"Are you going outside to look for another stallion, Carrot Top?"
"Of course we are Derpy!"
Derpy let out an exasperated sigh."Are you going to give up finding me a colt anytime soon?
"Nope!"
Date: Calm
Stallion: Soarin
Location: Cloud Cafe
"H-h-hello. . ." Derpy stuttered in front of her new date."Hello to you too! I haven't seen you since the Equestria Games tryouts. Your name was Ditzy right?"
"Y-yes, and no. It's my middle name actually. My first name is Derpy."
"Oh, sorry then."
"Oh don't worry about it!" Derpy laughed nervously and waved a hoof in the air. Suddenly, a thought struck her."Hey, since you're a celebrity and all, do you think any fanmares might blast through the wall looking for you?"
"Oh, no!"Soarin laughed."The fanmares these days are drooling over our new recruit, Thunderlane."
"Thunderlane?" The mohawked pegasus colt flashed through her mind."I haven't seen him since I worked at the Weather Factory! He must be having fun up there in the clouds with the rest of you Wonderbolts."
"Didn't you say you could fly through storms with ease?"
"Yes I can actually! I don't mean to brag much but if you threw a tornado at me I could dodge it and you'll be the one hurt in the end!" The pair shared a good laugh."This is going great Soarin. Why don't we order dinner and dessert?"
"That sounds wonderful Derpy! I think I'll have some pie! I remember the best one I had, the Grand Galloping Gala. I can still taste it on the tip of my tongue"
Derpy giggled."So I take it you enjoy sweets?"
"Yeah. Do you?"
"Muffins are my life! Come to think of it, I'll order some muffins right now!" Derpy waved the waiter over and they both ordered their dinner of spaghetti, muffins, and pie. Half an hour later, the food all came piping hot. She took one whiff of the delicious looking spaghetti laden in oats."This looks so yummy! Oh! Here are my muffins." The waiter set down Derpy's dough delicacies. She scooped one up in her hoof and bit into it, the savory fresh bread on her taste buds sending a warm feeling around her.
"Do you find if I have one Derpy?" Soarin asked.
"Of course you can Soarin! What mare would I be if I didn't share a harmless lemon muffin!"Soarin coughedout the muffin he bit into."D-d-d-did y-you s-s-say LEMON!?"
". . . .Yes?"
"I'm allergic to lemons!!!"
Soarin suddenly vomited on the floor."S-somepony get me to a hospital!" Ponies surrounding the table Derpy was sitting at were now staring at me."You heard the stallion! Get him to a bucking hospital!" Many ponies started to get out of their seats and helped up the sick daredevil and brought him out of the cafe. Oh nononononononononononono!!! What have I done!? What have I done!?
"Carrot Top! You know I love lemon surprise muffins! Why couldn't you at least tell me that he was allergic to lemons! Of course I would order them! And he's a Wonderbolt too! He could probably sue me for practically poisoning him! I don't have enough money as it is!"
"S-sorry Derpy! I didn't know! The least we can do is send him a get well card in Cloudsdale hospital." Carrot Top placed a hoof assuringly on Derpy's shoulder."Okay Carrot Top. But make sure to warn me about stuff like this next time! I could've killed the guy!"
"I know Derpy, I know. . ."
inb4 Carrot Top ends up being the one to date Derpy.
4238001 Sorry, but no matter how awesome that sounds, I'm going for a straight Derpy. Maybe later kind sir. Maybe. . .
You have a solid idea here. And with some work, this could be good.
But quite honestly, there's not enough here for me to like. You have rushed scenes, telly narration, multiple speakers per paragraph (ewwww), and plenty of other errors. But most of all, there's nothing there. We meet a character, get five hundred words to meet them, then watch them leave. It's not that funny (to me, at least), we don't even get to see most of the date--you know, the most important part of this story, and it all happens at breakneck pace.
Overall, leaving without a vote. It looks like you tried your best, but you need an editor and some practice.
I take my Derpy very seriously. You're not allowed to get by without constructive criticism.
4238355 Better find Pinkie.
4238365
What do you need Pinkie for, exactly?
4238374 It's a user that proofreaded for me once. He's good at what he does.
4238382
Ahh. I see. Well, good luck; I'm out.
4238384 Bye.
4239167 kk.
I suggest doctor whooves! I know many have done stories with those two but they're just too awesome!
4241081 Here's a little secret. . . . .He's going to be the one Derpy marries.
I see that OC's are welcome...interesting...
4241236 What're you thinking?
4241342 That if someone suggested an OC depending on their personality this could lead to some...intense moments. (Not in a dirty way)
That.
Was AWESOME!
Please continue.
(next date Spike ftw)
I suggest Braeburn or maybe noteworthy.
4245829 Looks good so far. No mistakes as far as I could see.
Pokey Pierced! Plz...
Gahh, that lemon surprise . was poison!
Aahh now just think when they send him the get well pie.
Apple... With a hint of lemon.
I would like a nice OC for dating Derpy well at least no poser just a nice guy in the end.