts from discovering the Truth, or she officially is the densest mare to ever have existed in the valley, if not in the whole wasteland!
P.S. : I still call horseapples on Jackboot's death! You can't make my denial (ergo: hopes) go away by stating twice, by two completely different characters no less, how it happened and make the following events seem impossible had he survived, no siree!
8298300
In some of my very first runs at this story, I had it set entirely from Windfall's POV; starting from a few hours after Jackboot's death. I intended to build on their relationship retroactively through various flashback sequences throughout the story.
In the end, I decided that jumping around in the time frame like that would be too awkward, so I settled for actually showing most of their relationship and its development directly. Despite the impression that the first 20-ish chapters might give, this is, and was always meant to be, Windfall's story.
I miss that asshole too, though. Maybe I'll do a sort of prequel, Jackboot's time in Hoofington, type thing. We'll see. Legacies sound be wrapping up in another 25-ish chapters, and after that will be one short 5 chapter piece to wrap up a lose end. So, maybe we'll see more of Jackboot. No promises, but I'm thinking about it...
Thanks for reading!
8298497
... Damn it all! My last hopes, crushed to a fine red paste, now left to decompose on the barren ground of the wasteland, probably being slurped up by some random raider...
It isn't just the character 'Jackboot' that I massively enjoyed, but primarily his outlooks on the world and his little quirks, so novel and unusual in the FoE community. Sure, if you want stories of a typical hero swooping in and saving the day, firmly believing that good will always prevail and that evil must be thwarted by an almost obscene amount of firepower, then by all means, there are certainly a few hundreds extremely well written stories of such characters on this site alone. But Jackboot, now he's -in my opinion- a rare gem! Ponies like him are why I spend sometimes hours on end scouring the depths of this site for even imcomplete or abandoned stories: He doesn't really want to be 'good' or 'morally on the good side of the spectrum'. He just wants to get by and have some fun while he's alive, because why not? You only live once. This fascinates me to no end. As a bonus, he actually has a survival instinct, a rarity in the wasteland (and thus strongly contrasting with Windfall :-P ).
This doesn't mean I don't like Windfall. On the contrary, the contrast and the interactions between Windy and Jacky were just plain funny and lively. Even alone, Windfall is just such an interesting character that this story will probably never leave my 'favourites' and my memory. This story is just magnificient, and I can't wait to see where it's headed. I love your work, and it's such a shame that your story is not that popular. You'd be one of the major writers of this fandom, I'd wager.
P.S. : A side-story with Jackboot would be awesome, even if it's simply to commemorate his bastardness.
8460763
Glad that you're enjoying it! Yeah, this story got away from me in the length department, but I don't see myself abandoning it any time soon. I'm thinking is *should* be done in another 200k words or so? I think. Maybe...
It was that day that Windfall realized that when Arginine said "As you wish" what he was really saying was "I love you". Dude this is gonna be rad keep up the good work!
8536056
Glad you're enjoying things!
I was hoping that this took place after the orignal Fallout Equestria, but I guess taking place after Horizons isn't so bad.
8581569
It more or less runs concurrently with both stories, as Horizons started out running parallel to Fallout Equestria's timeline. If anything, Legacies starts out about a decade before both stories.
Looks like the ponies of the Neighvada Wasteland will soon learn that slavery is frowned upon.
Wasn't there a FoE fic featuring Moonbeam?
I remember reading a past comment about Windfall being voiced by Felicia Day and I'm starting to think that poster wasn't wrong at all.
8586230
If there is a fic of a pony named Moonbeam, I don't know it.
8586521
Close. That was my comment, and I think I assigned Felicia Day to Foxglove at the time, while Windfall got Aria, from Game of Thrones.
But, looking back, maybe it does feel like it should have been Windfall...
I should have guessed that McMaren was a mix of Mcmarran and Helios One.
RG sounds like the narrator from the Princess Bride.
Well, looks like Starlight took a page from Pinkie and is now slightly corrupted. Speaking of which, where IS the Neighvadan Wasteland anyway?
8587089
Ehh...
In my head, it's way out west of Manehattan and Hoofington.
And let's face it, Starlight's always been a little corrupted, heh.
Man, you just blew through this story, didn't you? Hope you enjoyed it!
8587142 Yep, I did.
8875489
I've got to pick up the pace or this monstrosity will be 2 million words before it ends -_-
Thanks for reading!
OH MY GAWD!!!!!
So epic and emotional and everything!
I'm only half there and I can't stop reading.
The game over switch was inspired and the whole thing in the tent... I was praying, actually whispering no no no no no...
Damn awesome!
I'm almost up to chapter 30 since I started Friday.
Glim Glam?! Just found her! Shit just got real!
8979144
Really glad to hear that you're enjoying the ride! I hope that the story continues to live up to expectations.
*no pressure, Copper, no pressure...
*
Is the lack of a Starlight Glimmer tag due to spoilers?
9108915
Pretty much. That and because I didn't want to give readers the wrong idea about who the focus of the story would be.