Six different ponies. One problem. They must go against the rule of a a mad god-like creature in order to escape a foreign land. They will learn that they can't trust anyone and that everything isn't what it seems . . .
Chapters (15)
- Member Since 7th May, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 14th, 2022
Tiaa OwO
I'm possibly the weirdest girl you'd meet. I love to draw, write, read, and I've developed a love of learning and understanding new languages and cultures. I alos love tomake new friends. :)
Tiaa OwO
Joined 7th May, 2013 ·
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This was a nice read. Sometimes during the story, it feels like the story isn't flowing right, but I brushed that off.
4431923 Can you tell me where, specifically, the story felt that way???
4432186 A few times where the 3 colts were feeling that they were being followed or watched, and when they were interacting with eachother at the end.
*After flash yells at blueblood*
Prince blueblood:(sarcastically)Oh no need to thank me for doing at least something to distract the vampire and freezing her long enough that we got away.Your quuuuite welcome dear guard.
4433424
That honestly make me laugh really hard!
4432875 No, no. One was being followed by the other, (Flash being followed by Blueblood) one was being followed by the vampire girl, (Caramel) and the other one was doing the following (Blueblood following Flash).
4436954 Glad you liked it.
I hate when people just thumbs down a story that could be better without giving any criticism as to why they thumbed it down. For example I can see where you were trying to squeeze in 1000 words by going on an entire paragraph on Maxxi's appearance but for some that feels unnecessary. I haven't tried this myself but I think after you get the first chapter out of the way,its fine to submit the other chapters even if there's less dialogue.
Maybe to test that,copy/paste this chapter somewhere to save it it,then trying making your description of Maxxi short to just her clothing. Then see if you can submit it. If not just delete the change and paste back your original stuff from where ever you saved this.
I have submitted your story to a few groups that help with editing and reviewing of stories so you can get more feedback. You can also ask around those groups I submitted your story to about what you could try to improve it and if they will review it to give you some better criticism then me.
Only other thing I can say to help is maybe ask for or find a better art cover for your story. i know a guy currently doing art trades who could help you out with that here.Eternity
4447188 Thanks. I actually have a blog out to get cover art and stuff but no one really chacks it out sooo
.
I'll change it and see if it makes a difference.
Thanks again.
4447188 I shortened the clothes discription. I think maybe I need a picture of a vampire anthro for my story
Yo, Brunette. Your red-head friend pulled out a knife on her. She has the right to(At least in America.) kill you and claim self defence.
4447634
You crack me up sometimes.
4457727 Yes. I'm glad you got that because I'm trying to give them individualized personalities.
Possible future Maxii/blueblood?
Carry on.
Good to see hes improving his fighting skills a bit more.
4565599 He kinda needs to, fighting cold-blooded, blood-sucking night creatures and all.
4565599 Just created a new cover pic and I'm feeling ecstatic!!!
4779661 I see it. Looks good.
4780609 Thank you
4783745 Yep. And their pretty cool. Your point?
4788270 I see. I willbe sure to make changes in weapons in later chapters.
4789794 No prob
Why the fuck would Prince Blueblood of all ponies be carrying garlic around for no reason?
.....And no one questioned her choice of clothing?
The slowest .40 S&W round goes at 1.050 ft/s. There is no way she could have dodged that. I don't care that she;s a vampire.
4869876 Okay, that first comment can be answered by reading further...
Second comment... Nope. They didn't.
Third comment.....Well...I really don't know what to say about that...supernatural creatures work in supernatural ways...?
4872156 The answer to the third one is like saying Moka from Rosario Vampire can dodge a .50 BMG round fired from an anti material rifle.
4874356 I see. I just felt at that moment that it seemed logical for her to dodge it. It's just how I saw it in my head... since it wouldn't really harm her anyway.
4882494 ....Wouldn't harm her.....
Wouldn't harm her.....So a FUCKING .40 CALIBER BULLET WOULDN'T HARM HER?
4884437 .......
Yea, and pretty much all of the other vampires....well....not all of the other vampires. Of course, how long they stay injured from ordinary weapons and how fast they can be actually depend on their power levels. There are certainly other vampires who would have dodged the bullet and would have been able to snatch the gun right out of his hands a few seconds after. Like, the head vampires for example.
4884462 It would at least knock her on her ass and probably cripple an organ for a minute.
4884580 Yea...more or less...
4884602 Yeah.
4884608 Glad I got this chapter out of the way. I've been wanting to create another serious fight scene
4884622 Alright.
I don't know, I think fire would fuck up everything...I also doubt salt is going to do much to anything.
5056051 Fire? Salt? *looks left then right and gives you a confused look* What the heck are you talking about? I didn't put anything about salt or fire.
5056051 Oh oh OH! Nevermind, I didn't realize which chapter you were talking about before I commented. Those things work in some stories/movies while other things kill/injure them in others. I like these methods the best.
5056552 Well, fire would still kill anything. Especially if you use Napalm.
5057204 True, but if I just said "Oi! Fire kills everything!" It wouldn't be much fun, would it? Plus, these are supernatural creatures. Not everything affects others. Some may be affected by fire while others cannot.
You've inspired me!!!
5059021 Really? Yay! To do what?
5059155 To write a story based around one of my own personal OC's
5059246 Oh, I see. I'd love to read a story like that by you.
5059274 *blushes* Awwww thanks darling
5059288 *giggles* You're welcome!
5059317
5059327 I've been thinking of doing a crossover of your world with this story as of late. With the way it turns out in my head, I think you'll either be stoked or surprised.
5059341
I think I'll be pretty stoked