A horrid outcome to the battle between Tirek and Twilight. A what-if story that takes place three years after the fall of the royal sisters.
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Actually not bad dont know what the dis likes were about... I need to get to the RP. So see you once i post.
Stop. This a tired concept and it's fucking stupid. Stop.
4648241
Oh? May I ask as to how so? I know a dark equestria is ever done, I know it is cliched. If you can, I would like to know how to make it better.
4648432
No, Tirek winning. It's been highly overused ever since the S4 finale. Plus, there's the HiE part. If I could suggest something, have Celestia and Luna attempt to have the Mane Six reform Tirek the same they did with Discord.
4648607
While I haven't been reading much fanfics, I had no idea that the 'Tirek winning' thing was over done. I try to do my own thing with concepts. But what you are suggesting at the end is a different story all together. And it doesn't sound like it would work or make sense. Tirek is a power hungry monster while Discord was just a dude who wanted to have fun. He may have caused chaos, but he never hurt anybody like Chrysalis or Sombra. Now that I know that it has been done over and over, can we talk more on how to make this cliched concept at least a bit original?
4648672 Tirek can be reformed without being the Joker. They need to show him what he did was wrong and try to make him see positively. As for this story... there's really no way you can make it original. You just... can't, I'm sorry.
4649158
I thank you for being honest with me. And now that I know trying to be original in the story is futile, I might as well just have fun with it. I spent months working on ideas for this tale so I might as well use them. And plus, I don't want to do a reformation story to be honest. Sorry, just my opinion. Though, your feedback is helpful and I appreciate it.
Welp. This is no longer a story for you guys. I can't make this original and, well, good. So, this is just going to be an ego stroking trip and just have fun. Plus, I'm going to see how dark and messed up I can make this version of Equestria.
>Original story
Everything new is just combination of some things old.
4649547 Well, you know what could be interesting? Having Vinyl as one of the few ponies to still have magic, and have her be a "magic trafficker" of sorts.
4651013
Actually, you might be on to something there. My story has an element in it called synthetic magic, in which Tirek created for ponies to let them know that they need him. But he made the stuff at half strength as to make sure nopony would oppose him. He ponies are reliant on their magic to cast spells, cultivate, and control the weather. And Tirek wants them to know, if they don't obey, they won't be able to live. So, I guess I could have Vinyl smuggle the stuff to the resistance movement and those who cant afford it during her shows.
4651029 The thing is, she still has full-strength natural magic, along with a select few other ponies. She knows how to produce it for other ponies, which is what a magic trafficker entails. As a matter of fact, Neon Lights, in my headcanon, is a mob boss. Maybe he could be allied with Vinyl.
(On an unrelated note, maybe, since synthetic magic is half-strength, non-traffickers have transparent cutie marks.)
4652031 Thats your thing. But yeah, I can see that happening. The only way I can have her still have her magic is if she is also a spy but being a smuggler could complicate that. But, I'll see what I can do.
I really could use a proof reader for this story.
if you want focus on the physiological parts of the story the parts that sends the human into a mental hell, research some psychology if you intend to do this (i should lol). find every story with the same concept and read a chapter or two figure out what they do and if you can don't do it Cliches are only game killers if you make the characters impossible to relate with. but still never depend on them to support your story i have read many stories, wrote a few and received plenty of advice from my betters last thing heed advice, and more importantly make sure you enjoy writing the story.
Actually, I'm just doing this for fun now. I really don't care if I get any negative comments about this. This story is for me now.
Woo. Second chapter almost done. Hopefully the... I don't know, seven people who like this story get to read it soon.
He was met by a gaze from the purple horse that was filled with shear dread and sorrow.
sheer
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Standing up, she goes over to a table filled with papers, books and other things.
she went over
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He and twilight shimmied along the roof, trying not to fall off.
