ColD aS stOnE
ColD aS stOnE
I don't know how long I've been here, but to tell the truth, I don't really care. All I can do right now is remember, to look back on one's past. My past. I try and I try again and my past is clear yet I feel an empty void like space covering my memories. Maybe it is because I'm cold, maybe its because I'm "alone". No...wait I'm not alone am I? I have that thing I'm always running away from. That thing I used to see in my nightmares.
No. This is to much.....I must remember again. All I remember was my friends celebrating the defeat of the princesses with me.....
tHey WaNTEd To BE DEfatEd RigHT?
Then Tirek, the one I trusted came up to me and put me....in here. And here there is only darkness. Never ending darkness that goes on and on for miles. Using the magic I once had I could defeat the darkness though. When I slept I had dreams about how I defeated the darkness. The dreams comforted me for a while before I went deeper into "insanity" and now won't sleep ever again. I think Rainbow dash used to go on about "beauty sleep" or something like that but I now know sleep is a waste of time.
NOw I CaN LOoK BACk AnD FInD OuT WhErE I WenT wrONG.
I must have gone wrong somehow, mustn't I? My plan had started out perfect.
Get Celestia For making me grow up to be a monster.
Get Luna for not making the nightmares go away.
Kill Cadence for her strong cruel laugh against me.
Smile and wave.
Smile and wave.
I wish I could be Fluttershy right now and just dig through the darkness head first, not caring the slightest about how she couldn't see anything. Fluttershy used to always be there for me, all my friends used to be there for me. I have the feeling I disappointed them. I wish I knew how.
FluTTerSHy HElp ME
Wait that was defiantly Fluttershy right? Look at me, I can't even remember my friends that clearly let alone my memories. Sometimes I wonder if the memories I have are still mine or someone else's. Sometimes I think there that thing's. To tell the truth in the end that would make a lot of sense. Maybe the monster even looks like me since I don't even know what i look like myself.
I stop crawling. I hear a high pitched sigh echoing in the distance. Normally I would have runaway like a tree right now...
TrEEs RuN AWAy RigHT?
ThEY USeD To iN My DreAMS
Slowly but slowly I use my hooves to get up on the ground. Why do I think its a floor? Because there was not one before. Over the time I have been in this place, this thing has been hunting me. Someone better than me would say It's evil, cunning and seems to see into the inky blackness where I can not. I say it's tired, Like me.
The "thing" used to give off high pitched moans a long time ago. Now it screeches softly sighing like a pony does after a hard days work. Sometimes it used to say things to me, but I never understood what it said. But right now it screeched, almost to the heavens like it used to.
What I need to do now,is run.
Getting up on my limbs I run as fast as I can, if I'm even running at all. Wherever I go in here the blackness always follows behind me, so I can never tell if I have moved at all since Iv'e got here. But I don't care right now, I just need to get away from that thing. The thing i'm talking about always looks so familiar like I've seen it so many times before. It has lavender fur covering its body, Just like a normal pony. The only difference being a thick black liquid seeps from it fur.
iT DrIPs LIke BLoOd
One time I looked it straight in it's eyes. There were no pupils, just deep black sockets. The tar-like substance was spilling from the too holes. It was watching me, never blinking, never lifting it's gaze from me. Was it crying? Maybe its lonely, I know I would be.
I think maybe it whats to be my frie-
Whats that word?
I know Celestia knew it was important.
It gives off another high pitched screech. The sound is very unpleasant like a hoof nail on a chalk bored. I glance behind be and there it is. Waiting, looking. I gallop into the darkness as fast as I can. Where am I going? Any place but here. I don't want to be anywhere near it. I'm getting even more tired now. Normally it would be gone. Why is it not?
IT WAnTS A FRiEnD
Suddenly, i spread out my wings and try to fly away. I flap them once, twice. The colorless feathers can't catch any wind in this place and the monster is gaining on me quick. Maybe flying isn't the solu-
I cry in pain as I trip on my open wing with a echoing crack and fall the ground.
