This story revolves around Pony 207.
Pony 207 has no name. Pony 207 has no emotions. Pony 207 has no will. The day after Pony 207's birth, Pony 207 was taken to the disciplinary schools and given a number. Pony 207 only ate and worked. Occasionally receiving sleep as a reward. One day, Pony 207 had an unusual experience during sleep. Night after night Pony 207 had these. Then, learning from those, Pony 207 took charge of life.
And drove life into a huge-flank wall.
Picture credit goes to EStreet
GORE AND DARK THEMES ONLY SEEN FIRST FEW CHAPTERS
--------Thanks for advice, need to switch accounts-------
Btw....This is my first, uh, fanfic, so any advice would, like, help.
Chapters (5)
Ehhhhh. Not bad...
But my one major problem is that you say Pony 207 wayyyy to much. It wasn't as bad in this chapter as it was the last. But you can at least put he,him,himself. But i'll track it.
-Aqua
414979 Yea, I got to that problem, kinda overkilled it a bit on the first chap&first half of the second, but I kinda gets settles a bit as he'll get a name ( not his temp )
Awesome story, it has a nineteen eighty four-ish feeling. one problem, you need a nickname for the Krovozhadnyes, "the krows" is a good suggestion
If I might ask, what was your inspiration for this? It's really good, but weirdly familiar, like an old movie or a book. That being said, brilliant idea for a pony story, hope to see more of it.
The plot thickens...
First off, welcome to the wonderful world of fanfic writing! Second, your description. It's awesome. It makes me want to read the story. That's great. The story itself, however, needs a bit of work. Here's what I have for the first chapter, starting from the beginning:
"It is the year... the year unknown. Calendars aren't needed. Especially when there's nopony why has the time to even keep track of time."
This should be "It is the year... the year is unknown. Calendars aren't needed. Especially when there's nopony who even has the time to keep track of time." I assume that "why" was a "who".
Your exposition paragraph could flow a bit better. Try to practice the idea of "showing, not telling". For example, instead of saying this:
"In one of these factories, there was an ash-grey pony, who, along with the other ponies in the ash-grey pony's sector, were constantly working. Each pony with a number branded on their flank. On the ash-grey pony's flank, there was the number [207]."
You could say something like this:
"Thick, choking, smog billowed out of the factory's smokestacks. It twisted and turned in the air, snapping this way and that, as if angry at the very sky itself. The sky, too, seemed angry. In the light of the fading sun, it shone a vivid red, almost bloody. Yes, perhaps bloody was a good way to put it, considering recent history.
All this terrible beauty was lost on a certain ash-grey pony, toiling inside one of Angrovox's many factories. Like all the others in his sector, he knew nothing but the endless cycle of work and sleep that had been his life since the beginning. On his flank, as with every other pony he knew, there was a number, burned in like a brand. His was 207."
Obviously, that's just a rough interpretation, and you by no means have to follow it or care about it, but I hope you see what I'm trying to get at here. Instead of the reader being told "Character X did this.", they get to see character X do that, and then react accordingly. Imagine if, in Star Wars, instead the epic Vader versus Luke fight scene, we just got a black title card that said "And then they fought, and Darth Vader said "Luke, I am your father." It would suck, right? It's pretty much the same deal with stories. You don't want to force your story upon your audience, you want them to imagine it naturally. The more imagery, the better.
A couple other minor stylistic/ tone things:
(These are just me being nitpicky, so feel free to disregard them.)
Don't use backslashes (/) in fiction writing. It just looks odd. Use a hyphen (-), or just clarify the things being compared further instead.
I'm not sure why you keep referring to your main character as "Pony 207" or "The ash-grey pony" instead of "he". I would understand if you wanted to keep their gender nonspecific, but then you refer to him as "he" in your last paragraph.
You really only need three exclamation points at the absolute most. Any more just looks silly.
Avoid casual interjections such as "yup" when writing, unless you are deliberately aiming for a casual, conversational tone (which I don't think you are). They break immersion in the story and stop the reader from feeling the emotions you want them too.
In a similar vein, try not to directly address the reader as "you" ("and if your number is picked, the execute you however they please"), for the same reasons.
"A long moat, similar to the one pigs use." I believe you meant "trough", not moat. A moat is a trench or hole dug around a building to store waste water and keep out intruders. A trough is a container for feed for farm animals, including pigs.
If you're using italics to symbolize location shifts in the story, make sure to italicize every shift. "5 axes and 1 guillotine blade later..." should be italicized as well. Even though it tells the passage of time, the story still jumps to a new location afterwards.
Always write out numbers in fiction. 173 should be one-seventy-three.
Grammar stuff:
"It's" is the contracted form of "it is". "Its" is the possessive form of the pronoun "it". Most of the time, you want "its", not "it's". Example: "licked it's lips". should be "licked its lips".
