- Member Since 13th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 12th, 2015
Surry
A pool boy by trade. A rocker at heart. A writer by soul. And not afraid to show my face.
Surry
Joined 13th Dec, 2013 ·
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..... so basically these versions of them are heartless, murdering, vampire assisting, lesbian psychopaths? Wow, you successfully put about 85% of everything the Church hates in 1,011 words. I am impressed.
MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes, I would like moar.
4404101 since when did the church hate Heartlessness and murdering, have you seen their God? He would commit geniside every ten minutes. know what here, check out this video.
This doesn't even look remotely interesting. Do you even TwiDash?
*Reads comments*
I... uh.... umm... Not sure if want....
I'm all for Twidash and everything the church hates though... meh.
*reads*
I... uh.... umm.... still not sure if want.
That was... in a word, pointless. I mean, it was well written for what it was, but... there just wasn't anything really there to enjoy. No world to get immersed in, no conflict to struggle with, no... nothing. Just mindless violence for the sake of violence. Not to mention it has every action movie cliche ever, and while I know what you were going for with that, even a satire needs a point or it's just as dull and cliched as the genre it's based on. Or at least I hope this was supposed to be a satire and not taken seriously.
I want to try an exercise. In your mid, replace the werewolves with other people. This is suddenly a story about two delusional psychopaths on a killing spree. This just got even more disturbing, didn't it? Personally that's a story I'd like to read; two of the M6 (preferably Twidash) breaking and killing, like, everyone. Watching as they struggle against their own minds while at the same time killing and keeping ahead of the law. While the rest of the girls struggle to cope with it, if they haven't already been killed. Celestia dealing with the fact that her student has become a deranged psychopath. That would be a story with a point. Aa it is, it's an (admittedly well-written) piece of action-movie gore without anything to get invested in or really enjoy.
4404886 Well, if you're going to post and publish something, you should expect to get some criticism.
At some point during the story, I was expecting a Dick Cheney joke somewhere in the Comments section.
"Sorry, I thought you were a deer."
Moar basard moar. Avain allies, demon enimies, HELLBOY!!!! Ultra fight for rrandome bs and glory.
4404531
I'm going to have to agree with this summary.
The writing here is well done, and I'm genuinely impressed by the change in your narrative and the progress in it from some of your earlier pieces. Seriously, cudos for that.
That being said... I don't know what else to do with this. It was short, nonsensical, and I'd seriously consider adding a random tag to this. Like Kod said, it's violence for the sake of being violence, and there's no worldbuilding to it or anything, and the more I think on it the more I believe it seriously needs a random tag.
4415974 k.
4404204 ever heard of the Ten Commandments? #Something: Thou shall not kill. Basically the Church doesn't want genocide, but when a ruler wants to got to war, they can't really do anything to stop him. Plus they have a fuckton of corrupt people.
4417373 Okay, I was trying to make a joke, I guess it would have been better if it wassaid in the right tone of voice, to bad I'm typing.
I....really don't know what to say about this. I like the idea but this feels more like a preview to a story than an actual story.
4417596 Close...
This was pretty good! I liked it, but as I read the other comments, one caught my eye. This does feel live a preview for a much bigger story, if more will come I'll be on the look out!
4417409 ah typing, makes it impossible to make a good sarcastic joke. I think someone actually did a joke on TV about it, in the end, they ended up with a fully grown man in a Hansel costume... who would even think that up? What is wrong with people these days?!
I wish there was more
If you could make this into a full time story I would love you forever.O_O