What with defeating Tyrek and getting new duties and a castle, Twilight Sparkle is a very busy pony. She finds herself spending a lot less time with her friends. Eventually, they fall out of touch entirely. But one day, several years later, Twi gets a call that gives her horrible news. Fluttershy is in the hospital, dying slowly of cancer. Twilight rushes immediately to her side, but is sad to find how much has changed. And while this is happening, Twi finds herself wondering what life means, and if living is really important if it only ends up in death.
*Rated T for depression, sadness, and possibly a suicide attempt. NOTHING ELSE! This story is dedicated to all the people who have battled cancer or AIDS, no matter who they are, or if they have won or lost.*
Nice? A lot of mistakes though. You might want to recheck your work once your done.
So, Pumpkin and Pound retired with their parents? They'd be about 5, I think.
4467820
In the business world, we call this a successful early retirement. It is the stuff Dreams And Magic are made of, comrade.
Pound and Pumpkin probably have their own luxury yachts with indoor pools and jetskis by now.
When they get bored, they race around the town in Lamborghinis.
This sounds like a making of an excellent crackfic, if I do say so myself.
4467849 That is a good idea,
.
Crackfics are stories that are funny and not very serious, right? I've been looking for the name of that genre.
I like"
4467861
Yes, they are essentially joke stories or one-offs meant to titillate and amuse.
My hands are hella full at the moment, or I would have been on it like a Parasprite on a shiny apple.
Also, I would like to see more of this story.
I'm terrified of cancer. I stopped smoking cigarettes a while ago because I was terrified of getting lung cancer. I still drink alcohol, just much less so, and eventually, never.
Cancer is serious business, and it happens to a lot of people, so a story like this naturally piques my interest. It could easily become very gritty and personal. It touches me deeply on the inside.
Put a new chapter out guys. Not written on my phone so hopefully less mistakes. Thank you for all the love and support I have received on my second fanfic EVER. You guys are great. NOW GO READ!!!
U actually manage to bought a tear in my eye and thouth close.even if it was a short chapter u made me cry.
4469529 Wow, I wasn't expecting to do that yet! But I guess I cried when I wrote it so it makes sense. Sorry it is so short, but it was very late when I was writing it and I had to get some sleep! Already started the next chapter and I will post it as soon as I can.
4470734 Kay I guess!i hope u make me cry more in the further!
This should be made clear by the context of the story; marking at the start is very distracting. If your story doesn't make it clear whose point of view it is being told from, you have a problem.
Straight.
Overall, the story is a bit too telly; you dropped a whole bunch of exposition on the audience right off the bat, which feels very unnatural and offputting; this is something you should generally avoid doing, first off because it turns people off, and second off because it works better if you incorporate it naturally into the story. If you gradually reveal the world, people have to adjust less at any given time, which helps them get into the story.
Also, I would recommend, if you don't do it already, having someone read over your story; having at least one editor is really helpful for improving your writing, not only for your audience, but also for yourself, as most people who read your story won't give nearly as detailed of feedback as an editor will. There's lots of places you can ask for help around on FIMFiction.
If you'd like to see an example of what I'm talking about regarding incorporation of exposition into the story: Best Young Flier is a story which is generally pretty well received, set ten years after the "present" in the show, which manages to tell us about what is going on without dumping too much exposition on us at any given time.