- Member Since 20th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 3rd, 2019
Schroedingers_Katze
Im just a cat. In a box. In the head of a long dead professor. Miau~ Also, Ponies.
Schroedingers_Katze
Joined 20th Nov, 2013 ·
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enjoyable
4439025
Thank you kindly. Fell free to throw critique or suggestions in my general direction if you feel like it.
Please don't have the humans immediately annihilate the ponies...
I hate Warhammer Crossovers where that happens; please have the humans at least try to be reasonable. Highly suspicious of course - the Inquisitor might want to check for taint and all that - but at least have her be neutral/reasonable to the ponies instead of "XENOS! BURN! KILL!"
4439861
I strongly, strongly, stongly dislike those kind of fics too.
As for Rayla, well, she is a Thorian after all (no Ultra-Thorian like her late master but a Thorian at least). She´s having a mutant as a bodyguard for a reason (plus being a mutant herself).
What Kaeris and her goons will do on the other hand, well...
in warhammer the they call that manufactorum
4441023
Ah, so they are called that in english too? Good to know, I was not sure since I work with german material mostly. Thank you.^^
Just finished the first chapter. A pretty good start, though the spelling and grammar made the fighting a slog to get through. I had to skip a few parts, namely where some sentences were unreadable. Still, a good start. I'll be back with another comment on the second chapter.
4550211
Thank you for your thoughts. I admit, I hope to improve this along the way. Looking foreward for it.^^
Spelling and grammar have definitely improved this time around. You've gone from a few illegible sentences to just small but noticeable things. You might want to break up your paragraphs a little more. Something that could help you is that each piece of dialogue gets it's own paragraph. EX:
Two friends walked together to the store, when one spoke up.
"Hey, I just got a new kitten." He said.
"Oh, that's cool." Replied his friend.
Other than that, a pretty good chapter. The Imperium seems a little too trusting of the Xeno, and too much violence towards the ponies for my taste, but still pretty good. :)
Defiantly a fic to watch. Am now eagerly awaiting updates.
4551972
Nyuuu~ =^///^=
Thank you very much, I´m glad you enjoyed it so far. The next chapter will be finished quicker I hope, so stay tuned and keep your favourite weapon handy.
4550425
Thank you kindly.
Hmm trusting or maybe more like cunning? We´re speaking Inquisition here. Thorian Inquisition but Inqusition.
I hope you stay tuned to find out.
I shall keep this in track, tis interesting... Do not disappoint us Imperial citizen.
4695559
Thank you. I´ll try my best.
Presumably you mean Imperial Tithe?
Sword-class are frigates, darling
I have no idea why the quotation marks are like that.
Clad, presumably.
Interesting. What's an Inquisitor of the Ordo Hereticus doing fighting the Dark Eldar, though? Wouldn't that be the job of Ordo Xenos?
Grimdark. I like it.
Sounds a bit awkward. "Crux was acutely aware of the battle around him." might be less so.
Imperium's.
Tense contradiction. "Just then, the battleship's bridge was bursting with action." is more grammatically correct.
And "battleship's", not "battleships".
"heavily accented" or "heavy, accented".
"Fin-like" and "scythe-like".
"Lose".
"and several mercenary factions, like".
"governor's".
"Commoragh, like many of her half-born" and "weak, for weakness befitted only prey".
"How many enemies did this convoy consist of?".
"Mandrake's".
"feet, in an act of superhuman agility, just" and "hissed, exasperated".
"This one learned". Though that's a bit wordy to be shouting mid-battle.
"Tirek's".
"without you, Spike" and "asked, amused".
This story has potential, but could really use an editor. All the typos are distracting, and you should indicate when you're switching pov.
4725106
Thank you very much for all those pointers, they had been really helpfull.
I blame my spelling programm.
I intend to answer most of these questions in later chapters. Please be patient with me for a bit more.
I´m glad you do. After all, this is a W40k crossover isn´t it? There will be light moments in the future (I simply can´t stay dark ALL the time) but mainly, we are talking Darkness, Blood and Lasfire here, don´t we?
This is great, and I'm looking forward to more. I hope for a lack of random uninstigated violence on the part of both factions. An Inquisitor's retinue would have the discipline to not belittle or begin randomly purging zenos if their lady was obviously using them, and the equestrian policy of being nice to everyone at first should prevent spontaneous retribution for 'being different.' I expect the obvious panic, but too many stories end up devolving into adverse encounters once the ponies meet whatever party the story is focused on. It would be nice if the veil of secrecy and lies would last at least a little longer for this one. Also, it would be one hell of a short story if it did get violent. Half a company of Inquisitorial Stormtroopers would slaughter everyone without much of a challenge. Not the greatest way to end a story.
