Hey, I used to write cringy fics on her a few years ago, but I'm back and am hopefully alot better at it!
when a thunderstorm forces rainbow dash to stay at applejack's house. however when applejack wakes up to a certain cyan pegasus kissing her she is confused about what she should do next. A huge thanks to Masako Hime for this AMAZING front cover.
Page generated in 0.104 seconds
Total duration
936 users online
2,533,537 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
this is my very first fic
i hope you all like it
401845 I feel like I've seen this title before... but the way you wrote the title (unless it's intentional) is kind of a turn off for me.
403621: Wel your right because there are 2 other fics with that name.
Hmm.... As far as first stories go, it wasn't THAT bad.
The whole trip down memory lane for RD felt... unneeded. Simply put, the story didn't advance in the slightest with a retelling of her past in that she never discusses it with AJ or brings out the emotional side of herself. Future chapters perhaps? (Logic says 'yes!')
Conveying an emotional scene like RD's parent's deaths is hard unless your prepared to delve deeper into her ego or else the reader feels nothing as you tell instead of show. Also, the whole scene my brain screamed at how RD didn't know her OWN PARENTS we're dead until 3 days later even though she is a filly and obviously doesn't have a home of her own yet. How does that slip by?
From what I can tell now, This really isn't something I haven't seen a hundred times over from other fics. Thunderstorms locking potential lovers with each other has been a plot device ever since that one MLP episode.
ok guys this is just the first chapter there will be more and they will explore deeper into RD's memory come on seriously how much do you expect from the first chapter. dont worry all will be explained
it kindof seems like a big long list of words strung together needs a bit of editing especially with ending marks like question marks and run-on sentences like this one and capitalization of names.
You did AJ's accent pretty well, and Big Mac's lines too; but there at the end, it seemed like the resolution happened a bit too quickly.
403714
Well, let's put it this way. The first chapter in an incomplete story will either pull a reader in to continue to read it, or repel them and move on.
The first impression ALWAYS matters.
fair enough chapter 2 is ready guys
Sure it wasn't a particularly amazing fanfic, but why all the dislikes? I mean come on we shouldn't even have a dislike bar, just a like bar and whoever likes the fic can click it. The whole idea of a dislike bar is pretty dumb anyway. Back on topic: I loathe the AppleDash pairing, but it wasn't a horrible fic, and shouldn't have such a bad like/dislike ratio. Although I did notice some grammar problems, you should try to proofreading. I'm not gonna be tracking this fic but I may read and like it if you have the story develop in an interesting way. Also, you should try not to use the word "said" too much, it makes a story a bit repetitive and boring.
thanks man ill start fixing that rite away thanks man appreciated it
i think it was a good fanfic i really don't see whats up with all the hate but oh well. i think this story just need to gain a few more chapters and it will start to become an interesting story and as the first story s1nest33rph33r has written o think its a good start
Alright. From what I can tell, it isn't -that- bad for a first ever fic. You do need a lot of improvements though.
as for pure educational purposes:
-
“And ah’m supposed to be serving the food”. Applejack opened the door and darted to the town square as Rainbow shot out of the window towards town square.they both arrived standing next to each other at the festival and much to their surprise they saw that their jobs had been taken care of. Big Macintosh was at the apple stall.
-
Bolded part:
Try to avoid repeating the exact same phrase too often or in quick succession. The best thing to do, if you want to say the same thing, is to use synonyms instead. What you could try as well is to simply reference it instead of using the word.
-
Applejack opened the door and darted to the town square, with Rainbow shooting out of the window, heading in the same direction
-
Also, try to avoid over-symplifying things. in that same paragraph, you fit AJ and RD being at the farm, them -realizing- they need to be somewhere else, them -going- there, and them -arriving there- , all in just three lines of text. You could expand it so much further, by taking (for example) a paragraph for them realizing they're late, giving some background information and explanations on what is going on, then taking a paragraph for their rush towards the town, and then another for them arriving there and finding out about whatever happened.
