[2nd Person POV] Taking a chance to prove exactly how cool she is, Rainbow Dash signs up to coach a hoof-ball team for its spring season. But she didn't know Applejack had signed up too. This sparked a major rivalry between the two teams, the Ponyville Dashers, and the Apple Zappers. You signed up for the Ponyville Dashers, more or less to get your workaholic mother off your back, and make a few friends. But Hoof-Ball is a hard game for a unicorn. Your entire attitude, however, changes when you see an orange pegasus filly wearing the same jersey as you.
(Inspired by the work of two neat fellas by the name of Crowley and Possiblydominator... Perhaps you've heard of them? I present you, young love and innocence, as innocently as I can present it.)
I do not claim to own MLP: FiM, or the cover art, and they belong to their respective owners.
I hope you enjoy the story.
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Chapters (8)
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Hmm, 2nd person story, huh?
Not really my cup of tea, but it was well written nonetheless, so I give you a thumbs up sir
It seems like a really interesting read. I like the second view point, and the character that you put yourself in is a believable one. Cool story Bro!
Going to read tomorrow, so I'll track it then rate it after, but the description is what interested me...
I shall read it like a boss
fun. a scootaloo shipping. i have never seen any other than my own before. i'll track this, and read it later when i have time.
Very nice, I enjoyed the story.
I take it hoofball is like Soccer. It's a cute story,
My sister is Vinyl Scratch? Buck yea!
I Frigging love my sister!
the people before me have said it before, but ima say it anyways...BEST. SISTER. EVER.
btw, ironicly enough, i've been reading crowley and dominator (more so on dominator)
Please make more I enjoyed this fic a lot.
A new Chapter? Yay!
I'm just making an assumption here: Octavia is Vinyl's marefriend. However, I won't be upset or disappointed if you decided that you don't want them shipped together.
I approve of this.
This is going to keep getting better. I just know it.
Cute shit right here!
Vinyl is best sister. (We need a Vinyl emoticon.)
Vinyl is an awsome sister.
You sir are amazing
I love the way that you write the character and Vinyl's relationship. It is very loving and tomboyish, A great story continues!
It's gonna be so awesome
Pretty good so far
MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vinyl cleaned for Octavia? I seriously think Vinyl might have a crush on Octy.
Ooh I like this. I like it a lot.
My one suggestion is that your formatting here looks very 'cramped'. As in, by indenting every separate line the text becomes boxed together. While it is correct in a traditional sense, I would suggest that you space out your paragraphs more. However, it's all personal preference in the end. You do what you want. Have a thumb and fav
Another great chapter to another great story.
However, my only question is, how would anypony who isn't a unicorn brush their teeth?
462470 That's a dang good question. Write a story about it, let's see where it goes!
Vinyl Scratch is my sister? I have the best sister ever!
eh this isnt my cup of tea or coffee but i dont drink tea or coffee...this is my can of soda PROBLEM!?
Have you stopped writing this story? If so, I'm quite saddened
499388 Oh, by the Nine Divines, no! I'm just having trouble balancing school-work, home-life, and writing. I also have a severe case of writer's block... Don't worry though, I'll do my best to update by the end of this week, so please bare with me!
Have a slightly-related pony for your troubles.
images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/10/29/eec1f4bd-fdf2-4559-8da3-3a9fe23e4972.jpg
500397
Ok, I was just severely missing this fic. It's one of my favorites so far
Vinyl is that one annoying sister everyone wishes they didn't have. Did they atleast get an umbrella?
Yeah!
I thought for sure this fic was dead!
Having Vinyl as a sister certainly seems to have it's ups and downs, but from what I've seen, it's mostly ups.
I'm really enjoying this story, but I thought I'd call your attention to one tiny detail: "You nod meekly, and begin to trot over towards the bleachers, where Vinyl and Octavia were having fits. Of laughter, or perhaps spasms."
