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The sequel to Out in Ponyville. Now that Twilight and Applejack have found love, there are hardships and gifts on the way that will affect their futures forever. A great evil ritual returns to Equestria and the Elements of Harmony are put to a more difficult test than any of them can imagine. Can they still have a happy ending?
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There IS good in here, but it seems like sometimes you have to dig to fine it. Twilight is almost completely out of character in this first chapter for the entire chapter, and although she gets BETTER as the story goes on, I feel like you never quite nailed her character. AJ was just okay. There were parts that I felt were iffy about her, but for the most part, it was good. Nothing exceptional, but nothing worth bitching over.
Same with the rest of the mane six excepting Rainbow. You didn't get her very accurately at all.
The lack of the mane six much of the time threw me off, particularly when you hand the perspective to one for no real reason (that might have been the prequel, but the criticism applies to both stories, I feel). Speaking of that, the direction of the story can seem random at times, and a tad meandering. Overall, it's just a bunch of little things that seem off about the story that make it a little unpleasant to read, which is a shame, because it could be/have been an excellent story.
Except for chapter 8...
Wat doesn't begin to cover it. Not even close. It comes right the fuck out of nowhere, breaks the tone, goes in an entirely different direction that everything leading up to it, and then...it just kinda ends. That belongs in a different story.
388577 Sorry you didn't like it. This particular tale was written in a meandering style, as the images came to me.
388604
I enjoyed it to an extent, but the flaws made it considerably more difficult at times.
388604
hey don’t worry the rule is 'live and learn' and i liked the stories (this and the prequel)
About chapter 8 ...
well i was expecting something to happen. The Storms which prohibited Twi and AJ to go to Canterlot, the sudden appearance of the Elements, the reaction of the 4th apple sibling. What bucks me is that what happened had absolutely nothing to do with these, in fact there was no waring to it at all. If you bring a sudden and big chance in a Story it is best to hint slowly towards it. Make the princesses a little big worried without explaining why (the games are coming soon),. Or make the Princesses oblivious to the ritual and use the Sibling as a villain. Showing bits and things he does towards a strange ritual and how he puts the Mare 6 as a target.
Or hay invent a secret organization which made AJ and Twi pregnant and sent the mare 6 into the blood-games for some nefarious reason.
Showing us the happy live of Twi and AJ and at the same time showing us that something evil is approaching.
What you did was giving us a happy story with a dark and sudden intervention.
388702 Okay, that's fair criticism, but I have to say that the whole things was based on a simple image. Sort of a waking dream, so I may not have communicated it too clearly. All of this story was a bit of a whim.
388713
),
hey don’t worry it has its flaws but you got a like from me, because over all i liked it and hope you work on a sequel one day
maybe start in the direction of centering to Dusk and Dawn,
or stay with Applejack and Twilight and highlight the difficulties of rising them(and later go to the adventures of Dusk and Dawn
or you go into the direction to flash out the Fluttermac part(even through I'm not much of a fan of this, but that’s just me(many seem to like it)),
another way could be to follow Jazz apple and show his live and how he starts to regret what he said and done
I cannot find rhyme or reason to include chapter eight. It was well written and would have made a good story on its own, but in this story? It broke it for me. I love your first story, and i hope we get to see the adventures of dusk and dawn. But if you're going to change the tone again suddenly, please give a bit more build up than just the elements re-appearing and a big storm. Hey, since you base chapters on perspectives, write one for the villain, call it ??? And keep it purposefully dark. You could make a chapter with the villain choosing the mane six for the blood games, or talking to a fellow demon, or something! Anything to establish context and justify the jarring shift in tone and setting. And please show the mane six's reactions in more detail. You said it affected them greatly, but I did not see how. Did they have nightmares of the games, was fluttershy more confident, rainbowdash less? How did it affect their minds, their habits? How did they deal with it? I cannot imagine rarity would be fine with some demon forcing her to participate in death games, what with them being barbaric and dirty. Use that perspective chapter thing you used so well in your first story!
Loved your first story, can't say the same for this one.
390422An excellent critique, if not a little painful. In fact, I like many of your questions and will probably add them to my growing collection of little scenes I've been writing in this AU. Thanks!
391010
Honestly, I hope you remove chap eight and replace it with something more fitting, but it's your story and I see you put real work into that scene. Again, it's well written, but I feel it didn't fit. If you decide to rewrite certain parts of the story, I will definitely read it again all the way through. I, in no way, hate your work. I don't love this sequel, but the death games are an intriguing idea, and would certainly be a cool fanfic idea IF executed properly.
I really, really want to see dusk and dawn grow up. Besides the inevitable inner conflict over their immortality, I also think it'd be interesting to see a conflict between the twins and the death games demon (if you keep him around that is). Also, their color schemes (while a tad tacky) make not just AJ and TS their mothers, but also the rest of the mane six. And do they make any friends, or are they loners? What is their relationship with luna and celestial as they grow? How else do the elements of harmony play in the story?
