The Art of the Horn
Twilight stared at the old parchment lying on the floor in front of her. The yellow sheet of magical paper was highly curious.
She had found this old parchment hidden inside the back of an ancient tome about enchantments. It was some sort of pamphlet about duelling, but it was written in such a round-about way that Twilight had trouble to truly understand it.
"Good morning, Twilight," rang a cheery female voice from her left. The young unicorn turned her head slightly and saw Rarity looking at her intently, a stack of cloth on her back and a bright smile on her lips. "What are you reading today?"
Twilight looked at her friend for a few seconds, thinking furiously. Perhaps she could help her to decipher what the parchment was exactly saying. "Well, I can read it to you. Tell me what you think of it."
She cleared her throat, turning her eyes back to the yellowing sheet again, and begun reading aloud, "As the old saying goes, it's not the size of your horn, but how you use it. Although in all honesty, most unicorns you encounter would probably say that the size helps too, as it allows for more ridges and thus more contact surface."
Suddenly Twilight heard Rarity 'eep'ing, and she turned her gaze back on the purple-haired unicorn, who was blushing slightly for no apparent reason. Twilight was somewhat perplexed by her behaviour, but as it was a well-known fact that she was always blushing for one obscure reason or another, the scholarly unicorn simply dismissed her reaction and began reading again.
"Young and relatively inexperienced unicorns tend to have an unfortunate habit of shooting their spells prematurely. Unfortunately, there is no other solution for this than diligent practice. However, especially during the first few duels, one should always pay attention to the rules of elementary horn safety as a careless shot can cause a unicorn to swell rapidly into an incredible size, that unicorn may then profoundly reduce the quality of your social life and possibilities of practising with other unicorns."
At this point, Twilight could hear multiple books hitting the floor and she was suddenly very thankful that Spike wasn't anywhere around to complain about the mess. She lifted her gaze from the old leaflet. "Are you all right, Rarity? You look bit flustered." And she really did. Her cheeks were flaming and her mouth was hanging open slightly, she looked quite comical actually.
"I- I'm all right," she answered, her voice was both unusually high-pitched and shaky. Twilight really didn't know why she was suddenly acting like this, but then again, she had never really understood the high strung mare, and she was starting to seriously doubt that she ever would.
"Hey, do you think I fire prematurely like this essay says?" Twilight asked with a thoughtful expression. This could be a serious problem, she decided. If she was needed to protect her friends or some creature were after her and so she couldn't afford to make any mistakes in a fight. "I wonder if I should practice more."
Now Rarity looked like she was choking, her mouth was moving up and down but no sound came out. "I- I re-really don't know," she eventually stammered, sounding more than a bit like Fluttershy at this point.
Twilight looked her for a few seconds. She really didn't look like she was well, but as she most likely wouldn't like her telling her to go to the hospital to get herself checked out, she simply continued with the text. Besides, she wanted to know her opinion about it.
"If you find it hard to find suitable duelling partners, you can always hire a professional or two to help you out. One should, however, note that aiming at older unicorns, while somewhat frowned upon by society, is a good way to enhance one's skills as the older mares can usually teach many useful, dirty tricks. These skills may prove to be a critical factor when proposing a friendly bout or three with unicorns of your own age."
As Twilight lifted her eyes from the parchment, she could see tomato-red Rarity watching her with something akin of terror in her blue eyes. She was indeed acting very peculiar today...
"Do you think I should ask my brother a few things about duelling?"
After she had said those words, the fashionista promptly fainted, but luckily Twilight was quick enough to catch her before she hit the floor.
She gently lowered the petite unicorn on the floor and shook her awake.
Her azure-blue eyes snapped wide open and she found herself looking directly into Twilight's pair violet orbs. "Hey, Rarity, are you going to stand up, or are you just going to lie on the floor and force me to use my horn on you?"
She made some choking sounds but stood up nevertheless. Twilight could see a whole lot of different emotions clashing on her face, only some of which she could identify.
"Rarity, you really don't look so good, do want me to escort you to the hospital?"
"No! I'm fine!" She nearly yelled, and in a few seconds, she acquired a determined look on her face. Of what she was determined to do, she had no idea.
"Okay... I shall continue then," she said and cleared her throat again. "Unicorns should always keep in mind that it's impolite to point a horn at unicorns you don't know well, especially if you are frequently duelling with some other unicorn. It's also a common courtesy to not target younger unicorns as they may lack skills to properly defend themselves. Also, taking multiple opponents at the same time is heavily frowned upon, by both unicorns and non-unicorns alike, and it is widely considered to be extremely foolish."
Rarity's cheeks were reddening again, but at least she hadn't lost her voice this time. "So, Twilight. Have you been duelling with any unicorns lately?”
"Well, Celestia would count, I guess," Twilight said thoughtfully as she cocked her head slightly and scratched the back of her neck. The princess was, after all, her mentor and had spent a great deal of time teaching her many things.
"WHAT?!"
"What?" Twilight asked, confused by her sudden exclamation. She had, after all, asked the question. Besides she had been on the tour of Canterlot before the wedding too and so she should know that she usually studied with her mentor when she could. "What do mean by that?"
She got no answer from her friend, who looked like a fish out of water, and so she turned her attention back to the old parchment.
"Many consider it a unicorn's duty to gather an extensive duelling experience - to duel with unicorns and others of all legal ages from different cultures, tribes and social standings. Good practical knowledge is usually a key factor in duels, especially when against demanding opponents or when trying to give a pleasant introduction into the arts of duelling for a first-timer."