Poor Fluttershy, of all the ponies in Equestria that could possibly be the first to encounter the Grim Darkness of the Far Future first, it always seems to be the one who is the least mentally prepared for it... Still, perhaps after the third or forth unspeakable monster encounter she will start to consider moving her home a little further away from the woods, or perhaps investing in a fence of some-kind...
Do please keep up the great story! I am really enjoying it thus-far and look forward to further updates eagerly!
Zecora being awesome? Fellow writers, take note.
It's odd how most fanfics dealing with characters fighting, meeting, and all sorts of things in the Everfree, mostly ignore the zebra. I mean seriously, why? I'm glad you didn't and honestly, it was nice seeing her take on that creature. Heck, she could have killed it if she wanted to.
And while Imperials in Equestria is extremely overdone, good guy Imperials is rare. Not just in FIM crossovers, but all crossovers in general. The Inquisitor reminds me of Inquisitor Amberly from the Ciaphas Cain novels.
Sometimes you mistake then and than, but overall the story feels like gameplay of Warhammer games. Big, epic and frightening at moments (for those in story).
Very nice. And size of each chapter just makes it look like the fps warhammer game moment on the bridge. Enormous, but for a purpose beyond one's understanding.
You might want to ask for proofreaders in groups that offer such. Would let you focus more on new chapters. Since last one was 24 weeks ago.
5358319
First of all, why, thank you kindly.^^
The feeling is most likley because both, the Inquisiton and the Dark Eldar are basicaly by my own Table Top Armies. Playing a good game (and usually get trashed badly^^) is my best inspiration to write.
What do you mean by "fps warhammer game moment on the bridge"?
4834770
Well, let´s wait and bleed... ehrm, see shall we? There are at least two trigger-happy troublemakers in Raylas retinue you should keep your eyes open for. Also, there is still the 20 megatons battle-ship in space, right over our favourite Equines heads. But yeah, a big bloodbath is no way to end a story (at least for me),
Also sorry for the mega-late reply. m(_ _)m
4866865
Yes, poor little Flutters. I´m such a monster, aren´t I?
Yes, fences. Or minefields and Sentry guns.^^
Sorry for my über-late reply.^^°
4929412
Yepp, that Zecora nearly nevers makes an entry in those opening scenarios allways bugged me a bit.
For her being awesome, well, she lives in the "kill-me-dead forest" so she either have to posses great martial skills or the habit to alchemy-mace every nasty critter into submission. Since in my head-cannon Zebras are Africans and many African tribes have very impressive combat styles, I used that for my Zecora.^^
I admit, I never read the Cain novels before, but did some research after you mentioned this Inquisitor Amberly. I had more than one moment of "Oh, this is an awkward/interessting coincidence." moments there.^^
And to you too, I am deeply sorry for my extremly late reply to your nice comment.
5358517
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdOdDRzA66c
Till 5:56
Warhammer 40k Space Marine (it is an FPS game) and it has a moment on the bridge (train ride). The bridge is impressive.
And I meant PC games, not tabletop (never played tabletop games).
5359512
Ahh, that one was a intense level. ^^
I have that game too. Love it. Nothing beats squising Orks with a Thunder Hammer or mowing them down with a Heavy Bolter.
5359544 well squishing orks is fun, but prefer killing TR with a NC6 :) happy times
or slicing Grinners with dual zoren :D
dont worry the chapter its good, i like it so far.
(on a pike)
here have a pinkie head
5359544 Don't screw this up remember that WH40k is overkill for MLP. If Celestia arrives and kicks their arses, it would be unrealistic.
Luna can't read their minds, without experiencing PTSD.
Ponies will die, a true crossover with Warhammer is always grim.
Warp magic is superior to pony magic.
Elements of Harmony take too long to work, if it does work at all.
Chaos insanity/corruption affects all mortal beings
5573174
I will give my best.
I´ve got something appropriate prepared for the Royal Sisters.
There will be Blood, Tears, Guts and dead Ponies without a doubt. And dead Humans, Dark Eldar and every other sentient Being on Equuis.
Please have a seat, take a Umbrella because those in the first rows are bound to get wet and enjoy the coming chapters.
Is this dead?
6145275
*pops out of a dusty corner of the crypt, wearing a Adeptus Mechanicus robe*
Why, wha... argh... *hacking and coughing* stupid dust, getting everywhere... Now, as I was about to say: I prefer to call it a creative stasis. Yes, thats a good word.
And since I aced my occupational re-training few days ago, I am now free to work on it again with the zeal it deserves.
*klaxons start blarring*
Oh damn, I better get back to work, the machine spirits are cranky today.
*scurries off*
*pokes story, hoping it will revive some day*
More?
8626158
Never enough heresy!*throws out even more vile xeno smut from a "aquired" valkyrie*