This should be "You nod meekly, and begin to trot over towards the bleachers, where Vinyl and Octavia were having fits of laughter- or perhaps spasms."
The first instance is a broken sentence; an incomplete though, and therefore will not work grammatically. It confuses the reader and pulls them out of the story while they try to make sense of it. While that may only take a second or two, it ruins the illusion and the events have less impact. Just thought I'd let you know.
515443 Edited. Thanks for the help, buddy. Glad to see you enjoy the story.
515471
You're welcome!
Except I think you missed part of the edit: The whole thing should be one sentence, not two. "Of laughter - or perhaps spasms."
was the incomplete thought I was referring to. I don't mean to nit-pick, and I hope I don't sound like a grammar nazi, becuase I'm not. I just want to help you flourish as a writer.
Try to remember this neat little trick; it's called "idiom." Idiom means the way you speak. Would you say "having fits {complete stop} Of laughter?" No. Becuase it doesn't make any sense, right? Saying the whole thing at once is the correct way, yes? It is idiomatically correct. If you are ever worried about wording or punctuation, just read it aloud like your having a conversation with someone you know. It's the easiest way to pick out idiomatic errors.
Also, as an afterthought; I wanted to know: Is this soccer or football we're playing? As an American, this is important for me to know because we have another game called "football" that is a very different game. "Soccer" is what we call the sport that is known in EVERY OTHER COUNTRY as football. (Aren't we weird?) Anyway, you could tip us off in the story in any number of ways, talk about a black and white ball or something. It's just that you have a very large American audience here and when I read "football" my mind immediately thought it was American Football and not Soccer.
I hope I didn't just come off as a jerk, really. It's supposed to be constructive critisism. Just friendly advise. I hate doing this because I ALWAYS feel like a damn jerk.
Things haven't been going your way, huh? I guess I can relate.
Sick the entirety of last week, miss all my classes. Now I have a midterm the coming Wednesday, and I don't know 75% of the material on it.
515527 Actually, I'm American too, believe it or not. Now, this may sound un-American, but I dislike football, as in American football. But, yes, I'll make a distinction in which it's more related in the next chapter. Again, edited. Thanks.
515533 Well, I know what'll cheer you up!
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRAP_NgDFWtZetz-ESx7TPqI9gKCo2lTMrrAzuoGvxl74u-SAYqFA
515550
It's multivariable calculus, no cheering up there... but I'll take your hugs! I'll need them. :|
515541
Ah, okay. I went to your profile to try and glean some hints as to your nationality so I wouldn't offend, but I couldn't find any. But regardless, it's almost impossible to figure out which football someone is talking about on the internet without some sort of distinction, because everyone has their own way of thinking. And you're very welcome!
I am so glad that you are still working on this fic!
It's another great chapter to the story and I am really glad that you are still working on, can't wait to see the rest!
515659 And I'm glad to see you're not dead, haven't heard from you here, or on fanfiction.net. Glad you liked it bro.
515684 Well, not dead yet. The Herd hasn't been updated yet... Feral and I are convinced that we are probably gonna die this chapter
515697 No worries, like I said, you guys can be my wingmen anytime.
"Yeah," she replies, stifling a giggle, "I know what you mean. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo say their sisters always do weird stuff, too."
Oh gawd! Scootaloo is speaking in the third person!
516160 Argh! How do I keep missing these! Thank you for pointing that out, it has been corrected. Have a pony.
fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/319/e/a/twilight_sparkle_loves_books_by_odstspore-d4gbong.png
515256 Correction: Vinyl is that annoying sister you wished you didn't have, but know you would be lost without her.
518612 True, very true.
518612 Words of wisdom my friend, here, have a pony
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRejHign-Nrpi9_lt5iEJmTO67H-Vem2gTaOdmeYccobieoG5f2
New chapter?
*sigh* and then you end with THAT. Now I have to sit and suffer waiting to see what happens... props to you.