Holographic Rain

by Herpsyderpsy

Dark Side of Canterlot

*BEEP* *BEEP*! “Oh…5 more minutes…,” I mumbled. “Ughwhy is it shdgduhdis 'o'clock now?” I struggled to get my blankets off of me. As I lifted myself from my bed, a knock came at the door. “Oh, I'm coming!” I grumbled, reaching for the door knob. “Yes, welcome to the Melody household. Population: 1 unappreciated musician.”

“Oh, sorry Ms. Unappreciated-Musician,” It was the ditzy mail mare. “I think I have the wrong letter. It's for an Octavia Melody.” “That would be me, ma'am.” I took the letter from her hooves and closed the door behind me. I looked at the inscription and it lifted my spirits. It was from the Canterlot Orchestral Foundation, and that could only mean one thing.

I opened the letter and read, ‘Dear Ms. Melody, after hearing your composition and your revival of many famous pieces, we've come to a conclusion that we would LOVE for you to play with our orchestra at the one and only Grand Galloping Gala!’ “I-I…” I stuttered with glee as I trotted towards my cello. “Oh my Celestia,” that was the last time I had ever said that expression. “The Gala is today!”

I walked into the doors of Canterlot Castle, mesmerized by everything, even the curtains. But now I know it's all a lie. “Why hello, ma'am.” I looked up at the source of the soothing voice. It was from Celestia. “Uh… your highness!” I blindly bowed. “The orchestra is upstairs, preparing for their sets.” She guided me to the rehearsal room.

“Ms. Melody? You're late.” As I entered, a strict voice came from an uptight mare, even for me. “I am Bright Eyes, the CEO of the Canterlot Orchestral Foundation.” The tuba player said in an obviously fake Trottingham accent. “Due to you being 30 minutes late, answering our letter 7 hours before rehearsal starts, having an unpolished cello case, and not putting your bow tie on straight, you will only be playing 1/8 of our concerto. Understood, Ms. Melody?” I nodded, frightened. “Okay boys, let us head down to the central stage. And as for you,” she sharply pointed her hoof at me. “Do not drag us down into failure.” I gulped, hoping I can calm myself before the start of the Gala.

The concerto was terrible! I didn't even get to finish my set because of that hyper energetic country girl! I was in an unknown part of Canterlot to me. When I thought things couldn't get any worse, *BOOM*! Thunder struck as I tried to find my condo. Over the storm, I heard a heavy bass. I squinted my eyes, trying to find where the beat was coming from. Suddenly, I saw colored lights shining. I felt as if they were calling to me.

I entered a mysterious club, one I've never heard of before. When I got inside, I sprinted toward the bar. “What can I get ya?” The bartender asked me.

“Cider, please.” I drank as the DJ made an announcement.

“Alrighty, it's midnight! Her moon is sky high, and now let's get this party higher!” I trotted to the DJ to ask her a few questions.

“Excuse me?! May I please ask you a question?!” I shouted over the bass.

“Neon, take over,” the DJ whispered to the stallion next to her. She signaled me to come to the back. “You aren't from around here, are you?” She said when we entered the room. “Well, I'm Vinyl Scratch and welcome to this club!” The door slammed behind us.

The room was dark. I couldn't see anything at all. “She found us.” A candle flickered, but it didn't do much.

“Are you with my sister?” I was confused. “I-I'm sorry, I have n-no idea what you're talking about…” The mare sighed. “Vinyl, please illuminate the room.”

“Of course, your highness.” Vinyl Scratch said.

“Your…high—–” I finally saw her face. She was a beautiful alicorn with light blue hair and cyan eyes. Behind her was a weird box.

“Please answer us when we speakest to you…” the mare whispered, sounding as if she was weakened.

“Who else is speaking to me?” She obviously couldn't read my befuddled face.

“Never mind that. I am the sister of Celestia.”
“N-Nightmare Moon?!” I was shaking with fear. But I calmed down. She looked as if she needed my help, my sympathy.

“I knew she'd twist the story. But I can assure you, I am fine. My name is Princess Luna and it shall remain that.”

“But, what about when you attacked the Summer Sun Celebration?” I asked as we walked into a basement.

“That was not me. Celestia created a shadow pony to make me look like the villian. Like many before me.” We finally made it to a locked door. When Luna took out a key and unlocked a door, we walked into a room full of empty orbs. “These orbs used to be full of the artificial shadows of many noble creatures.”

“Why would she do this?” I asked.

“Glory. She'd put Equestria in danger to make her look good. That bitch.” The DJ spitefully replied.

“Now, now, Ms. Scratch,” The alicorn stopped the pony before a sea of profanity flowed out of her mouth. “She is my sister and I do still love her. But she isn't the same mare I knew as a foal. She is a corrupt one, who is not afraid to sacrifice her loved ones.” A siren suddenly rang unexpected.

Author's Note:

Here's the official first chapter of my first fic! Hope this makes you feel Tavilicious. I'll be pretty slow when posting chapters, especially when the work season starts. But my inspiration for this story was how Luna wasn't at the Gala. If you have any questions, just comment below!

Comments

[IncinerateChicken]

Commence judging.

[Gleaming]

No judging.

On a writing site that has writers critique each other, that wouldn't be the motto I'd use. You're just begging for someone to judge your writing.

[That_one_guy]

Poorly written and it retreads the same ground of "Nightmare Moon did nothing wrong, Celestia is a monster!" that everyone loves. /s

[Scribblestick]

Alrighty then. Downvotes abound, so I guess it's time to get to work.

First off, formatting. Never have more than one character speak in a paragraph. So this:

“Oh, sorry Ms. Unappreciated-Musician,” It was the ditzy mail mare. “I think I have the wrong letter. It's for an Octavia Melody.” “That would be me, ma'am.”

should be this:

“Oh, sorry Ms. Unappreciated-Musician,” It was the ditzy mail mare. “I think I have the wrong letter. It's for an Octavia Melody.”
“That would be me, ma'am.”

The reason this matters is because it's very easy to lose track of who's saying what when you cluster multiple speakers together, and unless you're trying to cause confusion, that's bad.

Next, pacing. This is the big one for you. In the stretch of 929 words, we jump from Octavia's house to an unidentified rehearsal room to the Grand Galloping Gala to a club somewhere to some kind of room in the back. I have no idea what any of this looks like because you didn't tell me, except for the Gala, and only because that's in the show. I also know nothing about any of these characters, especially Octavia, which is really bad, since she's your protagonist.

Basically, you need to go back and describe everything and give your characters a chance to act and react. Otherwise, I have no idea where they are or who they are, and I stop caring. You also need to take the time to build a scene. Each of your settings - the house, the rehearsal, the gala, the club, and the back room - could easily be individual chapters at least 1,000 words long. And they should be. This is how you build atmosphere and suspense - establish a character with desires and quirks, then challenge them and ruin all their plans and, somehow, have them come out on top in the end.

[Psi-nova]

4877026 I really like how you offered so much helpful advice on this story. Very kind of you and I agree 100% with your suggestions. Keep the positive work up as its always nice to see someone offering a kind critique.