"Do you think that's true," Rarity asked, her voice a soft murmur.
"I don't know," Twilight admitted. "I guess there is no other way to know but to try."
There was a moment of silence before Rarity spoke, managing to take on an odd tone of vague terror Twilight had never heard in her voice before. "And you want to try? With me, I mean?"
Twilight looked at her curiously. Oh well, she was probably already getting bored with all this reading. A little duelling could do no harm. "Sure. We can use the field out front if you like."
She cocked her head and was completely taken by surprise when Rarity fainted again with a meaty thump on the floorboards.
"Uh... Rarity?..."
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Oblivious Innuendo Twilight is best Twilight.
It's time to dududu DUDUDUDU...DUEL!!!
Why did it have to finish there?!
4531429
Uhhh.. because it would likely have devolved into clop at that point, and I don't write clop.
GOLD!!!!
Poor, innocent Twilight....
EDIT:
Or is it poor Rarity...??
4531439
Why thank you. Took a lot of work to get just the right level of double entendre.
4531441
You did it very well!
Not crude or crass at all, just a touch of innocence and class
4531432
Oh please oh please oh please oh please!
The lols here, there are so many!
Nice way to avoid a clop
I liked the story, definitely a comedic type. Twilight not knowing anything about...well...the stuff and the things...just like her! And here's Rarity...supposedly knowing everything about...the stuff and the things.
The concept is nice, the story is nice, the ending is nice, overall the story is just great!
A rate up for you my dear fellow.
4531471
My only regret is in not being able to make it longer. Need to work some more on my verbosity.
4531479 For some stories, a long chapter would be nice, but I always like an easy read. You know, not just about 300 words, but 1000 or so, enough to make the point without long boring details. That's something you would use in a comical story as such. Most of the time.
Oh my god... im dieing
4531582
Please don't die, The smell is hell to get out of my keyboard...
Alas, poor Rarity. So flustered is she that she could not hope to last more than three seconds in such a duel!
Also, I love when I can make a comment where my avatar is relevant.
Rarity you have a horn
How did you misunderstand literally all of this
...Unless you're really desperate to get laid
4531479
I understand a lot of unicorns have that complaint...
An amusing drabble - well done.
Sure was nice of Rarity to let Twilight practice.
4531590
Don't worry. Ill hit the floor.
Highly Amusing
Methinks the Marshmelodramatic doth protest too much. I have to wonder if Twilight is misunderstanding what the word "duel" means in that old parchment.
4532337 Thank you so much for coming up with that nickname. Can I please just replace 'Rarity' with that? It's just too good!
4532393 Be my guest!
4532399 Awesome!
Insert Yugioh reference here
I think it's closer to dirty minded Rarity than innocent Twilight. She does say 'Dueling' multiple times.
Mind outta the gutter, Rares.
Twilight has to read this scroll around her other friends now.
Now I'm just waiting for Rainbow to read it and be unable to finish due to laughing herself sick.
And I would fully support a copy of the scroll transdimensionally winding up in front of Winningverse!CloudKicker.
4536190
Not familiar with the reference... Linky please?
Not as entertaining as I thought it would be.
4536274
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope my other stories (or any future ones) do not leave you as un-Fayzed as this one did.
4536281
i.imgur.com/fTgbbNK.png
This didn't really work for me. The execution was sloppy, and the explicit use of the word "duelling" repeatedly completely obliterated the innuendo. The only actual joke here is that Rarity has a dirty mind, and it pretty much falls flat on that note.
4536229
Group: Winningverse
Original fic: Life and Times of a Winning Pony
Don't worry Twilight, these two duel all the time, even with the multiple millennia age gap.
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080423184604/yugioh/images/archive/9/92/20080423184948!Yugi_and_Yami_Yugi.jpg
4536912
Much obliged.
Rarity can't hope to duel the master of dueling, Twilight Sparkle! With her horn Twilight Sparkle can duel 3 other opponents at once! Oh god the perverted minds are real right now.
4536229 The Life and Times of a Winning Pony
A horny situation.
Oh my.
yeah,this was far more fun than it has a right to be. have a fav will read again.
I'm afraid I have to agree with 4536680. By explicitly using the word "dueling" in the text Twilight was reading out loud, you gave the joke away far too early, and instead of it being "Twilight is too naive to realize that what she's reading is a euphemism for something naughty" -- which would be entirely in character for Twilight, and thus a rich source of potential humour -- it swiftly turns into "Twilight really is reading something entirely innocent and normal, and Rarity just has a filthy mind", which weakens the humourous impact.
Nice idea, but execution was a bit off, sorry to say. Don't give the punchline away so early in the game next time.
4536017 either that or it was the scroll's author being a troll
Not sure if the scroll's author is a massive troll or if Rarity just has a dirty mind... And I'm not sure which possibility is funnier
4543808 Out of curiosity, what word would you have used instead of 'dueling' to avoid dropping the joke too soon?
4749716
It's not so much a matter of using a different word in place of "dueling", so much as re-wording the things Twilight was reading so that any overt mention of dueling was avoided, and making the descriptions vague enough that they're left open to interpretation.
4751746 Basically, more subtlety. Got it.
Well, it was still funny.
So I found this buried at the bottom of my Read Later list......
Good job, you deserve a like.
The story picture is broken. Please fix it. What is the picture, anyway?