- Member Since 10th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
BronyofMeddlers
Just a writer going through on life with a couple of meddlers passing by.
BronyofMeddlers
Joined 10th Nov, 2013 ·
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This is good but terribly confusing
4492874
Yes, it needs serious editing.
4492874 Sometime even the greatest stories, have the confusing beginnings. I will admit it's a bit confusing. Hopefully the next chapter can explain a bit.
4492879 Yes, it does. My grammar isn't all that great as you can see. Hopefully I can find someone who can help edit it.
4492894
Well, I am an editor for several members on this site already...
4492908 I don't want to bother you with more work if you don't want to.
From what I understood the story sounds interesting, but you are in serious need of an editor. Not so much for say spelling but for grammar and in straighting out your past and present tenses.
I know there an editor group on this site so I would really recommend putting in a request for one.
A few things. One: is English your first language? Two: this seems a bit rushed. Three: I get it but still confused.
4495410 Sadly English is my first language so I have no excuse on the grammars being terrible, second it is sorta rush, honestly I just wanted to get this out of the way for the exposition to end and focus on the story, I'm slowly realizing that perhaps I should look over a bit and try to make it not rushed. Thirdly is the back story confusing? Or the character themselves?
Both the back story and the characters are confusing so just slow down, take a breath and look it over. I appreciate your honesty
. I'm only a beginner writer as well so I can't tell you much but what I can say is to contact an editor or a friend to help you with the grammar and slow down a bit.
Okay. I feel sorry for 'the Boy'. So, he is going to need somepony to love and care for him before he gets his memory back. First, he has to be told where he is and why, then he has to be introduced to the masses. He has a long road ahead of him. A very long road indeed.
4500892 Right.
4502611 Thankfully he has his 'uncles' to help him out, but yes he does have a long road ahead of him.
4502686 However, they are not going to be there when he wakes up, are they?
4503074 Not all the time no, they have lives of their own as well.
4503078 I was talking about when he first wakes up, but nevermind, I read the third chapter. As for who is going to be teaching him, I have an idea, based on the character tags.
4503237 Question is, which one?
So far, so good. Gabe is adjusting quite well. Though the princesses may want to have a word with their guards and Discord. Discord mentioned the extra magic on Gabe and Thorja talked about him running around the night before.
I get the general gist of what you are saying, but there are a few mistakes.
'as he sees the sun setting down and the moon coming up.'
'are you suppose to be?'
'Didn't really hear about you in the old man's class earlier'
The 'is' doesn't belong.
There are more, but these are the ones I remember. Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter.
4508745 Thanks for your input and the errors, honestly I didn't see them from the lack of coffee I had earlier. I hope you don't mind 'borrowing' the ideas you just give me, about the one the princess's are talking with both Discord and the guards, hopefully they'll shut their mouth before they do something stupid.
As for him taking it well, he had to go through much more crazier things with his uncles, so this somewhat tame compare what he had to go through, even with the magic. Sure he's on another world, sure he found out that he can never return home, sure he can't remember what happen, but at least he's not living with one of his uncles, preferably Zero.
Or Sohm, because Sohm's...Unique in a way.
4508787 I don't mind at all. Happy to help.
4509817 Thank you.
How long will it take before Blueblood is introduced? I'm guessing that the moment he comes into the spotlight things will ...go down south to say politely.
4512105 Actually it is, the Princess are trying to make sure he gets nowhere near Gabe, and the reason for that will be show in the next chapter.
Do someone please explain to me what is the NSFW? I keep hearing it but I don't get what does it means
4538829 Not Safe For Work, it's a slang that is usually say and gives warning, because if you're reading this at a work place or some place public, your going to get fired, this type of word is use for the rated R and up, hope that give you some idea.
4538857
Hey thanks to tell you the true I'm a bit unsure on read it or not, on one hand I watch 'Ever Growing Friendship' and I like it, I think it show a really good perspective of inverse the roles of the sex on control, and how they deal and go easy on them…
…on the other I try to read 'Xenophobia' and to be honest…yeah I didn't like it, and abandon it after some chapter it wasn't because it was bad I suppose it is good its just…well there is a thing that the roles are reverse…and its another to now not only make all the mares just super strong but also make them super 'unnecessary' strong, and constantly tell 'humans are weak' Ever Growing was better because the roles where inverse but they RESPECT the human, and the ponies where not some super power force that need to protect the pathetic and weak human.
Sorry for rambling, just my opinion, and my explanation into why I'm conflicted in reading the story.
Just answer me, I'm ok with the role reverse, I'm ok with the human be weak, physically, and I'm ok with the minor xenophobia I mean it will make sense if an alien suddenly walk throw the streets…
…what I'm NOT ok is with the ponies suddenly be super powerful while the human never ONCE, got even a slight of respect, and is constant remind it that 'oh you are human you are weak so we must protect you' (again just how I saw Xenophobia and only to a certain degree)
So I ask you to please answer me this to see if read or not…does the human get respect and/or get some sort of power? and makes things more even as well as embrace the choose of a slight merge of cultures?
