It was great day in the lives of Eon, Colgate and Big Mac until they lost everything. follow they're adventures across the worlds
Inspired by Spirit Shift's Kingdom Hearts F.I.M Rise of The Elements
also same rules apply with his fic you do not have to have play kingdom hearts but it could help and no sora, no nothing
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Awesome that makes two spin offs and better two potential crossovers!
Hmmmm well I'm gonna say it before some mean critic does, I can see enormous potential in this, but just a few things
1) There is no sign of any kind of correct grammar. I volunteer to be your editor or proof/pre-reader if you want but we need to fix this. It's the biggest problem here.
2) Rainbow Dash like pacing: You basically crammed three of my chapters worth of information into one chapter and under 2000 words. Space some stuff out, list some more details, get some context and the battle scene was just 3 spells and a few attacks. Common you can do better than that
Here's what it felt like. Eon woke up, he slowed down time for little to no reason other than showing that he had time magic, but thats cool. The second he made it to Colgate's all hell broke loose and big mac showed up at some point, the doctor&ditzy escaped and Eon woke up, Cadence informed them of their new mission, they fight, gummi ship, end of chapter. Now, however long it took to to read that is however long it'll take anyone to read this chapter. Basically, it feels like you listed a bunch of events in a chain, making this seem more like a synopsis/outline than a story.
3) You were great with character details and descriptions but you have little to no dialogue between them. Right now none of your characters have any sort of characterization or personalities between them.
4) Don't use numbers to detail strength and weakness because what are you basing it on? Believe it or not, but some people actually haven't played the game (I'll give you a minute, it's shocking I know) and as such would not get what the numbers are for. That's why I use phrases like "Built for strength" or "Made for speed/magic"
Things I liked:
1)
you used my race names and descriptions! *squee*
2) Cadence as a keyblade master? Brilliant, and perfect for a crossover.
3) Eon's and Colgate's character, I feel like I could like them but refer to problem 3 for why I don't yet.
4) Character choice: Pretty awesome, tho I feel like Mac's only here to round out the group.
5) Keyblade designs, pretty awesome I must say, please expect some drawings of them and maybe some character art.
Hmmmm well I'm gonna say it before some mean critic does, I can see enormous potential in this, but just a few things
1) There is no sign of any kind of correct grammar. I volunteer to be your editor or proof/pre-reader if you want but we need to fix this. It's the biggest problem here.
2) Rainbow Dash like pacing: You basically crammed three of my chapters worth of information into one chapter and under 2000 words. Space some stuff out, list some more details, get some context and the battle scene was just 3 spells and a few attacks. Common you can do better than that
Here's what it felt like. Eon woke up, he slowed down time for little to no reason other than showing that he had time magic, but thats cool. The second he made it to Colgate's all hell broke loose and big mac showed up at some point, the doctor&ditzy escaped and Eon woke up, Cadence informed them of their new mission, they fight, gummi ship, end of chapter. Now, however long it took to to read that is however long it'll take anyone to read this chapter. Basically, it feels like you listed a bunch of events in a chain, making this seem more like a synopsis/outline than a story.
3) You were great with character details and descriptions but you have little to no dialogue between them. Right now none of your characters have any sort of characterization or personalities between them.
4) Don't use numbers to detail strength and weakness because what are you basing it on? Believe it or not, but some people actually haven't played the game (I'll give you a minute, it's shocking I know) and as such would not get what the numbers are for. That's why I use phrases like "Built for strength" or "Made for speed/magic"
Things I liked:
1)
you used my race names and descriptions! *squee*
2) Cadence as a keyblade master? Brilliant, and perfect for a crossover.
3) Eon's and Colgate's character, I feel like I could like them but refer to problem 3 for why I don't yet.
4) Character choice: Pretty awesome, tho I feel like Mac's only here to round out the group.
5) Keyblade designs, pretty awesome I must say, please expect some drawings of them and maybe some character art.
4768923 I was aware of my poor pacing and my grammar. The fight scene was a lot cooler in my head, granted probably so is every other fight scene ever made. yeah I should have spread out across several chapters and after seeing your critiques I will revise the chapter. Also you can my sister for the design of Eternal Peace. Funny thing I kinda gave Time Keeper that kind of description followed by stats.(face palms) I actually thought Eon was gonna be the only with a decent description as he's a mixture of me and Aeon from castlevania judgement.
4768339 That was why I didn't use any characters from your fic.
4768922 ps. I would be glad to take up that offer.
4769532 Sure just let me know when you're ready
btw did you use Gdocs or did you use something else to write this.
4773343 I actually write on the site because gdocs is a jerk and won't let me sign in
4774321 HA! Anyway if you want my help, go to your story, at the top hit edit, the on the edit page put in an unpublished view password when you do come back link the chaper in a pm and tell me the password, then I can edit it for you before you release it to everyone else