The greatest storyteller of our time, or just another smuck pony fan on the internet? YOU decide! (Also I do episode analysis sometimes.)
A Magic scholar from Canterlort named Mystic Mind has traveled to Saddle Arabia to study Earth Pony magic, but is also on a secret mission from Princess Twilight Sparkle. However, all too soon does he realize that there is a big danger in Saddle Arabia. One that responds to the magic of Unicorns, and one that could threaten all of Equestria if not stopped.
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This is starting to remind me of the uncharted series for some reason. That is good
I like it. Look forward to reading more
This is a good start to a story. I liked it. However, perhaps I can lend some helpful critique.
I thought the transition from arriving at the city to being in a bar was a bit abrupt. There's no last words of advice from his guard and guide, no moment of awe as the gates swing open. I felt like a "stranger in a strange land" vibe was intended, but never quite got across. The focal character marvels at the architecture, but not at the people. Are their crowds? What do they wear, if anything? Is it quiet, loud? There isn't enough there to evoke a mental picture. It feels like there should be a big moment where the character steps into the city he's been visiting, and while there is a moment, we're told that the character is excited, not shown it.
The issue with the unicorn "lighting up" is mentioned, but perhaps you could show him having horn-glow issues do to excitement before it causes a massive problem. It seemed odd. I would find him having accidentally pick up a beer mug more believable. However, if the uncontrolled horn-glowing were a continuing problem for the character it could be built on.
You hint at a conflict here, which is all you really need in the first chapter. There's something going on beyond a research expedition, and that builds some suspense.
Throughout, there are some "telling" issues, like
But otherwise it is quite well-written. Keep writing! As long as you enjoy crafting the story, it's worth making. A good chunk of everything I've ever written has never been seen by another human being.
Grammar stuff:
Needs a comma not a semicolon.
Awkward. Also, should be "itself" not "it is self". In-fact, the itself is somewhat unneeded.
This is a landmine. I mean, it makes sense, everyone talks English, but the general assumption in a fantasy setting is that they're not actually speaking English. However, French happens in the show. So, well, eh... Yeah.
The exclamation mark lets us know he exclaimed. Also this paragraph is, a bit odd. Its strange for a character to talk so much without doing anything, even if its just stage business.