• Member Since 31st May, 2014
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

MLfan


I'm just a budding writer trying to write a few fics. If you enjoy them, awesome! If not... then why're you even reading this? Get outa here!

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I'm sure you've heard of Twilight, rainbow dash, and the rest, but what if there was one little change? What if Twilight and the rest failed because of it? Cue the order family, our heroes (from oldest to youngest):
Writehoof, the eldest of the 4, is a female unicorn and a writer. She is often sassy with her 3 younger brothers, but is dependable and nice when she needs to be. She already has her cutie mark, which is 2 quills crossing a book, and often rubs it in her brothers' faces. She is bright yellow with bright green eyes and a sleek orange mane and tail.
Sparky: An earth pony who wants to understand magic. While other earth ponies have their own magic (i.e. pinkie's pinkie sense and maud's ability to destroy boulders), Sparky has none, yet he is devoted to understanding it. He is male, purple, has a mane simillar to twilight's, and has recently gotten his cutie mark: a star(Twilight's cutie mark) with 2 question marks crossing over it.
Lawn Order: A unicorn who loves detective novels and action. He mastered a cloud walking spell when he was little because he needs to be able look up there to be a detective. He is around the age he might get his cutie mark soon , and he can't wait! He is dark blue with white hooves, eyes, and mane.
Daredriver: As youngest of the family, He is often left out of things, but he is a real daredevil! He is also very good with tools. He is a pegasus, and is vibrant red with blue eyes and a yellow mane and tail.
It all begins when the family falls asleep, and when they wake up, no one except the order family remains... (This story falls into the nonexistent "Mystery" catagory)

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 2 )

The story is really nice! It has quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but they're easily fixable. Not much to worry about!

The story itself is short and sweet, though sometimes it gets a little confusing. Just going through it and making sure that the words are actually saying what you want them to would be helpful.

Just a little worry of mine concerning this story. You seem to completely overlook the Maine Six and their quest in this story. Even if it was intentional, replacing cannon characters (characters from the show) with OCs (characters you made up) isn't viewed very positively in most circles. Of course, that doesn't mean that the story isn't worth reading, but it does leave some readers a little annoyed and could dissuade them from reading your story entirely. Just a little warning.

One last thing. As addressed by Jomintine in a comment previous to mine, your description could use a bit of work. I'm not sure how long descriptions are supposed to be on this site as I just got here, but descriptions that are shorter usually attract more crowds. You want to try to avoid describing things like cities and characters. (Leave that for the story itself.) Focus more on the plot. Try to be mysterious though; you don't want to spoil the plot to the reader, you just want to get them interested.

All in all, I really like this story, and I'm excited to see more of your work! If you want any advice, feel free to ask! :D

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