How did Flash Sentry join the Royal Guards? How did he and Ben meet? The Mane Six are about to find out all of Flash Sentry's past.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 13th Oct, 2013
- offline last seen 12 minutes ago
JusSonic
Hey folks. JusSonic here, finally sending fics here. While I was worried about coming here for some time now, I decided to give this place a shot...as long as you be fair, 'kay?
JusSonic
Joined 13th Oct, 2013 ·
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The writing's a little rough around the edges, but it's not bad. The main problem you're going to have is that you broke rule #1 -"Never portray Flash Sentry in a positive light."
4331329
There is no rule about that. He's a good guy.
4332614
That's what fan-fictions are for. It's to give new personality and stories to the characters. You just have to give him a chance every once in a while.
4332655
Flash Sentry already has a personality and a leather jacket. The leather jacket is his whole personality
4333686
Okay, you may be right, so are some people that Ben Mare is a Gary Sue but I'm doing my best to make him into a good OC. I'm not giving up the fight just yet.
You and the critics win. I admit I got some problems that need to work out when it comes to my fan-fictions and stories but I'm still doing my best.
The writing is not half bad, but you have trouble with tenses. It can be very jarring reading a story in present tense, only for the next paragraph (or even the next sentence) suddenly become past tense, or vice versa. It may not seem like much, but it can be distracting to the reader and pull them out of the story. Pick a tense and stick with it.
You also repeat yourself, especially what the characters just said:
Perhaps a gesture or action would be preferable than... well, repeating what Celestia just said, you know?
As for the story, it's the beginning and there is not much to talk about except for Flash Sentry and Ben Mare. They're both, if I may be blunt, really bland. Flash Sentry is annoying and Ben Mare just seems like a male Fluttershy... but not much else. I really hope there is some development in store for them.
I'll keep a close eye on this one. Later, bro.
4332655
I'm not saying that's a bad thing; every character you put into your stories should be developed, having their own strengths and flaws, hopes and dreams. However, don't expect it to become popular even if it's good.
It's like if the Ku Klux Klan swore off racism and started feeding starving children and adopting orphaned puppies. Yes, they stopped being bad, but no one would ever give them a chance either way.
4336027
"Self-fufilment"? I don't even like Twilight that way.
I'm probably going to sound like a broken record here, but what the heck, I'll say it again. Always keep your tenses consistent, don't give readers a reason to back out of your story. In my opinion you should look through your next chapter (and the previous chapters) and stay in one tense the whole way through. Past or present, JusSonic, one or the other. You can't keep jumping back and forth expecting something good to come from it.
4336027 Perhaps wish fulfillment with a dash of author avatar?
4340261 Sturgeon's Law. There's a website called TvTropes.org that lists the conventions commonly found in media.
4334315
I am a black man living in the South. I support this message. I also like that Flash Sentry was compared with the KKK. Celestia bless you.
4335219
Ben? BEN DROWNED.
"You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"
4352559 HE DID NOT. Stop making fun of him.
4352699
Newbiecake, much? May be creepypasta from before you were born.
4353042 That's it. I'm blocking you for your total rudeness.
4353064
Hoho, sensitive much? A friendly ribbing after you stuck your nose in somewhere it didn't belong and you have the nerve to act offended? How terribly gauche. Well, nothing lost on my end. Don't know or care about you aside from the mild amusement you provided me with in regards to your over-the-top antics and immaturity.
4353064 That's really mature of you. Do your parents know you're on the internet?
4365882 I am an adult and I can use the net whenever I want to, thank you very much.
4353076 You're expecting a bit much from this "author" in my opinion.
4365888 Judging from your response to that post(s), I'd say you were a child using the internet while your parents were away. Go ahead and block me. I know you're gonna do it.
4365898 You are a total liar. My parents DO let me use the net. You have no right making fun of me as is. I do not tolerate people insulting JusSonic's work at all, and I especially do not tolerate people treating me like a little kid, which I am not anymore. In fact, that makes me wonder one thing. Are you a critic or a cyberbully?
Judging your posts that make fun of me, I think you're definitely a cyberbully, posing as a critic and doing a very bad job at it.
4365907 So you're not a little kid. Or so you say. Judging from the maturity and critical thinking you've shown in your posts, if we may mockingly call it such, well you're no adult. At least one with any standards in English composition or the basics of storytelling.
4365907 Make no mistake, I am not trolling you or "flaming". I merely call things as I see them, delicate feelings and soft constitutions ignored.
4365907 Yeah, I wouldn't know how to respond if I were you either.