You switch tenses a lot. Try to stay in tense your story is written in all the time, otherwise it gets confusing.
Example: "its smile growing wider" should be "its smile grew wider", since most of your story is written in the past tense.
You also seem to be missing various important bits of punctuation, capitalization, and transitioning words throughout the story. I would recommend finding a proof-reader, whether it's someone you know IRL, or, if you are a semi-closet brony, like myself, any of the fine people on this website. Another person catching errors that you miss and making suggestions about your writing can go a long way towards improving your story. I would help, but I am about to leave for a vacation and will not have internet access for the next week or so.
Aaaand that's all I've got. I haven't read the second chapter yet (it's about 2 AM where I am now, so I apologize if some of this is incoherent), but I will try to get to it tomorrow.
In conclusion, I think it's a great premise, I love your description, and the writing itself shows promise. With a little clean-up, polish, and fleshing out, it could be something great!
Hope this helps,
-Sub
I'd take Stereo_Sub's advice if I were you. Although the premise is good, your writing needs a lot of work. Additionally, it's way too rushed.
415194 Hotdiggitydawg bro
, that's some good advice, I'll take it to mind, Thanks a lot!
Again, I'm kinda new, so advice it greatly appreciated!
415194 Although, I'll utilize in in the following chapters, If I have time then I'll fix the others. 415088 I have another story called "Sweet Celestia what have I done?" that will cause men to lose their testicles and women to barf it out onto the man's face...BUT good question, I never really thought about it, just about 4 hours earlier I was like, I should write a serious novel...and I did, making it up as I go. -I also cut out a chapter...but I don't think I should put it back up...
415061 Fun fact: Krovozhadnye is Russian for 'Bloodthirsty' I always thought it sounded cool oh, and I'll use that if ya don't mind. 415138 Yea, Now..TASTE THE CHAPTER 4 CLIFFHANGER
Ah, yes.
You will soon find out that Frost will have one of the weirdest secrets.
And I'm not shipping him with Twilight!
As far as I know anyway.
Do you have an editor?
415499 Ummm...I just started writing....*counts fingers* about 6 hours ago, so...no not really, but I plan for this to be a long book, and finish it by the end of next week. And, just putting this out there for everyone to see, chapter five is gonna go kick flank.
415518 Long do you plan on it being?
415531 The Average-ish number of pages in fanfics.
Take a guess
415537 I'm not really sure there is an average.
Anyways, are you sure you want to finish it within the week? That seems a bit rushed. If you take more time with your writing, you would be able to create a better end product.
415546 Yea, guess your right, anyway I have an excuse for spelling errors, I blame the dubtrot I listen to while typing. ( Pony Dubstep )
Anyways, I'll give this fic a fair chance and see how it goes.
415558 That actually means a lot to me, thanks!
im getting a tizzle twist of terminator.
415631 Not sure where you got that from...but ya know, you gave me an idea...
Ah yes, see? This chapter was better written than your others, at least in my opinion.
Also, it's The Doctor!
Your grammar still sucks, but you're improving! Keep it up!
417213 i got it because of robot tyrant overlords
415194 Oh, hope you don't mind, but I wanna give you a honorable mention for the remake of 'Hell above ground'
417918 I oh so very much agree, but I rush-made these chapters, so I'll fix em' before I continue. 419422 Stop giving me ideas...or somepony is gonna get hurt by something you may have mentioned...that doesn't sound that bad...
417368 Your a big help, not as much as Stereo_Sub ( no offense ) but helpful none the less, I'll give a shout out to you at some point.
Chapter 1 updating, during work I thought about it, and also added when the Krows came, and the back story to the fate of everypony before Frost.
Oh, and, any name suggestions instead of Frost?
420141 None taken.
I'm well aware that his advice was much more detailed than mine. 
420141 SUPER MEGA ULTRA DARK ULITMATE INVINCIBLE INFINITE LEGENDARY IMPOSSIBLE !HOLY FUCK CHAKY CHAN KILLED JESUS!
420232
.......
........
IDEA!!!!
Holy sweet damn, Frost's story is much more different, along with his time, you may want to re-read the first chapter, just wait till I give the o.k.
It's not that bad for someone learning English, eh?
EDIT:All gued nao, not the best, but better. Fixed chapter two a bit also.
420141
I don't mind at all!
Yo, This account is now 'Invalid', along with everyother account linked with my e-mail address
, so, yea,
I kinda have a new story now, 
but, thanks for the tips!
BTW-My avatar is an accurate representation of Frost
"YES, BUT I'M THE SMARTEST!!!" that line made my day. then again, if the doctor and more importantly, the tardis, is real, then my "day" has little to no meaning.
wish this would continue...