4538914 Oh boy, never had a question like this before, *sigh* okay I'll be honest with you.
At first he won't get respect, you may wonder why, but it's simple, he has to earn the respect and prove the ponies around him that there's more to him than they think. Because if I just make the ponies respect him because of reason one or reason two it won't be much effected. Like say a Private in the army giving orders to a group of veterans, it just won't work.
But if I let the ponies slowly respect him by seeing the way he act toward them and of others, then yes they will respect him, not much of the nobles ponies, because well, most of them of snobs so of course they won't respect him, aside of a few of course.
The military ponies might give him a benefit of the doubt, granted there will be few who just assume he's weak because of what he is, but let just say he will surprise them in many ways.
As for him getting power, I won't just making him get super strength, or super speed or all the super hero stuff, including magic, because if I just do that, then some and personally myself might see him as a Gary-Sue. However in a way he will get power, and when I say that I mean by influence, gaining favors and notices by some of the good nobles in Canterlot, you might say a certain Princess as well, but that's debatable, granted he has to earn that power, but he will get it.
And in a way his uncles are his power. Because they will willing kill, destroy, or pretty much anything for their nephew, it's like the old saying goes. 'If he's happy, we're happy, if he's sad, we're sad. And if he gets hurt, then we'll come over to your place, murder everyone that's important to you, and set your place in ruins as we slowly kill you and leave you to rot in the ground.' So yeah, his uncles are his power, granted he can't order them, but they do listen to him, at times.
And granted yes, some ponies and others will assume he's weak at first glance if they just meet him, but if they known him long enough, they'll be singing a different tune. As for the merge of culture, I'll be honest, I haven't exactly know much of the ideals of ponies, and Thestrals, and how their culture do things, but I'll do my best to appease on how they work.
However that doesn't mean I'll change things up, because if you notice a certain 'changeling tag' and put two and two together then you'll know something is going to happen, question is how? And for the 'love process' I won't promise it'll be worthy to set on a pedestal, but I will promise I'll try to make it good for you to read and enjoy.
Which means yes, I'll change a few things on the 'merging of cultures' as you ask, granted it won't be perfect, but hopefully something you'll get a kick out of. I hope you are satisfy with my answer. And hopefully you'll enjoy this story and characters.
4538974
Thanks that its all I wanted to hear, and I'm satisfy with that answer that its EXACTLY what I look for, Xeno had the right idea but his power was at best boss around and lead the mares do the heavy thing, and the respect was more like they see him like a chid in some degree.
'Friendship' on the other hand saw that and acknowledge that they are doing wrong and try to change, they are not complete solve but it has start and that its what I like unlike Xeno that leave things as there are.
And yeah, it answer me, satisfy my question and give me all that I need to know to read, thanks
P.S: Something must author seem to forget and you can add at some point is 'we humans learn' according to our surroundings we can improvised weapons, or try new angles to explore to defend, maybe he can go there…things ver simple of course but it will be a perfect valid point.
Well, I'm glad that Celestia and Luna are going to make sure that no one slips around Gabe. I'm also glad that Fleur is finally showing up. Is she going to be the one that will love him enough to deal with those awful memories? I also see this has Blueblood the ass (I prefer stories that show Blueblood in a positive light). Oh well. Just don't kill him off.
4539026 Thanks for the food for thought, yes the 'we humans learn' thing will be a nice touch, and possibly improve on the grand of things, unless of course someone else does that job for the Boy, which are the uncles. Of course that's all debatable as seeing I'm not far into it and haven't really develop for it, seeing that we are slowly staring the story, hopefully I'll figure something out.
Question is how to put it in without making it seem so stupid and confusing?
4539060 I'll try, my characters on the other hand, will make no promises, as for the love interest it's a bit of a yes and no scenario. At first she'll just be the model tutor who'll help him adapt to pony lifestyle, however after him and {Insert character name here for spoilers} are together and somethings happen here and there, then yes.
4539072
The enchanting object because of Trixie and the mirror we know that there are objects that can give you power, but with a price to pay, your sanity or time for it to work.
You can start with the metal or materials that could in fact absorb magic on some degree or another, basically make objects that he could explore, a ring that allow him to shoot a small fire ball or 4 before it gets to hot and start burning him… A glove that allows him to shoot ice but he only can use it for 30 seconds before getting froze bites…
Things like that, its just balance and use the imagination always remembering, to tune it down, to go over board.
4539123 Hmm, I may have a few ideas, and with the perks of having a few magical uncles, that could work, however there must be a reason that, wait got it. Won't spoil it but it'll be in the making, just got to put in the right moment.
Ah…dude I'm a bit confused you say you don't like gary stu characters, but so far those 8 uncles looks like pretty much invincible, and can do whatever they hell they please, seriously its getting as bit overkill don't you think? maybe you should tune down at least a bit?