I don't want to sound presumptuous, but if you want someone to give your future writings a once over and an honest critique, I'd be happy to give ya my email address. If you don't want my help, know that I want you to continue writing, because you have good ideas AND the motivation to put those ideas to paper. Not many can do that.
Enjoy your day.
-Skull025
i really like this story :) was confused at first on chapter 8 but it made sense later on as it gave the reader a view of what happened to twilight and applejack and the rest of the mane 6 and i personally found it very interesting looking forward to more if you decide to continue the story :)
So.
Chapter Eight felt like it came completely out of nowhere.
The first seven chapters allude to something. Its so vague: too vague.
Chapters after eight feel like they are struggling to make sense of that curve ball.
Chapter eight was a big curve, no lie. Not anything the sort I would have expected from the Equestriaverse, even as a deal with out-of-universers. It also didn't seem like it was something that belonged with the rest of the story- I mean, yes, you wrote it all together, but the gladiatorial thing and the faint tidbits of plot leading to and coming off of it seemed almost like some other story that got crumbled up and sandwiched in, like a layer of oatmeal cookie crumbs between two layers of mint ice cream in a parfait: not necessarily bad, but a bit jarring and not quite right.
That said, everything was quite nicely written, although I do agree that Twilight seems subtly but more and more strongly off the further into the two-story series I have read. It's not a huge and story-breaking thing, but it is a bit odd.
Anyways, don't get too discouraged- regardless of all that, it is still a delicious parfait you have concocted for the imagination.
.....I think I'm gonna go get some ice cream, now I'm hungry.
fluttershy is just too cute
well done.
but i must say i got a bit confused with the whole out of nowhere applejacks pregnant and so is twilight i had to read that part like 3 times to figure out what was going on.
and chapter 8....
that was... well.... something....
but very well written.
i found myself crying a few times during that chapter.
if this story wasn't completed when i read that chapter i would have stopped reading and untracked because my mind is very empathetic and creative, in some of the worst ways at times and i may or may not get nightmares about that part tonight...
but i digress
all and all good story and i look forward to reading more from you soon.(no pressure though)
wow this is definitely my longest comment. ever.
sorry for rambling... i've been told i do that some times.
I'm speechless! Absolutely AMAZING! Chapter 8, to my opnion it fitted this story well.
Also: manly tears have been shed.
It was all fine and dandy until chapter 8.
And that`s what broke the story for me. I can understand how the games were used for the drama. I can. But it still feels like an absolutely hamfisted wrenching of a plot into completely unnecessary direction.
There so many levels on which the whole thing feels wrong, cheap and just... tacked on for no good reason. So I`ll just point out the most glaring. Given that Celestia was able and willing to exile her own sister to the moon for a millenia, it`s flat-out implausible that she would never look for a way to "renegotiate" the forced arrangements made millenias ago. Given the nature of the games, it would not be out of character for her to plan, stage and execute attacks on ones responsible for it - attacks vicious, underhanded, deceptive and incessantly cruel, that which what we call justice.
Wat
My mind is still boggled from the last chapter
Wat
Cute. Still confused by world bending madness
Ok, but weird.
Half the time I felt like this:
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
It was worth it though
Wait.......wat
Well I'm completely lost.
A good story, and very well written. But like many others who have commented here, that Army of Darkness-like turn of events really does come out of nowhere. Without any foreshadowing (or was the foreshadowing too obliquely referenced?), it's a jarring shock to the reader, kind of a bucket of ice water dumped on the head. In a literary sense, that is. The storms kinda felt like they might have been tied someway to the pact, but no mention was made later on, so that and Applejack's brother turn into a sort of unused Chekhov's Gun.
Still, all that being said, it was a good story, and I have fave'd and saved. I would like to see more of this continued, but I have to say that Dawn is more of a female name. Perhaps consider switching those two around?
from all the critique i just wanna say other than chap 8 i loved both stories. for one simple fact that some other authors forget or dont add. its how chars interact with each other not personality wise but you got that down but just that they are ponies the nuzzling the different motions were just amazing to me i havent seen anyone else do it as in depth as you have which disappoints me. thank you for that dear sir cause that just cemented everything in for me as a great story. i hope i got my point across.
aside from the criticisms already mentioned. Rainbow Dash is the first to die in the gladiatorial arena?!?!
we all know that rainbow would probably last much longer than 
and 
also probably Applejack but that wouldn't really work in the story so it is forgiveavable
I loved the first story, and I really enjoyed this story as well. What made it for me was the family interactions along with the non-instant acceptance. I thought it was nice that everypony just accepted it.