The monster almost immediately gangs up on me, it's soulless black eyed pits staring right into my very being. Before I can react it reaches out its hooves to my own and pins me to the bottom of this black abyss.
I close my eyes, waiting for my life in this world to be over. Maybe I will go to Equestria again, maybe I won't. But hopefully any god out there that exists will give me mercy, a better life in heaven or hell. Maybe they'll let me see my friends again. But they won't, my friends left me along time ago.
I wait. And nothing happens.
After several moments of waiting for my doom in the darkness and with the creature breathing down on me, I open my eyes. The monster has changed now. It's eyes are no longer soulless pits of damnation but instead, have purple glowing pupils full of kindness and adoration. It's heavenly lavender fur gives off a comforting warmth and is no longer bleeding the black tar-Like poison. It's smiles. An airy smile with ragged pointed teeth, but still a smile none the less.
It turns it's head to my ear and whispers a promise into the darkness.
"...We WiLl NevER lEAVe yOU tWIlIGHT...."
"OWA EN TNA DREE SMEF OHEAE"
This was made out of boredom. But, anyway I'm back!
SO CELEBRATE!
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Cool story! But I don't understand, what is that last bit? "OWA EN TNA DREE SMEF OHEAE"
5303598
FOR WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME
Oh, that's nice and creepy, but thanks for replying!
Awesome
Really creepy..
Very creepy, but the numerous spelling and grammar errors kind of threw me off. It's justified slightly, since you wrote this out of boredom, but it still deducts from the reading in my opinion.
5303716
thanks i will go fix them
Are all of the errors intentional? Even if they are, it would still be a better story without them. (I don't mean the aNnoYiNG stRanGeLy caPitaliZed TexT, though you could get rid of that without impacting the story at all).
5303721
no they are not intentional I'm just horrible at grammer
First of all, I think the story would flow a little better if you used more commas. You don't really have many run on sentences, but it would feel more dramatic if you had some short pauses at times. My next thing contradicts with what I said before. if you where to use shorter sentences and less commas, it would give the story a sense of urgency, and it would help with the dramatic affect I mentioned before. I would read through it and look for spell/grammar errors as well. I spotted a few while reading. other then that its a pretty good story. I usually read longer fanfics, but this was still entertaining. Although I'm not sure if I'm being entertained by the story itself or helping you to improve it. Probably 50-50, It was an interesting premise.
It's an odd story, but still good.
Creepy story! Just to let you know, I saw your thread on SSPB and decided to provide my feedback. There's no point in copy-pasting myself here, so I'll just provide this link. Best of luck!
EDIT: You know what? If you ever need somehuman to help you proofread your stories, feel free to shoot me a PM. I'm on this site frequently, and I'd be glad to help!
Good and creepy story! Worth a fav if you ask me!
they're
capitalization
run away, two seperate words
I've
two
wants
Capitalization
Confusing, incoherent, ambiguous, dark... It´s like giving a peek at my mind
In any case, among inner monologue fanfics this one is pretty good. Not a master piece, not something revolutionary, not something which will make me reflect... just good.
5304290
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/172/417/1315624431566.jpg
Not very good.
"OWA EN TNA DREE SMEF OHEAE"
Is it supposed to be an anagram?
You talk about insanity and then bring out the Derpy "Nyan Nyan"?
... I APPROVE!
I like the story, but I'd advise that you check your grammar again.
'Much' is not a verb. It should be too much.
An ellipsis consists of 3 dots. not 4, not 2.
I think you mean Tirek? Or is Tirok an OC?
The story is ok, though
.
I wish you good luck.
Who?
6078669
Tirek it's Tirek. Sorry.
6078835
At least it wasn't spelled as 'Colonel Sanders'.
Overall, the actual story was good. However, you really needed an editor (or at least a proofreader) for this story. There's so many errors in it. I suggest going to either the Proofreader Group or the Looking For Editors group. Both will help you find one.