4539900 okay you made a fair point. Honestly the story will be focus on Gabe himself rather the uncles, but yeah, I see your reasoning.
4540737
Thanks make sense since this is yet the beginning, and you are still just introducing the characters, but, and it was interest and all…but, now you say 'oh a barrier so powerful and defensive only gods can enter? no problem I will just open the door'
Remember to balance, I don't had a problems so far up until the final chapter with 'spell I never had seeing before' and the door thing, I though they spent a lot of power and energy in doing so, and as such are on a weak stated or something like that.
But if the uncles will not appear for a while, you focus on Gabe, and let the story begin, then I understand, so far I think this is just like the intro correct? Then it was over all good, up until the door incident. My advice, give the uncles enemies, beings that are equally if not stronger than they and hold a grudge, and they need to be careful with. That will balance things up.
P.S: Oh I also had an idea of how to deal with his dream traumas, a scale of memories back, that could make easier the punch
4541145 Hmm, interesting, I actually want to hear this idea, it may help make the story better, as for Zero coming in, that's bad on my part. Let me explain, unlike the other characters who are the 'uncles', Zero is the fourth-wall breaker type of character, which makes sense since he's the insane one, point is that when I thought about one of the uncles who are doing the slight exposition it was either Grey, or Zero.
Grey for one since he's the magic user, but it will feel like a stupid move, Zero on the other hand doesn't make sense and basically screw logic, which made me choose him, however from your perspective that's was a stupid move and I agree, I guess having Zero as the fourth wall breaker for so long and not explaining it will give me some repercussions of this story, don't worry I'll change it, but thanks for your input.
As for enemies I already handle that part, remember the 'females who steal and enslave men' part? Yeah not all of them are dead and want to hurt them very much so, and the biggest clue they got is the Boy, sadly they don't know where he is, so they have to face with the uncles.
Hopefully we might see some actions part of the two groups, but since this is a slice of life and the story is focus on the MC (Main character), we will see the fights in rare moments, as for the 'uncle who can kill anywhere' that itself is simple as well, unlike the other uncles, this one, dub Sohm, is a mercenary, someone who is quite good at killing, and since he got good on technology (like advance weapons, traps, and armor) and a dabble in enchantments (thanks to the magical uncles), it's safe to assume that Zero was spot on saying he can kill anywhere, since Sohm is a pro in the matters of killing people.
Now you may wonder why I just add the Sohm part, honestly I felt I had to including him if you were just wondering about him and first assume he's a Gary-Sue, which I don't blame actually, if I first saw that then I to would assume. Hopefully this will answer some questions you have.
4541213
yeah it answer, and its easy fix, just put Zero talking with them after they leave the room or just knocking since, 4th wall breaking or not, that place is design so nobody can enter, and then Discord just invite him inside, it will not make sense AND it will continue to respect the use of the room.
As for the idea its a bit complex so I better send it to you by PM in case you use it
4541273 Thanks for your input again. Rest assure I'll change it up.
Scars? really? all the magic on the world plus 2 goddess that pretty much show that they are in fact goddess AND a lord chaos that could say 'screw logic' and nobody thinks of 'hmmm perhaps we should remove the scars' Oh well, perhaps they only need a bit more healing before removing it.
I just hope…this woman's, they take mens and treat them like dogs…I will not be surprise if they also mark them like cows, THAT specific scar must be remove, or cover with another, I'm sure they need to.
4553776 Actually, you're right, they need to be sorta heal up since the scars haven't been tend to for over a year, not to mention there are plenty of...markings on him that might force the blocking to be removed quicker. Still that can be use as a question, so I'm not complaining!
TROLLZ...not into this stuff sorry
4554607 eh, that's your choice.
I might try it as it is said to be confusing in the beginning
4554617 ah yeup.
4554577
So…they eventually will erase the older scars complete so the block doesn't disappear before time?
Again Discord like him and don't want him mopey so if they ask he could take care of them
4555214 that or keep making him wear them, however it might be wise to allow discord to erase, them. But there's a slight problem, however that will be shown in the next chapter. Honestly I sorta expect more people to write down questions like crazy, I might have to wait a bit more before the rest decide to comment.
Are are a couple of mistakes I noticed:
I think you meant 'posture'.
You might mean 'odd'.
'pissed off'?
As for questions from the reporters, I have a couple:
I'm curious, but I don't know if any reporter will ask; can he interbreed?
Some authors say no; most say yes.
What is so special about this ape? What does it eat? Where will this thing be staying?
These are no so pretty questions that I expected those that are prejudice and/or xenophobic to ask. I'm sure if the CMC was there, they would ask if he has or gets a cutie mark?
My favorite part:
4555851 thanks for noticing them, and thanks for the questions, I was tired last night and had to cut short on trying to find errors I notice, in hindsight it was a good idea to put up the 'edit to be soon' there, less stress.
*looks at username*
Huh....go figure XD