Of course chapter 8. Nothing here that you haven't read before, so feel free to roll your eyes and move on. While it did feel like it came from left field, I thought it was awesome by itself. Twilight knew that there was something about herself that she couldn't put her hoof on, and to me it seemed like something fluttering in and out of your peripheral vision. You know it's there, but when you turn to see it, it fades away but doesn't disappear. It just returns to the corner of you vision. Constantly taunting you. At least, that's what I thought, especially after they recovered and were back in Equestria.
Speaking of which, I'm a little confused there. I understand that the evil deal had to be made, but if the Mane Six were sent to the area this time, their deaths, Rainbow being the first to return made me smile, didn't mean real death for them in Equestria? The only thing I can imagine is that their necklaces protected them, so when they died in the arena, they were sent back to Equestria leaving the necklace behind.
Not a gripe, and I commend you for great imagery. The way you described Fluttershy in the arena will probably give me nightmares. I did think it was nice that you hinted at there being something inside her that won't let her just give up. She was clearly broken, both physically and mentally, but still she hung on somehow.
Like I said, I loved this story, and I hope to read more of your work in the future.
My biggest thing with this is chapter 8, of course, but everyone else has already said what I have to say about that; no build-up, belongs in a separate story, not this one, etc. I would like to reiterate that Chapter 8 would be a very good story in itself, just not in the context of the rest of this.
Ignoring that and reading this and the previous story as a single narrative, my issue is with Jazz Apple. He is completely unnecessary as a character. There is loads and loads of cannon Apple family members to draw on to fill his role as the disapproving relative. You don't need to make up a new brother for Applejack just to provide conflict. If you put the Oranges at the table in his place, nothing would be lost from the scene and it would gain a lot more credibility.
There are a few other minor gripes I have--the how and why of AJ and Twilight's pregnancies could have been explained a bit more clearly a bit earlier, for example. It took me a few pages after Luna's announcement to figure out she meant both of them were pregnant, not just one. Also, as a few people have mentioned before, characterization for Twilight felt a bit off at times. And Spike seemed a bit out of character too. I'm not personally wild about the alicorn foals, but that's forgivable.
Placing blinders over its rough spots, this is otherwise a nice, sweet--if perhaps a bit hokey in places--story. I especially enjoy your depictions of life on the farm with the Apple family. The way the rhythm of the seasons tied so directly to AJ and Twilight's relationship was a nice touch. There is potential here, helped along by the fact that your writing is for the most part mechanically sound.
I can see by the date on this that this is a fairly old story, so now I am interested to see if you have improved any since.
Edit: Oh, you haven't written anything else yet. Well, get on that!
Seems like I'm 2 months late to the party! Oh well. I thoroughly enjoyed this story despite a few confusing portions here and there. That aside, I fell it was well written, much better then some of the stories I've been finding recently. In the future though, I would recommend making sure that it is understood by others in whats happening in the chapter. I didn't understand who was pregnant or the fact that they both were pregnant until the chapter after it was reviled. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_ooh.png I'm looking forward to more stories out of you!
Chapters 1-7>>>>>Awesome story, loved it! The pregnant thing caught me by surprise, but I liked it.
Chapter 8>>>>>Hunger games meets Predator, Well written but I had a 'deer in the headlights' look for a second.
Anywho, you did a great job on this, and good luck on any future titles!
So...I always thought "epilogue" was spelled like that and not epilog....What is that? Epilog...
1998157
Actually, it's valid in my language. Maybe the author and me share our Motherland? Or it's different one but with same spelling? Who knows?
But yes, in English it's epilogue.
Feels good to find it again. I remember reading that a long time ago, before I even had the account here. That chapter 8. I'll be honest, though, it's not this scary and confusing when I know it's there and after reading some violent stuff out here. No more bad vibes like I remember last time.
A shame that there is nothing more. Would be interesting to read about those two little ones growing up.
Great story up until chapter 8. The whole story itself isn't that bad, but I think it feels kinda rushed after chapter 8. Also I would like to see a sperate fic explaining chapter 8 in much more detail. Not bad, but all in all I liked the first one better. Oh, and chapter 5 had me scratching my head for a while, never saw it coming.
This is, perhaps, tonally inconsistent with the rest of the story o.O
780259 Eeyup, especially since Jazz Apple exists only to provide that flirt with Twilight and disapproving attitude (off camera!), and never appears prior to or after it.
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"You can do that?"
Luna's curious comment is so like Pinkie's all those months ago that I cannot stop bursting into slightly hysterical laughter.
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That sent me into chuckles for a minute or two. Well played!
Right in the feels
The whole story I was like this
except chapter eight I was like this 
Woah; You ramped up that shark and jumped over the fricken moon, damn son. Good read though, certainly one way to tie up a story.
Oh. Oh! Oh! So that's what happened!
I... Love this! This is the kind of TwiJack story I love!
And sadly no 3rd story v.v