Keep in mind that doesn't mean you should just cut the three lines into three paragraphs. You should try to expand those three lines into more detailed explanations, giving the reader more of a chance to follow the story. By writing more you also slow the story down, can be a good thing as well.
~R-B-D
i agree with the trip down memory lane. It wasn't particualrly necessary. At one point I also felt like Iwas trying to read a raging river, what with lack of punctuation and grammar and such. Run on sentences and bad proofreading are the death of many decent fics. I also found the like-dislike ratio disturbing. I know this is a first chapter and an overused plot device, but it was good nonetheless. Characters seemed spot on as far as I could tell. I'm gonna track to see if theres significant improvement. The RainbowJack pairing seems uncommon, but not exactly a bad pairing, both are athletic,and both are streetwise. So it seems only natural for some mote of attraction to be present. Even if the way they are built are totally different (pegasi vs. earth pony)
NOTE: when I say uncommon I mean this is the first time i've read about this pairing.
After reading the first two chapters, it's not bad for your first fic. I would make sure to proofread everything before you post anything, and if you can, have someone else read it before you post. Another set of eyes never hurts, and can save you time in editing chapters.
Everything R-B-D said is good advise as well.
Side note: You a fan of Applecores and Rainbows, aren't you?
to add to what bigredfrew commented i did read chapter 1 and 2 be for s1nest33r posted them and my grammars a lot worst then his probably so maybe some one with a higher understanding of writing should check for any mistakes. but i do agree on what hes saying just maybe s1nest33r u should get more the one over person to check it
applecores and rainbows was the first appledash fic i read
Like said above it's good for a first fic. And one simple request. Please capitalise your I's it drives me nuts when people don't do that. (You can thank my grade 8 and 9 English teacher for that.)
Thumbs up
482631thanks
403987
It will not be your last. Definitely not.
I think the AppleDash pairing fic is the second most common type of fic, after HiE fics and before badly made Cupcake remakes.
Grammar Nazi...ACTIVATE!
No, the grammar! The punctuation! The Capital letters! THEY'RE ALL WRONG!
FIX this. Trixie commands you.
MORE
completely unrelated post.
4.bp.blogspot.com/_xJe5lIVmrYs/TDVrnwHh95I/AAAAAAAAAAM/q-U4mJ0RteY/s1600/chicken_dick.jpg
personal joke in between me and s1nest33rph33r
just for new readers my name WAS s1nest33rph33r
Sorry but that was shit.
you just had the changeling all wrong.
also why did celestria just go yup ill heal the changeling one of the most hated things in equestria.
every one was way too accepting just.... disappointing chapter.
538971 *sighs* celestia is an all forgiving princess and lets face it she doesnt have a horn she isnt going to be dangerous and the changelings in my little pony dont exist. they are nothing like the real ones in mythology so dont give me that shit. watch yourself at school tomorow ross
539142
=/
One it was just a badly written chapter
Two i wasn't saying changelings are evil like the ones in mythology
Three every one was just to trusting and forgiving i know there ponies who are very trusting and forgiving but still you just writ it bad it should of gone into more detail the changeling should of earned there trust in more then a few words that story line could of easly been spread for a few chapters as a sub story but instead you spread it on one badly written chapter.
waste of a idea really
Four you barely showed how each character felt about the situation you should of gone more into detail about how the characters felt about what was happening instead of all characters agreeing and accepting the plan no questions asked
five The Changelings only just invaded Cantalot and hurt meany ponies in the process do you really think that Celestria would be in the best of moods to be helping (and not just helping give the changeling its one effective weapon it horn back) one of Equestrias biggest threats.
Six do you really think the changeling would of accepted the help of the ponies and trusted them? how much anti pony propaganda do you think there queen told them to convince them that it was a good idea just to attack Equestria.
not bad i have seen worse like my own lol