It is a legend, passed for a millennium. Sadly, ponies believed it when their ruler said, “Nightmare Moon is a bitter pony.” But when Octavia, an uptight cellist, finds herself in a gloomy part of town, she finally sees the real world. Discovering her love in a rebel and a tyrant's secret, she becomes the new target of a federal organization that may rip this “perfect” world apart. Now Octavia must choose between love and death itself.
(Cover art belongs to Octavain. Deviantart: http://octavain.deviantart.com)
Chapters (2)
Commence judging.
On a writing site that has writers critique each other, that wouldn't be the motto I'd use. You're just begging for someone to judge your writing.
Poorly written and it retreads the same ground of "Nightmare Moon did nothing wrong, Celestia is a monster!" that everyone loves. /s
Alrighty then. Downvotes abound, so I guess it's time to get to work.
First off, formatting. Never have more than one character speak in a paragraph. So this:
should be this:
The reason this matters is because it's very easy to lose track of who's saying what when you cluster multiple speakers together, and unless you're trying to cause confusion, that's bad.
Next, pacing. This is the big one for you. In the stretch of 929 words, we jump from Octavia's house to an unidentified rehearsal room to the Grand Galloping Gala to a club somewhere to some kind of room in the back. I have no idea what any of this looks like because you didn't tell me, except for the Gala, and only because that's in the show. I also know nothing about any of these characters, especially Octavia, which is really bad, since she's your protagonist.
Basically, you need to go back and describe everything and give your characters a chance to act and react. Otherwise, I have no idea where they are or who they are, and I stop caring. You also need to take the time to build a scene. Each of your settings - the house, the rehearsal, the gala, the club, and the back room - could easily be individual chapters at least 1,000 words long. And they should be. This is how you build atmosphere and suspense - establish a character with desires and quirks, then challenge them and ruin all their plans and, somehow, have them come out on top in the end.
4877026 I really like how you offered so much helpful advice on this story. Very kind of you and I agree 100% with your suggestions. Keep the positive work up as its always nice to see someone offering a kind critique.