Twilight
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The sound of a door crashing was heard as two large bodies came stomping in and taring the place apart and searching for the culprit for the pillar of light.
tearing
culprit that made the pillar of light
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Both of them emerging from the brush and Aaron was the only one with cuts on him as he started removing leaves that stuck onto him due to the goop that still lingered on him.
emerged
started to remove leaves
Have to use past tense.
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He hated running, especially when something was trying to kill him and trying to avoid large pieces of house.
to avoid rubble from the destroyed houses
Could use something else too
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Pulling Aaron into the same alley, the two took a slight rest before continuing.
Twilight pulled Aaron into...
before they continued.
----------------------
He continued to gasp for air as Twilight looked over the corner to see if they were followed.
Twilight peered around the corner.
Its a bit more descriptive and people look around corners.
They look over corners if they are lower than eye level.
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Sighing in relief she looked to Aaron in slight frustration.
need to be in past tense
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Who had finally gotten his breathing steadied.
Need a subject for the sentence.
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She replayed what she had said and how impossible their mission was.
I wonder if replayed is the right word, it sounds like she has a device.
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I'll have to find another base of operation."
operations
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Twilight began to walk (through) the destroyed town as Aaron followed close behind her.
closely?
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Looking around the destruction and thinking of what reason a small town was destroyed.
Sentence fragment, no subject.
Who is looking around?
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Twilight did not turn back to make eye contact.
turn around
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Aaron nodded happily, adding a smile to it.
Adding a smile to what?
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Yeah, got my support and aide.
aid
----------------------
Twilight had a confident smile on her.
Could you just say Twilight had a confident smile.
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Good start.
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As far as original goes, there is no such thing as a totally original story.
All stories can trace their origin to other stories or basic stuff from way back when.
Check out Joseph Campbell's The hero with a thousand faces.
To put it a different way, look at roller coasters.
You sit in a car, it goes up and it goes down real fast.
You yell a bit then its over.
All roller coasters do that but there is so much variety between them.
Look at red wine, Yeah its grape juice that went bad but there are so many varieties.
Don't worry that your Tirek wins story is not original, just focus on making it a fine ride for readers.
I am hooked because I want to know how this human will stop Tirek.
I enjoy this idea, very days of Future past.
My main problem thus far is your pacing. It seems rushed. I think starting off with a prologue where Tirek wins would set the scene, other wise you just have Twilight become captain exposition. Or even star completely with a cold opening, where its from Aaron's perspective.
You also really need to paint a picture, not just visually, but the smells, the emotions.
Lastly this far your character 'Aaron' doesn't really stand out he seems like a nice guy an all but how is that different?
Despite what others may say, I really like this concept. Keep going with it!
Keyll and peyell ruined the name aaron for me HIS NAME IS A-ARON.
....mino on pony rape... *picks up shotgun*
Your ignorance is almost adorable if I wasn't offended by your lack of wariness of a fellow human.
If she had a ranged weapon, sure, but since she is close and holding a dagger, you should have used the distraction to quickly take her down.
Good answer! You kidnapped him, Twilight, and you expect him to be co-operative?
Well, I dunno, how many species have we driven to extinction thus far?
But fighting is fun! I'm a thinker but I like to fight. Don't like hurting my opponent, but that is okay because I get angry at them for making me hurt them and I take that anger out on them. Logic in motion!
Yes, but we lack the technology to make use of it.
He'd be too focused on the fight to think about anything like that. He'd continue to smash until the target was dead. I doubt he'd feel any real guilt about it, anyway. The only guilt I'd feel were I him would be that I hadn't gotten there sooner.
If you were form Earth, you would be too. Killing machine? Mmmm, you've seen nothing yet now that you've summoned a human, little mare.
If a Soviet soldier (you know, the guys who say "URA!", no "Cheeki Breeki") were to come here, this story would be much different. And the Minotaur would not even be killed, just sent to gulag like the western spy he is.
6777607
YOU WANNA GO TO WAR BALAKE!!!!
First fic